Husband doesn't want to try again after miscarriage :(

[diamonddust444]

Hi,

Last year, I had an early miscarriage at around 6 weeks. I was absolutely devastated, and haven't been able to get over it since. I already have two children from a previous marriage, but have always wanted to have another. My current husband is happy with the two we have, and doesn't want to try for another. When I fell pregnant by accident, I was over the moon. It felt like I had won the lottery, but then that was cruelly taken away from me, and I don't know how to get over it. The thing that makes it even worse is that my husband won't let me try again. I get so frustrated, and just don't understand why I was given something, only to have it taken away and never be allowed to try again. I get sad every time I see babies or pregnant women. It has caused so many arguments between me and my husband, and I feel guilty for that, but he just doesn't understand how I feel. He can't give me a straight answer as to why he doesn't want another child, and says that he wishes he would want one so that I would be happy. The worst thing is that he told me we could try (I take medication which you can't conceive on, so we were going to wait until I'd been off my meds for long enough), then he changed his mind, but didn't tell me, I figured it out and approached him about it! He said he was scared of upsetting me because he knows how important it is to me. We talk about it so often, and I just can't get it out of my mind. Things remind me of it all the time, then that makes me talk about it again, which always turns into an argument. In every way he is a wonderful, wonderful man. He is a fantastic husband and an amazing step-father to my children. My two children are amazing, and I can't imagine my life without them. Yet, in some ways, I feel so empty. I know I should be grateful for what I have already, and I wish I could move on, but I'm finding it so hard and feel like no-one understands me. I'm starting to feel really angry and resentful towards my husband, and am scared that this is starting to drive a wedge between us. I feel like I am completely at his mercy, and have no choice in what happens. Any advice or help would be gratefully appreciated. I feel like I'm going insane! Thanks x

[MythologicalPersonage]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It must have been a very difficult time for you.

If your DH had changed his mind he should have been upfront and honest with you rather than stringing you along until you confronted him about it. Is he against trying for a baby in general or is it more a timing issue in that he feels you both need more time?

[Dentmum78]

Hi diamonddust444, I know just how you feel. I had a missed miscarriage, went to the 12 week scan and was told the any had died. I already have two children but have been desperate for a third. I fell pregnant by accident but my husband seemed to be happy about it. However since the miscarriage he won't even talk about another. He thinks it was a sign and is happy with two. I know I am so lucky to have two happy healthy ones but it's still hard. I'm getting over it by looking at all the things we couldn't do with a baby but I still get quite low periods. Hope it helps to know at least someone in a similar position.

[eastegg]

Oh Diamond I'm so sorry, I've read so many posts about MC on mn since I lost my baby at 16 weeks in August and there's so much support on mn generally but I've felt this extra layer of grief that doesn't seem to be that common and which comes from knowing you won't be trying again. We won't, I'm 99% sure. DH didn't want this baby in the first place but was really supportive and came round to it, now after the nightmare we've had I know there's no chance although I can barely bring myself to talk to him about it. We have 2 DCs already. If anything I want another more than I did before, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.

I know I'm so lucky to have 2 but at the same time that unspoken assumption that 2 is enough makes the MC harder to talk about and move on from. How can you move on when, let's face it, most people's idea of moving on is trying again. We have to find other sources of strength and hope and that is hard.

[diamonddust444]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, and I'm so sorry for each of your losses. It does help to know that I'm not the only one going through this. As you said, Eastegg, part of the 'getting over it' is trying again, and when you know that isn't a possibility it sometimes feels hopeless. I'm pretty sure (99% also) that my DH does not want to try for another one. We've talked about it so much and always seem to end up in the same place, so barring some miracle, I don't think he'll be changing his mind. I feel so jealous when I see other people pregnant. I'm obviously happy for them, but wish so much it could be me. My sister wants to start trying for her first soon, and I worry about finding that difficult. I want to be there for her as much as she was with me for my two, and will make sure I am, but I worry about how it'll make me feel when I'm not putting on an act, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean Eastegg about 'wanting it even more'. It feels so cruel that we've all been given such gifts then had them taken away. It frustrates me so much. Dealing with not having another child when you desperately want one is hard enough, but then finding out that you're pregnant and losing the baby, only to be told that you can never try again is painful beyond belief. All I keep thinking is that this was my last chance at being pregnant, and it's gone. So sorry to ramble on, and thanks again to all of you for the support. It really does help to know I'm not the only one xx

[PampersNotPampered]

Hi OP, some of the posts here sound as if it's myself talking. I'm so so sorry you've had a gift given and taken again. It really frustrates me when people have the idea of "well it obviously wasn't meant to be", that's like handing someone a winning lottery ticket and then saying its out of date but I thought you'd like it!

I too will have to find inner piece with not trying again. This is my second MC that I'm going through, and both these pregnancies weren't really planned, just not well prevented. My DP has come round to the idea of the baby so much, and has said some lovely things, yet I selfishly can't bear to tell him I'm losing it all because I'll lose that wonderful feeling of talking about 'our little family'. It's early days though so it's not like I've left it weeks.

I envy that you have 2 other DC already, and I wish I had children to ease the blow when I look at them. We're a childless couple and DP didn't want children until another 8 years.

eastegg hit the nail on the head when she said about facing the fact that most people's idea and blanket of hope and light is trying again. We will, however, have to find some other way of moving on. It's so much more difficult, I think, for people who've Miscarried a baby but won't be trying again. My own Mother has said this and she herself (has had 6 miscarriages), says she doesn't know how she'd cope with all her pregnancy losses if she wasn't able to try again. She said her first MC was a lot easier when her original due date came around, because she was already expecting my sister!

I feel for you so much OP, and I hate to say this, but I know how hard things are. I know people think 'well your DP will try in 8 years' but that's no conciliation, it's a world away and it doesn't help with coping knowing I'd have a child in Juniors by the time I get to 'try'

Take care, be kind to yourself xxxxxxxx

[diamonddust444]

Pampers, I totally agree with you, and am so sorry that you're having to go through this too. I really am grateful for the two children I already have, and can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you.

I am so sorry that you don't feel like you can tell your husband yet. I hadn't even told my husband that I was pregnant (I'd hinted at it) and then found out I was miscarrying, so I know how you feel. It feels very, very lonely, and you don't want to let go. I remember just wanting to turn back time and feeling so helpless and desperate.

I agree, it is so difficult not to be able to try again. Not that it would ever replace the babies that we have lost, but it just makes life feel more hopeful. Like you say, you don't want to have to wait for the 'off chance' that your DH might decide to try in 8 years' time. It doesn't help things now, and doesn't make things easy in your relationship and it certainly isn't any conciliation.

I really hope that you manage to find some peace within yourself, but I totally understand how hard it is not to feel resentful and angry and empty. I have decided to try and make time for me and my DH so that it doesn't drive too much of a wedge between us, but it's hard not to think about it, even when I am 'distracted' with other things.

Take care of yourself, and if you need to chat you know where I am xxxx

[PampersNotPampered]

Thank you Diamond. You sounds really lovely. I know this is completely off topic and I'm not even in the slightest mood for doing anything for a long while, but the future thought of sex with my DP makes me feel sick because 1. It's like wasted 'trying' time and 2. This body feels like my lost babies temple if that makes any sense

I think learning how to cope without TTC will be one of my hardest journeys in life. A friend suggested to imagine what I'd love doing that I couldn't do with a baby. Trouble is, there's nothing I want to do without one

[diamonddust444]

Aw, thank you, you too! I know what you mean. My miscarriage was in November last year, and it took a while for me to 'feel' normal in my head about sex. It just reminded me of what I'd lost. It was the same (and still is to some extent) when I got my period. I've been told the same thing, to imagine what I can do without a baby, but I already have children and my life revolves around them, so it just hurts even more because I imagine another little one being there for them to play with. I spend lots of my time making things for friend's babies, or talking about other people's pregnancies, or looking after other children. Part of me wonders whether this makes it worse, as it keeps my mind on it. Maybe I should just stay away from baby stuff altogether, but I don't feel ready to let go xxxx

[PampersNotPampered]

I'm the same... I spend almost all my time with babies/young children because of family (and out of choice that I just love being there). I enjoy their company so much, but perhaps I should consider distancing myself, to get a 'err children? No' frame of mind. I'm 99% sure that won't work though :( xxxx

[diamonddust444]

I know, it's really difficult. I spend lots of time around children, which makes me happy but makes me feel kind of distant, and feel a deep sadness within me. Then I go through small periods of trying to distract myself, and then I think about babies constantly because I'm trying to avoid the subject! The smallest thing can set me off too. I can be out shopping and see a tiny baby and it puts me into an awful, deep, quiet, lonely mood, where I can barely bring myself to speak to my DH. I feel terrible for it, and really guilty, it's just that I can't get myself out of it xx

[PampersNotPampered]

Oh no :( I too struggle to get myself out of that emotional hole sometimes. I honestly don't see where I can go from here.. I don't feel suicidal or anything, but I feel as if in my heart I will never be truly happy until I have my own little family by my side. Until then, everything else is just make do. That sounds so silly, because children grow up and in years to come your relationship with you partner will be all you have, but you will always have your children's endless love and you'll always love them endlessly. It's hard for me to explain but it seems like a much different love to what you have for your partner. Am I right? :(

Xxxx

[diamonddust444]

Hi Pampers, sorry for the delay. Yes, I think you're right. The way you feel about your children is so different to how you feel about your partner. You love them in a totally different way. I love my DH to bits, despite all this, I'd never want anyone else (i just want to feel fulfilled in the relationship we have), and I think he's wonderful, but the way I feel about my children is something else. Hope you're feeling ok today, I'm shattered as had no sleep because of the baby next door! Talk about life taking the...! Xxxxxx

[FrazzleRock]

I wanted to revive this thread as could have written what the OP wrote. Almost word for word. The only difference is we are not married.

The pain is excruciating and if I have a bad day of triggers and want to cry, DP makes me feel bad by telling me I am emotionally blackmailing him. I'm not, I'd never want to force it on him, but I am so desperate to make peace with the idea of never trying again. I genuinely don't think I ever can.

When I try and get support from babyloss groups online, they are all trying again or certainly have plans to. If I speak to any of my friends who have lost a baby, they have healed through having another child.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I just want to hold my baby so much my arms throb.
This pain is exacerbated by my children's father expecting a baby soon and my partner's step sister is too. I am expected to pick myself up and carry on as if nothing has happened.

[monkeytree]

Oh Frazzle, I really feel for you. I get a bit envious sometimes with women becoming pregnant again. I have 2 dc, late miscarried my third and never managed to get pregnant again though I am now in my early 40's so unsurprising. I will never fully come to terms with it ever and now waiting to go through menopause once and for all to close the chapter. I know what it feels like to really want another baby though X I fear you may grow to feel resentful of your dp in the long run through your dp not having tried. I am so sorry, I understand your pain but have no solid advice to give X

[FrazzleRock]

Thank you so much for your response monkey I didn't think anyone would read my comment, let alone respond. It is such an unusual place to be so people just don't get it. DP says I live in an "echo chamber" and that I should google 'women who don't try again after miscarriage'. He said there are plenty of women out there who don't want to try again. I'm sure there are but I can't force myself to think like them, much as I wish I did.
I'm so sorry you have also found yourself in a similar place. It sounds like you are making peace with it, which is where I'd love to be but not sure how to get there.
It doesn't help having DP sending me mixed signals about trying again.
When we lost our first a year ago, he openly told friends and family that "we hope to fill the extra bedroom soon". This gave me such hope. He tells people that we are taking steps to try and make trying again possible, yet he berated me when I'm sad and tells me it might never be possible. It's like being kicked when I'm down.
I'm scared to open up to him, fearful of him 'telling me off'. He reminds me that he never wanted his own children and almost blames me for falling pregnant to begin with.
This just kills me and pushes me further into depression.
But he doesn't stop. He says he has a right to be angry, just as much as I have a right to be sad.
We are going to Relate and I am getting CBT and I'm on anti depressants.
It's just so hard when I know for a fact that trying again would get me out of this hole and make the pain so much less.

I'm trying to focus on other things. But triggers are literally everywhere. There is no avoiding pregnancy and babies. The hurt it constant and attacking.

[monkeytree]

Hi Frazzle

Perhaps your dp is afraid of disappointing you or the loss hit him hard too I think some form of Counselling, you mention relate will help - things may become clearer there. I think I am having to make peace with it Frazzle at my age mc rates are high and I'm not sure I can go through it gain, my eldest dc got dragged through it to. If I were 5 years younger (I am now nearly 43) I think I would be definitely banking on getting pregnant but I don't think I have the energy now and concentrating on dc's is my focus. I am positive I have post traumatic stress as a result of mc (I have a couple of major triggers) but these days feel better around babies and pregnant women in general though I do get a twinge for sure. There are definitely less ladies in the didn't go on to have another baby camp after mc but there are a few about. I wish you all the best Frazzle it is a truly difficult situation. X

[Haharr87]

I'm going through the same thing and feel so alone. I always wanted 3 kids but my husband wanted 2. At the end of September I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant. I was on birth control so it was a big surprise but I was excited. My husband was shocked but seemed happy also after the initial shock was gone. We already had names picked out. Sadly on October 16th I had a miscarriage and the pain won't go away. My husband won't agree to another baby and it's highly unlikely to have another surprise pregnancy. Most women that have a miscarriage get to have their rainbow baby, I'm just left with the ghost of the baby that won't be and it's devastating. I know I should be thankful for the 2 beautiful children I have but I will always regret not trying again. I'm sorry I don't have advice on how to move on but know that you're not alone.

[Floss89]

I'm one of those who didn't try again, the decision to go for a third was my idea and I got pregnant straight away. We were both delighted well more so me. I lost the baby at 18 weeks. We did try again for a short while but in the end we both decided it was too much of a risk and to concentrate on the 2 I have, I am 40 this year. If I was couple of years younger I might consider trying again. It's taking me a long time to come to terms with the fact we will never be a family of 5 but it is getting easier. When I start getting down I try to remind myself that the 2 I have would be getting less time and attention from me. Pregnancy announcements still do sting but not as much as before. My sil is due soon she has been keeping very distant from me, which hurts also as we had been close. Just wanted to let you know that time does help.

[Kelliw12]

Hello there, terribly sorry to bring up such an old post. I don't know how you guys didn't get a take home baby after a loss, that has to be the hardest. I lost our baby on Saturday, 5 days ago, the day before Father's Day. At first my husband was not happy as well, and now I lost the baby, I had such hope for. I am sure we are not going to try again also. I am having a hard time with things like seeing other people with my due date, it kind of stings or jolts me for a second

[Tigerlily1210]

Hi All,

Thank goodness I came across this post. Like several of you I have 2 fabulous children already and am truly blessed. I fell pregnant totally by accident and DH has had a vasectomy but hasn't been to check that he's no longer fertile. We have managed to be intimate a few times since our mc at start of September. However he is adamant we will be having no more babies and insisted on using a condom the last time we were intimate after my bleeding has stopped. This act broke something inside me I just wanted it to be over with and did not enjoy being with him at all as a result. I cried for an hour afterwards. It's bad enough he's had the vasectomy without double prevention methods.

People keep telling me to be grateful for what I've got which I am but that alone does not lessen the pain of this loss at all. I was always more on board with this baby than he was and I never wanted him to have a vasectomy in the first place. This baby took away my grief that he had a vasectomy and now she's gone. I feel like I have nothing and no hope. Like many have said above there is no one I can talk to about not trying again. My own mother doesn't get it either even though she had 4 kids but she did have more after her mc.

I'm so scared about healing from this and terrified for my marriage as it's a massive wedge. My husband is a very logical person (most of the time) and sees another baby as a huge financial burden and sees no benefit for our other children in having another sibling. The crazy thing is I was totally happy with my lot until I lost our daughter (granted not happy with the vasectomy or the option being taken away). I'd made space for a new baby in my heart and head and now I feel so empty. There's a hole where she should be.

The worst of it is my sister is expecting her first 3 weeks after I was due and my best friend is due 2 days before I was. I'm so scared I'll not cope when their babies arrive and I am happy for them but also jealous that my girl is gone and I'll have to watch their babies grow and go through milestones when my girl should have been doing stuff at the same time as their children will be.

I know financially I will be better able to provide for my 2 than if I had 3 but it doesn't make me want another baby any less. I just need some hope and not to feel completely empty.

Any suggestions on how to heal welcome!! I'm desperate and alone

[LaurenWixom]

Hi all, I found this thread while searching online for anyone in the same situation as me. I found out I was pregnant in October but only last week something didn’t feel right so I attended accident and emergency and they discovered that my 10 week pregnancy had stopped developing at 6 weeks.
My pregnancy wasn’t planned and originally a termination was on the cards but I quickly changed my mind even though my parter was fully for it. Once finding out I had lost the baby on Wednesday I went in for a DC on Friday just gone (2days ago)
My partner is no way wanting to try again for another 6/7 years as this one wasn’t planned. I know this is going to be a massive problem with us and will probably cause a massive strain on our relationship. I’ve tried explaining that it’s like sitting at a dinner table, not hungry, having food places infront of you, having a mouthful and deciding you are actually really hungry then having the plate whipped away from you at the speed of light.
I am worried that I have inherited endremetrosis from my mum which is going to limit my time I could fall pregnant in anyways meaning I wouldn’t have the 6/7 years he wants.
I want to confront him tonight regarding the situation but I feel that it’s just going to alienate him and make him not want to intimate with me anymore.

Much love

[mellongoose]

@LaurenWixom how did you get on with your OH?

We have one DD(4). I suffered a late mc on 6th Jan. I was 20 weeks and she had a severe condition. There was really no alternative.

I'm 42 and DH is 49. He has said no more and it is compounding this grief process. Hopelessness is the only word to describe. My heart feels like it is bleeding and only another baby would stop it.

DD is wonderful and I wish I could be content with her. I feel so guilty for just wanting more. I cannot control these feelings. How do you cope?

[LaurenWixom]

Still not so well, ever since the miscarriage I have been having problems with my hormone levels not going down thus giving a false positive on tests. All the hospital trips have then put a lot of strain on us and it’s made him not want to come near me even more. He’s willing to talk about the situation now and is also more understanding that it’s something I want but not to the point that it’s going to change any time soon. I hope things are going better with you

[mellongoose]

Oh @LaurenWixom I'm so sorry. It sucks, doesn't it. I hope the hospital visits are helping.

I'm nourishing myself and until I feel strong enough to talk to him again. I'll leave it a few months. Otherwise I will push him away!!