so when do things get better with the ex?

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

it's just a thought really..
I have no feelings whatsoever for my exh and if it wasn't for the dcs would never have seen him again
But as we're both parents of them I just want to hear how all you others MNers get on with yours
I find mine nice one day and an unreasonable arse the next
A bit like walking on eggshells i guess...

[skramblenotdieting]

I find mine is the same sometimes he is very nice and has done me favours with the kids, but other times he is the biggest arse ever.

My catch phrase just now seems to be "Its always something".

I find the best way is not too expect too much, and not to beat myself up when it is him that lets the kids down, I get so upset when he doesn't want the kids for as long as I think he might or whatever. But the kids don't seem bothered I suppose that is just as sad as if they were upset.

I have to just remind myself that I am good enough to be bothe parents and that my children ar wonderful and love me. ExH is just a very small part of that.

Now that things are starting to get signed off with the solicitor I ma starting to get a bit more tough, but determined not to play tit for tat using the kids even though he might try.

I have learned after a year..

keep exH at arms length,
don't be fooled by his good days,
don't get too chatty, it never lasts,
make sure all arrangements are very very very clear, written down if need be,
don't leave things open ended sort out times for pick ups etc beforehand so no confusuion.
do not be rushed into agreeing to things you are not happy about, take time to think and discuss if possible,
it requires two of you to negotiate,
don't be arsey, bitchy etc it gets you nowhere,
be the grown up!!!

hope things settle down and you get things to a reasonable state.

[brightwell]

I agree with the above...I'm almost 10 years down the line and unfortunately still don't have a "working relationship" with ex. Sometimes he is civil but when things don't go the way he wants(when I don't give into his threats & bullying tactics) he reverts to name calling, usually in front of the dc.

[MegSophandEmma]

Yep it's is still the same with my ex and we seperated in 2003.

One moment we can actually have a laugh on the phone and take the mick out of each other to the girls in a jovial way. Then the next time we talk he changes completely and can be an obnoxious twat. Which results in me hanging up the phone.

I really think it depends on how things ended. Who ended it for example and if the split was amicable or not. In my case I ended it because he was to controlling and I fell out of love with him.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

it's comforting to know that it's not just me then!!
MegSophandEmma I ended the marriage for exactly the same reason as you.
I have honestly tried such as trying to include him in certain 'family things' and have even let him stay for dinner on the odd occasion thou he ends up spoiling things by either criticising or reverting to his control freak bullying self.
I to a certain extent just laugh it off but i do worry about the effect it has on the children esp ds1 who sees his dad speaking to mummy like shit so thinks he can follow suit.
He has also done some really wicked things to me too which I just can't forgive..
When he took the children away for a fortnight's holiday abroad he barely kept in contact his phone was turned off and he ignored my texts/voicemails begging him to let the children speak to me
Maybe i should start another thread asking who gets on with their ex?

[missingtheaction]

IME, the first 18 months were very very difficult. It took me a long time to break the bad habits that had contribtued to our breakup (me being a doormat, putting up with his ranting etc) and he was totally gutted and griefstricken by the split.

Now it depends very much what's going on in his life - if he's happy and settled then things are fine, but if things are going badly then I do get some of the fallout. Anniversaries are difficult for him, but I've learned to predict when he might go off on one and be prepared for it. Also all issues with the kids tend to land back on my doorstep.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

missingtheaction i will bear that in mind
it was my birthday recently and he couldnt even buy a card for the children to give me not that i'm complaining about the lovely home made one that i got lol!!
it's just the petty but nasty things he does which are done to undermine and upset me

[LiffeyAnnaLivia]

Aseriouslyblondemoment, I don't know. I feel like I've detached myself 85% from x's abuse, and I've made a new life, but he's still there in the background with the power to upset everybody with his deluded version of reality and his nastiness.

I find myself wishing that he would commit suicide. I will be flamed for this. I'm not defending this thought. I'm just saying, it pops into my head, and I know it's not a lovely thing to admit to but I do sometimes think, I can't cope with this malevolent presence in my life for the next 20 odd yrs, and beyond....

A girl I know was recently telling me her mother left her father when she was a small child, and her father refused to go to her wedding becuase he mother was invited first, or some such nonsense. She said he father had NEVER forgiven her mother for daring to leave him. It gave me a shiver down my spine.

[ratbunny]

skramblenotdieting
I have learned after a year..

keep exH at arms length,
don't be fooled by his good days,
don't get too chatty, it never lasts,
make sure all arrangements are very very very clear, written down if need be,
don't leave things open ended sort out times for pick ups etc beforehand so no confusuion.
do not be rushed into agreeing to things you are not happy about, take time to think and discuss if possible,
it requires two of you to negotiate,
don't be arsey, bitchy etc it gets you nowhere,
be the grown up!!!

that is the most comprehensive and practical dealing-with-ex list I have seen! all of it is totally true.

Mine has been totally unpredictable, threatening etc so I had to cut all contact, and when I do he tries to worm his way back in, then inevitably things go shit again. He is currently saying he wants me back and I told him I dont want him back, so who knows what shit I am in for now Dont be fooled by his good days - excellent advice

[LiffeyAnnaLivia]

Yes rat, I was going to say that that is a very good list.

Openended arrangements will always end up with one party getting wrong end of the stick and blaming the other party.

Once my Mum agreed to meet x and his equally awful mother at the STATION, it had been arranged by text, so it was there in 'writing', but she got there and they weren't there, they were at the hotel and they looked at her as if to say, where the fcuk were you? with martyred expressions.

[MegSophandEmma]

"When he took the children away for a fortnight's holiday abroad he barely kept in contact his phone was turned off and he ignored my texts/voicemails begging him to let the children speak to me"

Yep still get this too!! Had exactly the same thing happen during the summer, when he took DD's to disney land. I tried to search out the hotel number and everything.

Whenever he takes DD's to Scotland he never lets me know if they got there ok, won't reply to texts or phonecalls.

Assholes!

[MegSophandEmma]

Very good list RB

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

LiffeyAnnaLivia i wont flame you LMAO!!
But yes i've had those thoughts too, OFTEN!!
and er cheers for the thought of another 20 sodding years and beyond...aagh FFS
Actually I'm ashamed to say that I've had even worse thoughts such as wishing I had never had my dcs so that I would never have to see the horrible bastard again for sure
And how is he going to take it when he actually finds out that i have a BF now?
christ another going off on one i think..

[Mamazon]

aww Kerrymum - you beat me to it.

[LiffeyAnnaLivia]

ha ha Kerrymum, and seriouslyblonde, glad to know I'm not alone in my dark little fantasy

[ratbunny]

meg - not my list! I was just quoting it! total credit to skramble for that one!

[LiffeyAnnaLivia]

ps aseriouslyblonde, I know what you mean, I don't wish my children away but I do sometimes think, well IF I'd gone out with G (a nice man who asked me out just when I'd started going out with KNOB) where would my life be now! I wouldn't have the children I have now, I'd have completely different children and I wouldn't miss the children I have now, cos I'd have different ones, and maybe a lovely husband too, or at least, a MUCH saner x.

Because even with the same man, the children we get is still such chance, different egg, different sperm and we'd STILL have totally different children, so I don't feel it is such a terribly wicked thing to think about (briefly). Obviously I wouldn't obsess over it! But I know where you're coming from.

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

oh pmsl KM and Mamazon
MegSophandEmma bet this nearly killed you?
It nearly destroyed me when he did this to me it was one act of wickedness too far
And to think some people actually feel sorry for him
To make matters worse he drove all the way there thru the night and wouldnt stop off at a hotel for a break he said he'd pull into a layby for a nap..
..with my dcs at risk in the back

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

LiffeyAnnaLivia i think our dark fantasy keeps us all going lol
either that or a big two fingured gesture

[ratbunny]

who was it who said on another thread to say 'wanker' constantly in your head when they talk to you?
pmsl. totally helps

[ratbunny]

it was fuzzywuzzy on [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/673709-my-ex-is-a-complete-w-ker this]] thread. great advice!

[ratbunny]

oops. let me try again...
it was fuzzywuzzy on this thread. great advice!

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

LMAO!!
ooh yes will do and lots of other words too lol!!
Whats happening with you and your men ratbunny btw?

[ratbunny]

haha love the men
well, I accept that tasty bloke was a regrettebly failed one night stand, and there is no point in dewlling on it.
I will arrange to meet up with the other guy next weekend. I will tell him lots, but also tell him I dont want to complicate things. He def wants a relationship, but I am not ready for one.
might ask if he wants some sex tho.
bloody hell I am like a fucking frustrated rabbit at the mo!

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

haha grrr
yeah i'm seriously in need too!!
saw my BF the other nite and despite his working me up into a right old frenzied state during the previous few days he was knackered and i was left still er wanting lol!!
still thinking about the other guy and the hot sex but trying to be strong and not get in my car drive round and jump him right now lol!!