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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

How to send congratulations for second child after late miscarriage of first child

29 replies

Dowahdiddydiddydumdiddydo · 30/10/2014 18:24

Throwing myself on the wisdom of MN, and this seemed the best place to ask advice.

A friend of mine had a miscarriage at about 33 weeks two years ago, a little boy. Absolutely devastating for her and her partner. She talks about him often, and he is very much an acknowledged part of life.

She gave birth today to a daughter, and I want to send her a card to say congratulations, and I would like to mention her son in the card. Do you think that would be okay? I don't want to not mention him because then I feel I'm glossing over his existence and treating her daughter like she is her first child.

Thoughts please?

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BikeRunSki · 30/10/2014 18:26

"Congratulations on your new baby, a little sister for your beloved X. "

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Dowahdiddydiddydumdiddydo · 30/10/2014 18:34

Thank you. I've been making the biggest mess of constructing words together, and you've given something very simple!

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NewEraNewMindset · 30/10/2014 18:37

Oh gosh I don't know. You know them better than we do but I'm not sure whether a congratulations card needs a reference to the son they lost. Can't you find a beautiful card with beautiful sentiments and then just keep it very simple. Sometimes you don't actually have to say the words to make the sentiment known.

For example many women call the baby that arrived after a loss their rainbow baby. I wonder if you could find a card that incorporated that imagery or some text, a poem etc.

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BikeRunSki · 30/10/2014 18:37

Sadly, I have been in your position.

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CheeseandGherkins · 30/10/2014 18:38

Just FYI, it wasn't a miscarriage at that gestation, and I hope you've never called the death of her baby that. It's a stillbirth. Rainbow baby is indeed what we call the next baby after a lost one. I'm lucky enough to have 2 myself.

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Dowahdiddydiddydumdiddydo · 30/10/2014 18:41

Oh I'm so sorry. I didn't know that. I haven't referred to the death of her baby as a miscarriage anywhere apart from here, but I will remember that, and thank you for correcting me.

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DixieNormas · 30/10/2014 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 30/10/2014 18:42

I think acknowledging the first baby is the right thing to do - it's not like he won't be in their thoughts today and this is not the simply joyous occasion that the birth of a child should be. It will be bittersweet and I think they will be pleased to know others understand this. Very glad for them that their daughter has arrived safely.

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DixieNormas · 30/10/2014 18:43

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crje · 30/10/2014 18:44

Congratulations on the arrival of baby girl .
Lots of love to you both
Kiss to her big brother

Never heard of a rainbow baby
And my nephew was stillborn

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CheeseandGherkins · 30/10/2014 18:53

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as sharp in my response. It is something close to me, as I lost a daughter myself at 37 weeks. Sadly I've met others (more than you'd think) that have been through the same and they also call their subsequent babies, rainbow babies. It's because a rainbow comes after the storm.

It's quite well known among those that have had losses.

If you know the baby's name that they sadly lost, then I would definitely use it. I would say something along the lines of, welcome to baby x, a lovely rainwbow baby and big sister to y. Remembering their son to them will make them happy in my experience. It may well bring tears to their eyes but it'll be ones because they're glad someone else remembered. They won't ever forget. Hope that isn't projecting too much!

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Dowahdiddydiddydumdiddydo · 30/10/2014 19:03

I'm so sorry for about your daughter, and glad that you have had subsequent babies. I very much like the term rainbow baby - it conveys a lovely image, so I shall remember that.

You didn't come across as sharp - it is terminology that I would hate to get wrong, so it is a good thing to be corrected. My friends have just started having children, and so now I am becoming more familiar with words and phrases. I was very shocked when my friend's son died, as we were all so ignorant about just how often things go wrong.

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CheeseandGherkins · 30/10/2014 19:16

Thank you. It will be 4 years in December that she died and I think of her every single day.

I'm glad you didn't think I did, I re-read my post and thought it may have but that wasn't my intention.

It's still a fairly taboo subject but one which is so important to know about. You only realise how common it is once it happens to you, I used to think it was something that just didn't happen at all, or very little, in this country but that just isn't true.

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LittleBairn · 30/10/2014 19:20

I would honestly just send a congratulations card. It really depends on the person if the wanted the term 'rainbow baby' used I would hate it. And if she has never used it that would suggest to me she doesn't care for it.

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beatofthedrum · 30/10/2014 19:24

((((Cheeseandgherkins))))). I was exactly the same amount of weeks pregnant as you when you lost your baby (I remember her name) and I think of you often. I went on to have my ds in the January and you were in my mind a lot. Little S is not forgotten.

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NewEraNewMindset · 30/10/2014 19:25

I don't think you have to use the term 'rainbow baby' I was just saying that that might be a way of using symbolism without the words necessarily.

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NewEraNewMindset · 30/10/2014 19:28

This kind of thing for example..

How to send congratulations for second child after late miscarriage of first child
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NewEraNewMindset · 30/10/2014 19:30

Crje's message is really cute. I think that would make me smile, not feel sad.

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Dowahdiddydiddydumdiddydo · 30/10/2014 20:35

Thank you to everyone. You've all been so helpful.

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Dildals · 30/10/2014 22:56

I had a stillbirth at 29 weeks and personally I don't like the term rainbow baby or angel babies. It makes me itch. But that's me. I personally would like people to acknowledge the baby that was. To me a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it and it always feels like we all need to forget it happened.

A pregnancy after a loss must be a complete, err, pardon my french, mindfuck, so I would hope my friends would talk about my stillborn baby while I was pregnant and after the birth. But it so depends per person I guess.

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babyangelbean20315 · 31/10/2014 07:56

You know your friend better than anyone on here

I don't like the term rainbow baby it makes the first sound insignificant

If she is religious perhaps you can reference her son as her daughter's guardian angel someone who will always be looking after the both of them and waiting for them up there

If you know the sons name or nickname or anything then say it somewher

I had a miscarriage not a stillborn and I can't imagine how much worse I would feel then I do now but Shit
I wasn't religious but the thought of my baby being anywhere but heaven devistates me , I think it's made my mind open to what comes after life

Just let her know her sons not forgotten and her daughter doesn't replace the son she lost
even if you don't put it in the card when you give her the card say it
give her a hug and tell her noones forgotten her Prince
you will make her cry
But just comfort her
Just remind her he is in her heart every day with her for the rest of her life but untikl she gets to meet him she's got a precious little princess to love and grow with and eventually tell her all about her big brother uno xxx best of luck xxx you will have an emotional talk I guarantee it

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bakingtins · 31/10/2014 08:24

If this thread proves anything it's that the phrases or imagery people find helpful differs, so you are best to keep it simple. I don't think you can improve on what bikerunski suggested - acknowledging that the happiness of the new arrival does not negate the loss of their son.

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NewEraNewMindset · 31/10/2014 08:59

Plus I think if the recipient knows that the card has been sent with the best of intentions they are unlikely to be offended by anything you write inside really. Even if it jars slightly they would think 'bless Dowah for trying to get it right'.

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babyangelbean20315 · 31/10/2014 09:07

I think newera is right, asking as your friend knows you mean well you won't offend her, jus make sure she knows you care, like you said yourself it's not her first child and it won't replace her first child

Just let her know u care x

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Babyh200 · 02/11/2014 23:05

I agree with the lovely Cheese.....my son was stillborn 5 days before my planned c-section. I personally think it's nicer to refer to him as an angel rather than just 'dead' he was almost 9lb, full term and ready for the world. He should have lived and deserved to live....he just ran out of time for some reason. He was never, ever a late miscarriage he was just one of the unlucky ones. When I went to hospital to have my 'rainbow daughter' his picture was proudly displayed by my bed. She wasn't a replacement baby....just a reason to smile again. I wanted and needed for my beautiful boy to be acknowledged by my friends and family. I even said in my announcement my two older children and angel 'A' have a sister.

I have yet to meet another 'angel Mummy' who didn't want their baby acknowledged it will mean so much to them I'm sure.

Waving to CheeseandGherkins and thinking of 'S'

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