How to move forward following a stillbirth at full term

[AmberV]

Hi, I am new to Mumsnet and also new to joining any forum. I suffered a still birth at 38 + 4 weeks, 2 weeks ago. Its only 2 weeks ago but feels like 2 years, each day feels like a month.

I just wondered if anyone else had gone through anything similar? Also, if anyone else had gone through a still birth and then gone on to have healthy babies?

My head is all over the place at the moment, dealing with my body acting like its never been pregnant and returning to normal, grieving for my little girl I lost and being terrified of the future and fearful of never becoming a mum and getting to cuddle my baby and bring her home.

[Diamondsamdrubies]

AmberV: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Here I was feeling sorry to be miscarrying at 8.5 weeks- when what you are going through is so unimaginable. I hope the lovely gals here can offer you dome stories of inspiration and consolation. Please take care of yourself. You have my heartfelt sympathy. Please try and get some support in RL too. Take care Hun x

[CarGirl]

I am so sorry for your loss, your lovely daughter, have friends who've walked the same awful journey.

They got a lot of support and help via SANDS, which I think has on-line features now. There are lots of other parents on here who have been through similar.

My 3 friends who've had still births (for 2 of them it was their first child) have all gone on to have healthy children, so do have hope.

Stillbirth and late miscarriage is sadly much more common than we realise.

By kind to yourself, that whole feeling that every day is a month echoes what my friend said, the days and nights were never ending.

[UrsulaBuffay]

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

If you have a look at the bereavement board, there is a beautiful supportive thread on there full of lovely ladies who have suffered the loss of a child, they are fabulous.

Hope you have lots of real life support too, my thoughts are with you x

[AmberV]

Thanks for your message Diamonds. I had a miscarriage in 2009 at 9 weeks, although we didnt find out until the 12 week scan, it was a missed miscarriage, so I know how you must be feeling to lose your baby at 8.5 weeks. It is never easy no matter when it happens. Can I ask what RL is? Sorry if this is a silly question. xx

[Greythorne]

So sorry for what you are going through.

You have come to the right place for support, advice and help. Just avoid AM I BEING UNREASONABLE board.

My sister lost a baby at 40 weeks. It was her second baby, no explanation, no prior indications.

She and her DH were devastated and so was everyone in our wider family.

But, they went on to have a third healthy baby and they did get past the devastation, thanks to time and family support. It really is possible. As unlikely as that prob seems to you right now.

Good luck.

[CarGirl]

RL = Real Life.

[woollyjo]

Oh Amber xxxx

This happened to us almost 2 years ago our Niamh was still born for no diagnosable reason - absolutely heart breaking and if I'm completely honest there are days when I am right back in the delivery room and the days after all over again.

However Niamh was our 2nd DD and we had our 3rd 11 months later (I was absolutely desperate for another baby and a sibling for DD1). DD3 is now 10 months old.

There are sadly lots of mums here who have had a similar experience to you and I'm sure you will find the support you need here. Take time to grieve your way and be very very kind to yourself.

There is a thread for bereaved mums here which is an excellent place to scream and shout about the bloody unfairness of it all and be understood and if you come to it a thread for pregnant mums who have had a rough ride.

RL - Real Life

[AmberV]

Thanks for all your messages, my husband has just gone out to meet a friend and I felt lost indoors.

Cargirl - thanks for giving me hope with how your 3 friends went on to have children. I am trying to hang on to any pieces of positive news I can at the moment.

Ursula - thanks for the tip on the bereavement board, I will have a read through those threads.

LunaticFringe - Congratulations on your little boy, it does give me hope for the future. Was it long before you started trying again after losing your dd2? I am just dreading the start of each period meaning I would have to wait another month to try again. Then on the other hand, if I did fall pregnant, it opens up another load of worries for the next 9 months. Did you manage to enjoy your pregnancy or were you worried the whole time?

Its so hard because you are still grieving but I am desperate to try again to fall pregnant, but then I start wondering am I wanting to fall pregnant because Im tricking myself into thinking that I will have my little girl back, does that make sense?

xx

[AmberV]

Greythorne - thanks for your message, its so hard to believe that you can actually move on from this right now, I guess its only time that will make it bearable over the years. I had had such a great pregnancy too, like your sister, no problems, I felt so well during the pregnancy, just doesnt make sense.

Woollyjo - thanks for your message, I can imagine how those memories come flooding back. Thanks for the advice on the other threads. How were you with your 3rd pregnancy following still birth, did you manage to enjoy it or were you worried the whole time?

x

[CarGirl]

All you fears and worries sound very "typical" in the circumstances.

My friend who most recently had a still birth (nearly 2 years ago) was desperate to conceive again and it happened quickly (it had taken time with their eldest), then she had a missed miscarriage, now she has a 5 month old. Watching them (Mum and Dad) try and cope with the pregnancy was hard. I don't think there was much enjoyment just a determination to try and keep it together and get to the end - not much sleep was had!

They found no reason for her eldests death, she made good friends with a Mum via SANDS and their son had died due to an infection but knowing didn't seem to make it any more copable with/preventable - her friend also now has son, so another success story.

As a friend I still have moments when I cry for them, for the pain and loss they endured. People may put on a brave face in front of you but as one Mum to another you so hurt for them and feel so helpless, it's so unfair. Lots of tears were shed between us, I will never forget her eldest son, it's wonderful to see them full of joy with their 2nd born but there are sometimes moments of what could/should have been, times of tears from them etc.

Please be very kind to yourself and grieve, you will have good and bad hours/days, it's all "normal".

There is another organisation called "count the kicks" promoting lots of helpful advice - again many members will have had a stillbirth too.

[KarenHL]

Much of what you say applies to me too. DS was due on New Years Eve. He was born on Christmas Eve and died just under an hour later (in my arms). For us though, it wasn't completely unexpected - doesn't make us feel any better though. As I said on another thread earlier this week, baby has left an adult-sized gap in our lives.

We are fortunate to already have one daughter. Hope to try again one day, although in our case there is a 1 in 4 chance the same thing will happen again as happened to DS (inherited illness). I know that another baby cannot replace DS (I wouldn't want to), but all the reasons we wanted a baby are still there which is why I'd like to try again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. To me each day feels like a year, and sometimes it feels as if mentally I'm just putting one foot in front of the other to get through the day. I found SANDS events helpful (we had a snowdrop planting day recently, which is lovely way to remember our babies). I was floored this week, when I realised he would have been 3 months old. Grief hurts.

[AmberV]

CarGirl - thanks for your message. Some of the thoughts I have, I start wondering if I really am losing the plot. I find myself looking at people with babies/young children who clearly don't give a monkey about them/their safety and I find myself thinking why can they have children and I can't. It does just seem so unfair.

We fell pregnant in 2009 but then had a missed miscarriage, lost the baby at 9 weeks and found out at the 12 week scan, it took us this long to fall pregnant again and we thought we were home and dry by the time we got to full term, how wrong we were. I can imagine your friend not enjoying the pregnancy, you are not in the same happy 'bubble' that you are when its ended in a still birth, I guess you must always fear the worse until you actually have them in the car seat and are driving them home from the hospital. Its good to know that your friend and the mum at Sands both went on to have happy endings. I am worried that, being 39 that time is not on my side.

Did your friend worry about being overprotective when she finally got her baby? Thats another of my fears that I would want to wrap them in cotton wool and not let them do anything go anywhere for fear of something happening.

Thanks for the count the kicks website, I'll have a look at that x

[CarGirl]

I don't think she's overprotective but I remember her saying that this time I don't care if I'm a Mum bore, I will talk about my wonderful son all the time!

I don't know anyone who hasn't gone on to have another healthy baby I do know the level of support and care she got from the hospital and local midwives was fantastic. She also saw a private consultant for help in conceiving again as she had fertility issues. They but her on aspirin to thicken the lining of her womb and something for her insulin levels as she suffered with gestational diabetes.

[bananarama05]

Amber - I know nothing I say will make what's happened any more bearable but as the others have said don't give up hope.

I am, to most that know me an only child. Those closer to me know my mum lost a little one before me at 8 hours old due to polycystic kidneys and and another after me, stillborn at 29 weeks. I was prem at 32 weeks but am, compared to most people totally fit and healthy.

I'm currently 30 weeks pg myself and the above has meant I probably haven't relaxed and enjoyed my pg as much as others might so I can begin to imagine when it's you, rather than close family that it's happened to it must be terrifying to think about trying again.

I know my mum also got an awful lot of support from Sands and would agree with everyone else that has suggested getting in contact with them.

Take care of yourself and make you sure you have people around you to take care of you too.

[AmberV]

Karen - so sorry to hear about your little boy, god that must have been so hard whether it was expected or not. We got to cuddle our DD, I am so glad we did. It just looked like she was asleep, you just keep thinking that they will open their eyes and that the hospital have made a mistake. It still feels so surreal.

My friends ask what I have done in the day and say glad you've had a nice day, if I say Ive been doing the gardening or something. But you don't have 'nice' days, you just have days. Each day is just another day that you have to get through, sometimes drag yourself through.

The snowdrop planting day sounds really lovely with SANDS. When our DD would have been a week old, we went for a walk round our local lake and through rose petals in at the time she was born.

You are right, grief does hurt. Do you have family and friends to help support you?


LunaticFringe - thanks again, did they give you a c-section or did they induce you? The consultant said to me that if we did fall again, they would do a c-section at 37 weeks.

x

[AmberV]

Cargirl - you saying about your friend becoming a 'mumbore' made me smile, I can imagine how she must feel and want to tell the world! Thanks for the advice on the aspirin, I am seeing my consultant this week so will ask if its something I should be doing.

Bananarama - thanks for your message and sharing that. Good luck with your pregnancy x

[woollyjo]

Amber - I had to believe it was all going to be ok other wise I just couldn't have functioned. That said we prefaced all future plans with 'if everything goes ok .... etc etc' as if we didn't dare believe it was going to be ok.

Despite regular scans etc. neither DH or I really believed it would all be ok untill DD3 was in our arms. We did however name her as soon as we knew (private sexing scan) that she was a girl we weren't going to pass up any opportunity to include this baby in our lives from the word go.

[CarGirl]

She had scan which showed she had a very thin womb lining. If you can afford it I would go see another consultant for a 2nd opinion just because they may pick something else up and don't have NHS restrictions placed on them.

Get as much support in RL and on-line as you can, it's a very long road

both of my other friends went on to have 3 and 2 more children respectively, all were natural births - they had definite reasons for their stillbirths too (one was 43 weeks so placenta failure, the other a treatable blood condition) - they were induced earlier than they lost their older ones. My other friend with the 5 month old had a c-section but he was transverse and had a low lying placenta.

[AmberV]

Thanks for your responses, it really does help.

We had a call today to say that some of our post mortem results were back and show absolutely nothing. For a split second I was pleased but then sickening realisation hit me that my daughter died for nothing. I just can't get my head around it. We have an appointment with our consultant tomorrow.

We also had a call from our hospital to say that our daughter was back there and asked if we wanted to see her again. We really don't know what to do. Have any of you been to see your angel babies after a post mortem has taken place?

It just hurts so much

[louisesh]

Hi AmberV So sorry XXXX

My dd was stillborn at 41 weeks on 10th October 2010.Georgina [Georgie] died from E coli excerbated by the 2nd sweep.We heard her heartbeat on Friday 8th October by Saturday 9th October Georgie had died.I had brillant package of care during my pregnancy and we have an even better package lined up this time.With results you re doomed if you find a reason doomed if you don t.Georgie went for a PM we saw her at the funeral palour before she was cremated.Georgie's service was lovely and she raised over £1500 for delivery suite staff, we bought a remembrance book for the ward.
The recovery process is so long and hard i have wonderful support system with my dh,family and friends.I had counselling via work's occ health dept and that helped a lot.I ve spoken to SANDS a couple of times and they helped.
I ve only just returned to work and they've been a brillant support i m on phased return.I didn t /couldn t rush back to work as i m a specialist sister at a sexual health clinic and couldn t deal with seeing chav females getting pg at the drop of a hat.
Take a notepad when you see the consultant your head will be a shed and we needed to work back through stuff after.
The pain is unberable but it does ease over time, i think, you just learn how to cope.I have no living children and had 2 MCs pre Georgie so like you, we thought we'd cracked it.Then a massive smack in the face.It's mother nature reminding me i m not in charge.
Please take careXXXXXX

[pinkytheshrinky]

I have nothing constructive to add AmberV but send you my condolences on the loss of your precious daughter.

[Bumpsadaisie]

So sorry for your loss. It's devastating. I can't imagine how it feels.

My mother had a stillborn little boy at 38 weeks when I was 4. There was a post mortem but they couldn't find any reason for why he had died.

My mother did go on to have two more healthy girls. Wishing you all the best.

[Bumpsadaisie]

The other thought I had was that back in the 70s people were not as switched on as they are now - there was no funeral service or way of marking my little brother's life. We don't even know what happened to his body. There is no grave or headstone, not even a tree in the garden or anything like that. My mother now finds that very hard, even though at the immediate time I think she just airbrushed the whole thing out and was glad to have no reminders of him.

I think it might help you if you can do something to permanently remember your little girl by - in the fullness of time you will move on past this grief, but she will always be your first and you will never forget her.

Take care and treat yourselves gently.