Do you ever feel sad that your not a "propper" family?

[spookycharlotte121]

It upsets me that me, exp and the dc's will never be a complete family. I see other people as a whole family unit and know we will never have that. Although I still love exp I would never return to him becuase he will never change and he behaviour is not something I can live with but it doesnt stop me feeling sad.
Were never going to be normal.... the weekends are focused around the kids being handed over to their dad and thats the way its going to be forever. It feels so unfair. When I was a child I always thought I would be so happy with lots of children a nice house and a dog, there was this golden glow about my day dreams.... our life is far from that. Mostly I feel sorry for the dcs that they have to be seperated from one parent in order to see the other. it sucks.... Im going to bed. I just needed a little moan before bed. hopefully i will wake up in a better mood.

[skramble]

It does suck I know, I hate handing kids over I don't want them to have a double life.

I try to create my own golden glow and memories with my children, silly little things like going to the beach at 10pm in the dark to watch the sand swirling in the winds or eating takaways in the van between their actvities or cuddling up on the setee three of us under a duvet eating popcoen watching cartoons. Things I hope they remember with a smile whe they grow up.

Remember when you see these perfect 2 parent families they have probably been bitching at each other all morning and will go home and sit at opposite ends of the tv ignoring each other while they watch CSI or she wil be on here moaning about her not so dearH.

[mrsmortenharket]

it is a bit crap, it's easy for me to think that "proper families" are just an invention of the media and make the rest of us feel inadequate (sp?) if we don't measure up in some way. fwiw, i think that there are so many different fmaily shapes now that you are a family with your dc, just a different shape one to the one that you thought you would have and although it does take some getting used to, you will be fine.

(fwiw, i always thought that when i was 18, i would be engaged, move out when i got married at about 21, have six kids before i was 35 and guess what? it hasn't happened. i had mc when i was 19 (after having map), my mom was catholic and my dad was protestant tho more rc than mom, i left home 6motnhs later. am now lp with one beautiful dd aged 3.5.

life has a funny way of working out sometimes xxx

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi spookyCharlotte, My parents were divorced when I was 2. I don't really remember anything about it, but my Mum re married a wonderful man who I still call Dad. He has given me a fantastic childhood and we have so many happy memories. My Mum had a baby boy with him, and he's never treated us any different.
I hardly ever see my real Dad, and we're not close at all really.
It just goes to show that if my Mum hadn't divorced, I'd never even know my Step Dad.
I believe life has a way of working out for the best. I hope it helps to see it from another point of view.

[citronella]

Sorry if I sound harsh SpookyCharlotte, but what is a proper family anyway?

I think you need to change your mindset because if you continue believing that your (reduced)family unit is not good enough your dc will eventually pick up on that.
If you and your ex (together or separately) can nurture your children, give them love, support, food and clothes then you are doing good job. They have 'proper' family then as opposed to a 'proper' family.

It's difficult because after a split you almost mourn the dreams you had of raising a family together and living happily ever after (corny as it sounds). Try not to dwell on it and focus on making how things are now as positive as you can.

[ForeverOptimistic]

You are a "proper family". My parents split up when I was young and I had a step dad, we also had a very large extended family my sister was divorced with two children and spent a lot of time with us. I vividly recall thinking to myself that I was glad that my family was the way it was and I felt sorry for those in more traditional nuclear families. You love your children and you are doing your best for them I am sure they will look back over their childhoods with happy memories too.

[IllegallyBrunette]

All the time. This just isn't the life I wanted my kids to have.

I know that dd2 in particular really misses being part of a two parent family. She wishes our family was like her best friends, and I don't blame her. I had the exact same wish when my parents seperated.

[MascaraOHara]

yes but for dd's sake not mine.. I'd like a man from a grown ups point of view

but dd sometimes gets upset she hasn't got a dad when all her friends have

That's life though. can't change it so just make he best of it

[mojoawol]

I went on holiday earlier this year with friends (2 parents 3 kids) and me and DS and had several moments of 'aw, they have such fun as a family together'. But then they'd all start yelling at each other, parents slagging each other off to me behind the other one's back, kids fighting etc.
I'd also like a hubbie and maybe another dc, but I'd also like a haircut that stays looking good the day after the cut, a million quid in the bank and certainty over DS's future, but its not going to happen. Everyone does the 'grass is greener' thing at some point, best thing is to just not! Appreciate what you have got and (at risk of sounding harsh) - get on with it!

[oldraver]

Have to say ..nah dont think like this, I'm a proper family just me and my sons. When I first became a single mum my 13 year old said.. Mum we're just like everyone else in my school now as there was only two other couple sin his class that were still together.

I recently saw a guy with three kids in a toy shop rather exasperatedly helping his kids choose a present. After much discussion and sighing he said "you cant just buy the first thing to get out the shop, like I do with Mum. I must of been laughing too much and he told the kids.. "See thats lady is laughing and agrees with me"

I did enjoy saying "no this lady is glad she doesnt have anyone to moan and can shop for as long as she likes"

As someone said you need to change your mindset, and be positive about your situation

[LittleBella]

No, no, no.

I used to think wistfully about how nice it would have been to be a "proper" family but then I reminded myself that with my xp, we would never have been a proper family anyway. We would always have been a dysfunctional, unhappy, emotionally abusive family. That's why I split with him - so that I could bring up my DC's in a proper happy family. And that's what I'm doing. I no longer need to remind myself about it anymore, I take it for granted now.

How long have you been alone SC121? I think for the first couple of years you're more vulnerable to the cereal golden glow dreams, but as you get more confident and more competent as a lone parent, you recognise that what you are giving your children as a lone parent, is about a million times better than what you would have given them if you'd stayed with their father in a dysfunctional relationship. At least that's how I feel - I think you might feel regrets if there was any chance of you "fixing" the relationship, but in my case I know there was never a chance of that, so that doubt isn't there.

I also know that some of the children growing up in "proper" families in my neighbourhood are growing up in deeply dysfunctional, unhappy homes and boy are my kids lucky in comparison, proper family or not. I have no doubt whatsoever that I'm giving my DC's a better start emotionally and psychologically, than some of the kids who are being role modelled absolutely appalling relationships in their proper families. Call me smug.

[mysterymoniker]

nooooo

we are a lovely family, I will never remarry or cohabit ever again - despite being in long term relationship (11 years now!)

I look at all the whingeing about husbands on here and think 'thank fook . . . '

[ShyBaby]

Wrote a long post and it was crap.

So all i'll say is that I feel the same.

[Fiona365]

I sometimes definitely feel the same.

Sometimes it just looks like it'd be good to be in a 2-parent family. And it doesn't help when nursery tells the kids that their mummies and daddies can come to the Christmas play, so DS cries when I tell him daddy won't be able to come, and so I feel guilty we aren't together, but before this turns into long rant.... I think it cuts both ways.

You are a family - your own family, and that's what I tell DS, that he and I are our own family, and that's more precious than anything else you can have.

Stay strong

[ANTagony]

I know where you're coming from and I feel it. But this is from an adults sense of perspective. For kids, especially tiny ones, its perfectly normal because its what they know so they're not missing anything because what is is if you see what I mean. Don't beat yourself up over it.

There are a few SP advantages like not having to check every decision with someone else, setting rules and them being stuck to. Not being constantly undermined when Daddy gets home, being able to change plans because it suits you.

I know theres lots of disadvantages but that snapshot image of the perfect family isn't real. The perfect child in the supermarket one day, when yours is playing up, is the one screaming for an ice cream when yours is all smiles the next.

Sleeps an amazing thing for making the world a better place when you can get it!

[Actually]

Hi I'm new here, so hello to everyone.

I was reading this forum and this post really stuck a chord with me.

I feel really sad for my children and for me at the moment.
I became a lone parent when my ds1 was only 3 months old due to Xpartner going completely off the rails and not being able to handle the responsibility of having a baby. That actually was ok, I did feel sad but ds1 and I had a fabulous time and I never knew what having a child and being with the other parent was like. Then I met Xpartner 2 and we have a 5 yr old child.

We were together 7.5 yrs and split up in May due to him lying about his debts and then going on to have an affair, so I left him.

I can't believe I'm back where I started but this time with 2 children and I really miss being part of a family where we were all together.

I know the problem was Xpartner's and not mine but I can't help feeling that I've messed my children up

[spookycharlotte121]

Citronella hit the nail on the head "It's difficult because after a split you almost mourn the dreams you had of raising a family together and living happily ever after"

Thats exactly how I feel. I left my ex in feb and I feel some guilt too because ds gets so upset when he comes home from his dads. He doesnt want to say bye bye to him.

My relationship with my ex was awful, abusive and would never have worked out and I am glad the kids are not being subjected to his weird controling ways every waking hour, but I still cant help feeling guilty that it is my fault their dad isnt there to tuck them up in bed at night or read them a story.

I grew up without my dad although mine died so it was sort of out of our hands. But it was really tough. I just never ever wanted my kids to have that sort of crap and I thought a stable home life was something that I could ensure for them, but it fell to pieces. I spose I feel like i have sort of failed them. I hope oneday I will meet someone who can love them like their his but at the moment i find the whole idea hard to get my head round.

[citronella]

I could have written your last post spooky. I am sorry your ds feels so upset but please try not to feel guilty and remember how much unhappier and hopeless you would have felt if you had stayed.

[Ivykaty44]

I am part of a family, it might not be your ideal of a family but to me it is my family and I shall make the most of the family I have. I feel sad though that others don't see me as "proper" - never reaslied that is what people thought of me and my family before

[LittleBella]

"I still cant help feeling guilty that it is my fault their dad isnt there to tuck them up in bed at night or read them a story."

But it's not your fault. Your xp chose to behave in a way that made it impossible for you to live with him. And you say he was abusive and controlling, so in fact you have done your DC's a favour by refusing to bring them up in a family where abuse and control are the norm. You can choose to show them a different model of human behaviour, so that when they grow up, they have a better chance of finding a respectful, loving, decent relationship, not fall into an abusive controlling one because that's what they're used to.

I think because all the publicity about lone parents is so very negative, it's very easy for us to feel that we've failed our children. I felt that in the first couple of years of being a lone parent. But as I've had more insight into my and their father's behaviour, I've realised that by choosing to do it without him, I've done them the most enormous favour I could have done - I've broken the cycle of abuse and unhappiness which my family and my xp's family were stuck in. My DC's have a fighting chance of forming loving, decent, normal relationships in the future. And that's because they're the product of a lone parent family, not the product of the dysfunctional two parent family we would have been. I feel very proud of my achievement, pathetic though that may sound to people who grew up in normal happy families. I hope you'll be able to feel that pride some day as well SpookyC.

[mogs0]

In the 6 years since ds was born I have never felt we were an improper family because ds' dad doesn't live in our home. I feel incredibly fortunate to have my lovely family and friends around me. The grass certainly isn't always greener.

[mylittlemousie]

There is a lot to be said about this being a valid and important stage of grieving.

But honestly, there is a stage of feeling like you are a proper family. And making it so. All the things you feel you can't do - why not? We do holidays, roast dinners and Sunday afternoons in the park. It's just me and DD. And why not? Your time to feel like this will come, if you work towards it, I promise.

[spookycharlotte121]

I hope that I havnt offended anyone by my "propper family" comment. I dont mean it like people who are on their own with their kids are worth any less than those with 2 parents. I just do find it hard on my own and never imagined things to be this way. I spose i just need to adjust my way of thinking from I thought things would be like to how they really are.
I just kinda of feel sad that my kids are never going to live under the same roof as their mum and dad. And to some extent im jealous of people who have a mother and father unit. Not because I think theyre better but beacuse as a lone parent I have to be a dad as well as a mum. When I make a decision its on my sholders if it goes wrong. When theres a problem I have to deal with it myself, when the kids are ill its me that has to stay up night after night giving cuddles and calpol. Sometime the emotional and physical strain is too much to bear. Its tough. I hope my kids understand when they are older why I left their dad. I know he will make out that it is my fault but hopefully they will be able to see his true colours. Once again Im sorry if i offended anyone. That wasnt my intention.

[ELOB]

i totally sympathise with you. my husband and i split up in nov and i spent many years trying to keep the marriage together for the sake of our 3 young children. unfortunately it takes more than 1 person to make a relationship work and ironically it was because of the children that i ended it. i was not from a broken family and never in a million years thought id ever go through such myself when i had children. although i dont regret my decision i still feel anger that someone elses behaviour has caused my 3 children to live in a single parent family although they do see their dad several times a week with plenty sleep overs and are always together and have each other when im not there. they have indeed handled it very well, thanks to me i have to say. ubfortunately, because i have kept things fairly amicable and there is no obvious conflict to our children and having arranged to spend christmas togther etc i think it has caused a little confusion. i viewed their dads house with them prior to him moving in and his first nights in there were spent with the children. we very much made it all look like a joint decision. i have read books on divorce etc and chatted several times to my children about it but just recently my eldest who is 6 has started asking why i never stay at daddies because he does have a spare bed or why cant we arrange another surprise party for daddies next birthday - you dont have to argue because it is a party! im not saying we should have done things differently because without a doubt id rather these questions were asked where by i can answer them rather than the children witnessing conflict etc. now i just need to remind them exact;ly what splitting up means and i think that although my daughter does understand us living in separate houses etc, she isn't quite mature enough to understand the fuler picture and its at those moments i feel sad because it reminds me that she is not part of the family she once was and because she is so young and the other 2 are even younger, they will never really know what it is like to be part of a 'normal' family. id have done anything and if i could wave a magic wand to change my husband id do it now because its what i want more than anything else in the world. i totally agree with how you are feeling and i dont know if it ever goes away.

[oldraver]

SC121

I dont think you would of offended anyone with your comment its just that you are in a different state of mind from others

I have read a few comments about feeling guilty about not providing the requisite two parent family etc and I can understand that and that is probably the stage your at, at the moment. I have to say that I dont feel like that now (I did fleetingly) as my husband died so after a lot of rationalising came to the conclusion that there was no place in my life for guilt... I wasnt responsible for this, it wasn't my fault so any small amount of guilt was shown the back door. Its a case of this is my/our life and we will live it best we can

Eventually you will be so totally sure that you did the right thing for yourself and your dc's and that your life is so much better than what it would of been that there will be no room for doubt and you will definitely realise that you are a proper family.. different but 'proper'

PS have to say I did have a few guilty moments as I cant really afford to help my older DS through Uni... but he has told me with his excellence scholorship and his 'paupers' (our word for it) one he is doing very well thank-you better tha he would of thought........pah

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

I don't regret being a single mum from my pov
but obviously there was the impact on the children..
and yes i did feel bitter and did mourn the fact that i was no longer married and felt that he had robbed me of this'status' for want of a better word as I had come from a 2 parent and still married background
But hey what kind of message/example would i be giving to my children about love and relationships if i had stayed married?
to my dd that its ok to be treated like a doormat?
to my dss that it's ok to treat women like shit