Where do shy mums meet other shy mums?

[Quiet1]

Hi. I am an older mum and a genuinely shy person. Im pretty quiet in groups and gatherings. I am friendly and fine when I get to know people but Im lacking confidence, especially in the last few years. Although I keep trying, I find social interaction quite hard. But where do people as shy as me meet others? Confidence for me comes from supportive situations. Most of the mums at school have either made strong links or are very sufficient in family, friends, activities and finance. I have I have posted on other boards for depression, social anxiety and I even looked at boards about phobias but I realize by the posts there that I am quite borderline so I dont know where to find help and although I am quite isolated. My ds is nearly 6, dh is always working long hours. I live in North London. Does anyone have any practical advice or does anyone feel like this?

[Chandra]

I'm very shy in certain occassion and getting to meet new people really strsses me up, I have found that posting regularly in mumsnet has helped me to be more participative and to get more confident in expressing my opinion. Keep posting, with time it will be easier and I'm sure that soon there will be a Mumsnet meet up near your area and you could meet with people you have already know in a more neutral setting

[CountessDracula]

Quiet1 it must be very difficult for you, I am not a shy person but I know plenty of people who are and I know how difficult they find social situations. Also, although I would not think I'm shy I am not always mega confident, but try and put on a brave face iykwim!

Do you really want to meet other shy people or just other people? I think if it's just the initial contact you find hard, you just have to hold your breath and jump in with two feet, not worry what anyone else thinks of you and be yourself.

How about activity places for kids, there are always loads of mums sitting around watching their kids, you could just ask if they would mind you joining them and then start off by talking about kids.

I think it was Willow who said to me once that she found mumsnet such a great vehicle to meet like-minded people because by the time you meet up you already know pretty much that you will get on and have something in common (I moved to the same area as Willow and by the time I met her I knew that we both loved Arsenal, Rhodesian Ridgebacks and wine, there was the start of a great friendship, we now meet up with each other regulary)

She said that when you meet people at for eg playgroup, sometimes (often) all you have in common with them is that you both have kids of the same age. I think that;s very true.

I take it you don't work - could you maybe get a local part time job and meet some people that way?

[walnuttree]

Quiet1

I am an older Mum too ! Sometimes I think it makes me more shy because I have a different outlook on some things.

I think I'm reserved even more than shy. Have always found social gatherings where you have to make small talk and no-one talks about anything serious a real strain. I made all my friends through work and am much happier when I have a job to do ! I found being at home with a small child extremely lonely. I am working as a part-time adult literacy tutor and have made friends that way - don't seem to have made friends with a lot of other mothers. If you have always lived in a place it must be much easier. I haven't !!

I think it's so true that you may not necessarily get on with people just because you have children the same age. My daughter is now 9 - I do feel lonely, but think it goes with the territory of being home-based, sometimes.

I think Mumsnet is great because you find out how people really think and feel much more quickly than in a social situation. IF you'd like to start a cybercorrespondence (how's that for a new, mad word !) I'd be willing !!

I'd suggest volunteering if you aren't in a position to get a paid job. I got a new career through going along to help at an adult literacy class. Volunteering is structured and you can't help but meet people. You get just as much out of it as you put in, I have found. It helped that what I was doing wasn't child-centred, but something for me. That's not to say I don't enjoy helping with reading at school etc, but it was something separate for me.

If you are shy and have lost confidence it is a brilliant way of getting it back again and doing something worthwhile and positive. If you have a local volunteer bureau you could get in touch. They need all sorts of people, doing all sorts of things for varying amounts of time.

Hope these suggestions help. Please get in touch again if you would like.

[champs]

quiet 1 where in north london i'm in north? I am shy too and haven't plucked up courage to go to a meet up even tho some have been near me. with me, my weight makes me so self conscious in its self so that has been stopping me too.

[slug]

Ah champs I know what you mean. Whenever I take the sluglet to any activity the mummys there are always so TINY. How do they do it? My consolation is that small children seem to find my large lap very comforting. I often just sit on the floor and end up with two or three crawling over and settling down for a cuddle.

Perhaps we could have an 'older and fatter but don't give a damn about it' mumsnet meetup.

[chrissey14]

hi all indded i wsih all moms would take the time 2 notice other moms that need a chat and a friend despite having loads of their own.

i,m a shy and reserved mom at times but do make the effort to chat and meet other moms

yes mumsent is a good place 2 start and netmums 2 find fellow moms closer 2 home ,good 2 chat online 1st bulid up your confidence then meet up

we expect to much from people when we meet them need 2 give them time a chance
tc all

wish u every sucess keep trying

chrisseyxxx

[Ixel]

Quiet1 ... and Champs.... we are really lovely and we live in North London. Please come and join us! There seem to be two or three different N London meet ups going on. I'm sure you'll be welcomed anywhere, but we are the 'North London Get Together' lot. Ita a bit fluid, but there's about 4 of us usually, plus little sidekicks.We're meeting next Thurs I think. But if you're too nervous, contact me through mn and you can come and meet me first. I'm not very exciting, and it takes a while for people to get to know the 'real me', but the offers there if you want it! I'm trying to keep my social circle increasing, as it's really weird to not be going out to work anymore.. I'm slowly losing my ability to communicate with adults, to be efficient and organised etc. I've also lost the ability to do housework, but I'm not too upset about that.

[Kayleigh]

I met Ixel yesterday and she is lovely and so is her ds.
Champs - please don't feel that you can't come to a meet-up. I for one would love to meet you, you sound like a lovely person. I'm in barnet - are you nearby?
Quiet1, I can also be quite shy till i get to know people and it took a great deal of courage to go to my first meet-up. But I have made some really lovely friends on here and I don't think anyone is judgemental or unfriendly. Would be great if you wanted to come along.
As Ixel said I'm also happy to do a one to one meet-up with anyone if they are too nervous to go to a bigger meeting. Am around Mondays and Fridays and work in the city tues/weds/thurs.
Hope to hear from you soon.

[Ixel]

aaah... thanks Kayleigh. I'm touched. Maybe if I see you again, ds wont have his dinner smeared all down his trousers and I'll look like the very efficient mother I am!!!

[spacemonkey]

I'd just like to echo everyone else in saying that mumsnet is a great place to meet like-minded people. As others have said, you already know that you have things in common before you actually meet - mums and tots groups and the school playground are really hit and miss, in fact I didn't meet any friends in those sorts of places. I'm quite shy too, although I seem to be getting better at coping with it as I get older.

[maomao]

Quiet1 and champs,

I completely understand how meeting new people can be very stressful. I am always certain that people won't like me --- and I muddle everyone's name, etc. MN is wonderful in that you can get to know people without the initial face-to-face stress, if you like. Or you can meet-up with others, which has been really wonderful for me. Like ixel and Kayleigh, I'm in North London, and would be happy to meet up with you, if you're at all interested. I often meet with Davros when she has free time, and she has been very nice!

[aelita]

Quiet1, yes let us know where in N london you are. I'm in East London/North London borders. I understand exactly where you're coming from. From being a chronically shy child I've had to work hard over the years to become better at social interaction. I have a very boisterous and confident husband whom I do have a tendency to hide behind, but I've found that having a baby is actually making me better at getting out there independently and trying to make new friends. Mumsnet is invaluable, because it gives you a chance to talk with people first and get to know them. Countess Dracula encouraged me to do my first meet-up and very glad I am she did! I confess I'd find it next to impossible to go to a mother and baby group 'blind' as it were. So just go for it, and don't worry if you're quiet - everyone else will do plenty of talking and think no worse of you if you're not immediately chatty. I can assure you that the meet-ups are very supportive and you'll probably find you gain confidence quite quickly anyway.

[champs]

thank you all ever so much, what lovely posts. I wil def take you up on your kind offers. I dont want to follow the same path as with ds1 when I didn't go to any groups because of shyness etc. I feel he missed out and dont want that for ds2.

Quiet1-- maybe we can meet up with one or two of the north lon netters and branch up from there?

[Quiet1]

Thanks for your lovely messages! Im definitely interested in all the meet ups, Ixel, Kayleigh, Maomao and Champs, Id love to. Champs, Im happy to do at the same time as you. Ixel, Thursday/next week is looking busy for me, not impossible, but onwards from the week after will be better. Im going to keep posting here for the time being and Ill keep an eye on any meeting up posts for n London and see if I can juggle it. Suggestions for a 1to1 beforehand were very thoughtful, Im fine either way. Walnuttree, we can cybercorrespond, where about do you live? Your suggestions about volunteering were helpful I have been thinking about volunteering to see where it takes me before I go back to my previous work. Its one of the main things that I want to sort out next week. Aelita, Im in Wood Green. My H and my long term ex are both very strong characters too.

CountessDracula, you are right, its people that I want to meet, their shyness is optional, but sometimes Id like them to know that I am! By approaching it this way, if people know Im shy from the start then I might not feel shy because I will know that they know and its OK with them!? A lovely friend that I met over the internet last year is very similar to me and when we eventually met we couldnt believe that the other had had any kind of social anxieties because wed already discussed it from the beginning so we were quite relaxed!

So pleased I posted on this site. I will be in touch very soon. xxxxx

[chiswickmum]

QuietOne

I really wanted to respond to your thread as it struck so many chords with me. I am shy in certain situations,but not all the time. When I had my dd, I assumed (as that was what I had been told) that I would meet lots of other mothers and have a great social life. I found that it didn't really happen, in that most of the parent and toddler groups I went to were remarkably unfriendly (others I have got to know since, also felt the same). I think that when you stop working and have a child, your life is so changed that you can loose confidence. This certainly happened to me. However what I realised was that whilst some people at these groups didn't talk to anyone but their friends, others didn't communicate because they were shy and didn't know what to say.

Your strength is that you have realised that you may find certain situations difficult, and that you are looking for ways to deal with it. It really bothered me that I didn't initially meet people, as I as concerned that it would impact on my dd. I then remembered that someone at work who I would never describe as shy, had told me that she had also found it difficult. I think that one of the problems is that we assume that we may have things in common with others in groups, but at the end of the day, the only common factor is that we have a child.

As a result of all this, I made a point of talking to any new people who joined, who I thought looked interesting. I also decided just to attend one well-run group, where everyone mixed.

Have you thought about helping with the PTA at your child's school? If you offered to carry out a particular task, you could just get on with the job and you might find that you met other mothers along the way. It would be less difficult than the situation of waiting outside the playground. You would also meet parents outside your child's year group and just because they would be a arger group, there would be more potential for finding common interests.

I've two other suggestions - you could join an adult education class. It's a bit of a cliche, but has worked for me in the past. Also, does your child play on your local swings? Now that the weather is good, if you went everyday, you would probably see the same people. I have found that although this is unlikely to lead to deep friendships (though whose to say that it couldn't), there are people who I would know just to say hello to when I am walking around.

I can't say that I have made lots of friends through my dd - it is also complicated by the fact that I work - however I have made a couple.

[champs]

hi all!! quiet1, I go to wood green nearly everday!! contact me if you want to thru CAT.

[Quiet1]

I will be in touch very soon Champs. CAT threw me for a minute - I even looked it up on the acronym list before I worked it out! OK!

[walnuttree]

Quiet1

So glad you are feeling better. I live in Hampshire, so it's a bit far from North London !! Hope you enjoy your meet-ups. Will write more fully later. Such a relief to know other people feel the same as I do !!

Walnuttree

[champs]

lovely meeting you quiet one!! ds1 had a wonderful time.

[Quiet1]

Champs, it was lovely to meet you too! Little one is so adorable and my ds loved your ds2 (oldest). My ds gets attached to with his friends v. quickly, and on the way home he was saying: I loved playing with *! Will be in touch soon, for another meet, or a bigger meet.

[walnuttree]

Quiet1

Am feeling guilty becaue I haven't e-mailed. Am glad to hear you have contacted others and are feeling happier.

Went to see a lot of artists' work today in the Hampshire countryside. Took my dd. She loved it, especially looking round garden sculptures and hiding from me !!

It was good to be with her and have a break from the general routine.

All the best

Walnuttree

[Ixel]

Hi Quiet1/Champs. We're trying to sort out a north London get together next week, on the not-so-posh thread. It'd be great if you could come.

[champs]

thanks ixel, will keep a look out. I'm deff not at all posh

[keziah]

Hi all. I met nearly all my friends post children at our local park which i found much less intimidating than mother and toddler groups. If you go there enough (every morning in my case!) you really do start to recognise and be recognised. Its a very stress free way of meeting people. Can't recommend it enough. Good luck to you Quiet 1.

[Quiet1]

Hi all! Ever since I posted here a chain reaction seems to have happened - I've been busier than ever before. I'm feeling more confident too. Keziah: we did make some friends thru the park scene that eventually became school mums/friends. I usually take ds to park twice a week after school if weather is good and I think I will go as much as poss (unsettled weather permitting) and swap a few numbers for the summer hols. A few mums have said already that we should get together over the hols and I know them all pretty well. North Londn Mnetters: I will be in touch when I'm ready for the big meet - it's not only shyness that's delaying me. I've got a paperwork pile up of important jobs to sort and I need to do the ultimate clear out before the summer hols and before I give my undivided time to ds. Walnuttree and Chiswick: I haven't forgotten the support I got on this thread from you and others. I'll be in touch thru CAT soon.
Take care and hugs xxxxx
Quiet1