I found out yesterday that I had lost my baby....I was 18wks +5. I just feel so empty, heartbroken and like I've been robbed. I kind of knew something didn't feel right. My bump was very small, I was very noticably showing with DS at this point. Also the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat with the ultrasoundy thing at my 16 week check but told me not to worry as the baby may be really low down and then I had brown discharge on Monday night- very light but something just didn't feel right. I went to hospital yesterday morning and they scanned me and told me the words you just don't want to hear "I'm afraid it's bad news". The baby had no heartbeat and looked like it had stopped growing at 16 weeks.
I just broke down, unfortunately I had to take 4 yo DS with me as he is on half term and DH was at work. I had convinced myself and DH that he didn't need to come with me and that everything would be ok I was passed the danger point and I was just going for piece of mind.
My DS was amazing, especially for a 4 YO, he handed me tissues and hugged me, he told me not to cry and that he would look after me. Itried soooo hard to hold it together in front of him, it's horrible for a child to see their Mummy so upset. He did funny dances to make me laugh and cheer me up, we were there for 3 1/2 hours and not once did he complain. He was just an angel and I am so blessed to have him. It was so hard having to explain what was happening to him, I mean what do you say to a 4 year old? I told him the baby was very poorly and is an angel now that watches over us and it wasn't ready to be with us yet. I told him that when it was ready it would come back. He had been so excited to have a baby brother or sister, it was heartbreaking.
I was given a tablet to take and I have to go back tomorrow for a full day to take a series of other tablets which will send me into labour and I will have to give birth. Just awful, I'm petrified. The midwife talked about a funeral and doing footprints and naming the baby- I don't think I want any of that I just want to know what happened and why and then try to move forward. Itmay sound cold and emotionless but that's just how I feel. I don't want drag the whole process out and none of that is going to change what has happened.
I have got up this morning after crying in bed since 4:20am. I came downstairs and my maternity jeans are drying on the airer and my vitamins are on the side in the kitchen and I just broke down again. I keep thinkingwhat have I done wrong, I have been quite stessed at work and juggling that and home life and housework, have I been over doing it? But then the world doesn't stop turning just because you are pregnant.
I miscarried in May last year at 7 weeks and that was hard but Jesus this is awful. I think because you get past 12 weeks and the 1st scan and you think "yes" I can finally start to plan and be excited...turns out not. I have worked out I have been pregnant for 7 months over the last year and don't have anything to show for it. I'm not sure I can or even want to do this again, I would be a complete wreck until I am actually cradling that baby in my arms and what if it happens again?
Sorry that was so long- I don't tend to talk things through in RL so I guess this is just my way of releasing.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Lost my baby at 18 weeks..heartbroken
32 replies
Nobhead · 20/02/2013 06:20
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