I feel like a fraud.

[monkeybutt]

4 weeks ago, I got my first BFP. Went to the GP who confirmed I was nearly 4 weeks pg. Felt tired/ravenous all the time; about a week ago my breasts suddenly got very tender/sore.

Fast forward to yesterday, 6 wks on the dot. While at work (in a hospital) I started bleeding - sorry if TMI, but was brown-ish blood. I was concerned, so I spoke to the sister in charge and she sent me to A&E to get checked out. After a quick triage, sample and a 2 hour wait, I get called through to be told that they tested my sample, and it was negative. They tested again, negative. That was it - I was sent straight home. No offer of anything; just told DH to look after me.

This morning I have woken to quite bad period pain and a light AF. This time with alot of clotting and red blood.

I just don't understand why, or how this happened. How can a test say Positive, then Negative 4 weeks later??? Why has this happened to me, and am I wrong in being upset/sad? Was I ever pregnant in the first place? Have I just had a delayed period? I never had any morning sickness or nausea, and I felt pregnant - but I obviously wasn't. I'm so confused, and feel like a complete and utter failiure - but there are so many other women out there who go through much worse than I have. This just so shitty. I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from writing this post but I need to get this down somewhere and I don't know what else to do.

[jubilucket]

Others will be along soon... just no, you have every right to feel the way you do, you were pregnant, you were full of all the joy that brings, now you are not and you're mourning it just as much as any other mother. Massive and very unMN Hugs xxx

[mistlethrush]

It is crap isn't it. You were, now you're not. It happens, and I promise you you will get over it and it will gradually stop playing such a significant role in your thoughts. The two mc I've had since ds was born have both been early and similarly easy to deal with physically (at least at the time) but emotionally draining. Go easy on yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve what's not going to be anymore. Talk to your partner, don't bottle it up and try to deal with it on your own.

[monkeybutt]

Thank you for your replies. I don't even know what to class this as...is it too early to call it a miscarriage?

[jubilucket]

Wanted to post quickly, this is my more considered reply... I have had three very early miscarriages, with all the symptoms you describe, and like you I felt very let down by doctors/nurses who were very dismissive of my emotions. They just don't seem to get it, that losing a baby feels appalling whenever it happens.
Please don't feel like a failure! I suppose one of the reasons the medical profession is so blase about these early miscarriages is that they are so common. My mum told me she had nine (plus the five successful pregnancies) and I've now got two dds. I've always told myself that the ones I lost were not meant to be, but it doesn't make it any easier at the time...

[LobstersLass]

Poor you, what a horrible shock.
What you choose to class it as is entirely up to you. I lost 4 babies before 8 weeks and I refer to them as miscarriages. I was devestated by them all.

I felt like a failure too, and it took a long time for that feeling to go away - please learn from me and don't go down the path of thinking you're a failure as that way much heartache lies.

Take care of yourself. Feet up, cups of tea on the sofa, and sleep as much as you can. You'll get lots of support here.

[kittykatsforever]

Hi monkey, I'm so so sorry to see you here, we were on the conception thread together and you were pregnant! Mc is unfortunatly really common from wk6-10 and effects everyone differently, some dont get pain some do I think it's down to body's and also how far along you are, a chemical pregnancy is where you a positive but a few days later a neg then your af arrives pretty much on time or a day or so late and I dont think this is what you would call it if you've known for 4 weeks, the a&e staff were auful to me aswel as when I said I thought I was having a mc but didn't know how pg I was ( I had been bf) she said well are you sure you're pg!! I wanted to hit her I swear!
As the others have said it's not your fault and nothing you did. Just one of life's cruelties, sending you hugs x

[kittykatsforever]

Also do not read lack of symptoms etc into anything I had first of healthy dd with not one symptom!! Didn't know I was of til 8wks even though trying and second the same but sadly mc, some people still describe symptoms up to mc. Again we are all different

[kalidasa]

monkey as everyone else says you were pregnant - you had conceived and the embryo had implanted, as that's what produces the stuff that makes the test positive, you can't really get a false positive. But the embryo then failed to develop after a few days/weeks, so you stopped producing the HcG (hence the negative test at work) and once your body realises it hasn't worked out - usually quite quickly very early on - you start to bleed. I had early losses like this in both Jan and Feb this year - first at 5 weeks, second at 4 weeks (only a few days after positive test). Funnily enough the bleeding was quite light with the first one and actually heavier/harder to deal with with the second one, even though it was earlier. The good news is that I got pregnant yet again in March and am now 19 weeks.

By the way, I've been in hospital a lot with hyperemesis and they always record me on my hospital notes as being in my 'third pregnancy' with miscarriages at 4 and 5 weeks. Even though they were so early they still count as pregnancies as far as the docs are concerned. Although as others say these early losses are v. common and obviously before early pregnancy tests you might not have been sure what had happened. I was already really ill when I lost mine so not much doubt about it!

It's also useful to know that this happening once or twice doesn't make it any less likely that you'll go on a healthy pregnancy. In some ways it's a good sign as it shows your body can do the conception/implantation bit, which is usually the hardest thing to correct if there's a problem. I found it upsetting but also in a way reassuring that my body was so good at recognising a possible problem with the pregnancy and dealing with it so early on before it was even more distressing.

[queenrollo]

This happened to me in January, after two years of TTC and right when I was due to have an op for fertility reasons. I was completely disregarded by my Consultant and the nursing staff. The letter my Cons sent to my Gp said I'd had a 'bio-chemical' pregnancy. He refused to record it as a 'miscarriage' on my notes. I received no advice or medical care at all, which in my emotional state I found very hard to cope with.

I had my op in April and am now 9 weeks pregnant. When I spoke to my Community Midwife on the phone and she asked me about previous pregnancies I mentioned the 'chemical pregnancy' and she said 'that's a typical Consultant response, what you had was a miscarriage of a non-viable pregnancy'. She was appalled by the lack of care I received.

You are not a fraud. It's a very distressing thing to go through, emotionally if not so much physically when it happens at such an early stage. Be kind to yourself and allow time to work through how you feel about this.

[monkeybutt]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're helping me to accept that what I'm feeling is okay. Today is all about the sofa, tea and the sky planner (and tissues).

This really, really hurts, more than I thought anything would. I'm going to ring my midwife later to cancel my appointment which I am dreading but I have to admit I am looking forward to a rather large glass of wine tonight.

[mistlethrush]

That's one of the worst bits - cancelling appointments. And you'll find that every second person that passes you in the street seems to be pregnant or have a small baby.

[BangOffTrend]

Sorry you're having this awful time Monkey. I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been so well said. Take painkillers.

Thanks from me to you all too as starting MC4 just now. I can't bear the thought of telling DH when he comes home and crushing all his hopes.

[StaceymReadyForNumber3]

Try and enjoy your wine. Look after yourself.

What you had is a miscarriage, I had 2 just like you described before falling pregnant this time (with dc3). I tried to keep my chin up but it was hard. Other people will prob have better advice but please be kind to yourself. X

[Fandangos]

Hi, I want reinforce what everyone else has written; you are not a failure and you saw your life changing drastically and then it was not happening anymore. Give yourself time to come to terms with this. I went through this more than once (with it ending at the same time as your's) I felt the same as you, but there was support from others who'd been through it on sites like this. Miscarriage is dreadful, hurtful, devastating and bewildering, at an early stage too. You will feel better. Get a lot of good hugs xxxx

[jubilucket]

Just dropped in via Threads I'm On... hope you enjoyed the large glass of wine!

[monkeybutt]

The wine didn't happen unfortunately. After all the painkillers I'd taken it would have probably had an adverse effect on me.

I'm going to see my GP this morning, I need to talk to someone. The Dr in A&E was just so rude and dismissive - "you've just got your period" - uuhh sorry but this is nothing like a freaking period - I need reassurance that everything is okay and what is happening is 'normal' for a mc.

[nocluenoclueatall]

Sorry this happened to you Monkeybutt. It's shit. I hope you feel better soon and try whatever else happens, to forget this crappy health "care" you've received. You had a miscarriage, that's awful. You just have to be glad for the insensitive fuckers who dismiss it as anything else, because it means they've never had to go through it themselves.

Take care of yourself. x

[LobstersLass]

Hope your GP was sympathetic. It's likely that you still feel dreadful, even if physically you are recovering your mind will still be whirring. There is nothing wrong with that it's normal.
Take time off work and feel sorry for yourself. I didn't do this and it took me a long time to stop feeling angry about what had happened to me.

BangOffTrend, so sorry to hear your terrible news too.

Take care of yourselves ladies.

[Haylebop12]

Sorry to hear what you went through. I got to my 12 week scan before i got told I miscarried at 9 weeks. Fortunately all staff involved including my trip to a and e whilst miscarrying were fab but I'm sure it happens. At the time u feel like no one Could possibly feel like u do until you come on mn!
My advice would be let yourself cry when u feel like it, anywhOere, anytime. I felt better keeping myself busy and tiring myself out as I was struggling to sleep.
If you were having large clots then the chances are you were not just having a period. I hope your gp can offer you support.
I'm 3 weeks post and I feel ok, still have moments but looking forward to thefuture.

[jubilucket]

Love and hugs to everyone xxx

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

Lovely, I'm sorry.

Best advice I can give is give yourself time. Don't belittle what you've been through (it's early, how can I be so upset), and give yourself time to grieve properly. I went back to work too early after a MC at 6 weeks and had to be signed off.

It's a very real thing and you need and deserve time to process it all.

Sorry again xx

[GracieGirl]

Sending huge hugs to you Monkeybutt. I'm so sorry you have miscarried. Take care of yourself and eat lots of chocolate. I'm very sure I wouldn't have survived my miscarriage without support from others on mumsnet. Some healthcare staff just don't understand.

[monkeybutt]

Thank you all so much for your kind messages. I don't post on here often, and I wasn't sure if writing this was a good idea or not but it's been a bit cathartic.

My GP was absolutely brilliant. He was appalled at the way I was treated at A&E, especially when he tested and got a positive result - hormones. He's given me advice, told me what and what not to expect, but most importantly he listened to me. I felt a lot better afterwards.

We're away with family this weekend in Suffolk, so I'm hoping the fresh air and lots of walks will help to clear the fuzziness in my head. I also passed a brown/black sac this morning which was heartbreaking. DH is being fantastic and is letting me just be on my own for a bit before we meet everyone else.

I'm due back at work on Tuesday, that should be interesting.

Bangoff; big hugs to you. Xxxx

[LobstersLass]

Glad to hear your GP was supportive. Mine was great too and it makes such a difference!

Hope your weekend away helped your recovery and that you had a lovely time. It must have been tough putting on a smiley face for family.

If you're not ready to go back tomorrow - don't go.

Thinking of you. x

[Haylebop12]

Same here, hope your weekend helped.
Agree with lobster if your not ready don't go. They should understand. Both dh and I had a week off.
Hope your ok x