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those of you with no support - how the hell do you do it??? HOW!!!???

(52 Posts)
SpandexIsMyEnemy Sun 10-Aug-08 10:30:03

my folks (and usual support) are away this week,

Xh hasn't seen DS for er, 3 weeks now. nan's around for support yes within reason (can't leave him)

DS isn't sleeping v well again, my house is a tip washing out of my ears.

so seriously how the hell do you cope??? how?? (i'm even having to cook 7 meals a week for us as opposed to my usual 4!) - incl a sunday roast! and ther'es only 2 of us!

respect to any LP who does it literally with no support networks/help.

IllegallyBrunette Sun 10-Aug-08 10:34:47

I seriously do not know how people with on support do it at all.

I do have support and I am still struglling loads at the mo.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Sun 10-Aug-08 10:36:22

quite IB - we swim more than sink usually but right now all I can say is thank god when fri comes and XH has ds to give me a break- I think that's the worst bit - not having a break at all!

gillybean2 Sun 10-Aug-08 12:21:58

I have no support, only a couple of friends who will occassionally have ds for me.

It's really tough. I wish I could just have a couple of hours to myself once a week or so. Only real break I get is when he goes to scout camp for a weekend (twice a year), and even then I usually go along for some of the time to help out!

House is dire, social life is non existant, only time I get to go to cinema or similar is with ds unless I can get friend to babysit and then I have no-one to go places with if she's babysitting...

He has to come everywhere with me and I rush to and from work between school drop offs. Outside activities I am involved with all revolve around ds (eg I run an after school club). Never go to work social events as no babysitter and can't afford one!

Really gets me down sometimes, especially when I'm tired or not well and I have no-one I can call on for help. Have been doing this for 9.5 years now, it's pretty soul destroying to have no social life and no chance of one and a house where you literally have to step over stuff to get in the door and piles of washing everywhere. The stress of rushing around and knowing if I don't do it no one else will is awful too. Being 10 mins late collecting him from school and putting my foot down but knowing I shouldn't because if I had an accident what would happen then!?

Mn is my only escape to a bit of sanity.

Sheila Sun 10-Aug-08 13:48:24

gillybean I can really empathise with you!

I have no family nearby and XP only has DS for the day on Saturdays now and then. Life is easier now DS is 8 and I enjoy being with him, but find it gets lonelier somhow as he needs me less but I still have to go everywhere with him.

When I do get some time off I never know what to do with myself.

Feel guilty for moaning because I wouldn't be without DS - just wish I had someone to share him with.

solo Sun 10-Aug-08 13:54:57

Same here gillybean2(you sound like me and my house). Crap isn't it.

deanychip Sun 10-Aug-08 14:06:09

we only have each other, dh and me.

we take it in turns indirectly. we only have the one and i work part time, which is my break tbh.

got family, but no one interested so we are alone.

Judy1234 Sun 10-Aug-08 14:29:53

My parents are dead, my siblings live away, my children's father only ever sees two of them and then only 2 hours at a time. I work full time and keep us all. How do I cope? It gets easier as children get older, much easier.

I don't know what helps. Getting enough sleep helps, having a nap when you can as that makes everything else seem easier. Going to bed early has the same effect, getting up before the children to get things done in the house whilst you aren't interrupted. Keeping on top of things - always keeping the place tidy, never going upstairs without putting things away, putting washing away right away. My sister who is on her own with her twins (100% alone as she had them by sperm donor) was showing me her washing this week and she has loads to put away.... and the difference there is our washer goes on every day and hers only once a week I think (oh and she washes their clothes about 5 x as much as I do - we all reuse clothes except underwear for a few days or until dirty - she and her children change every day).

mylittlepudding Sun 10-Aug-08 17:49:56

It's a struggle. I don't have local family, my only childcare is paid childcare. I think I need to maybe prioritise getting a babysitter occasionally so I can go for a swim or something. I try and find little things I can do for me - a new book to read when I can't sleep, an occasional chocolate pudding.

Fortunately I love my job. Mostly. And I have learnt to lived with clutter as long as it's fairly clean.

LittleBella Sun 10-Aug-08 17:52:34

By working part time. grin

CvQ Sun 10-Aug-08 17:55:36

i often ask myself this question.for me its just a case of getting through each day the best we can.

piratecat Sun 10-Aug-08 18:03:38

hi,

I have a coulpe of friends who i could count on if it was a worse case scenario, and I was desp to go somewhere for an appointment.

Other than that it's just me and dd. I don't get a break.

My friends would prob have my dd more for me, but I don't like to ask, and tbh I like being with dd. Yet there are times when all i want to do is walk out and shut the door on dd. I get realy tired, and down. My mum is abroad, dad isn't 'that' sort of grandad, not the type who wants to spend any time. Ihave a siter here, but she has never done anything for me or dd either.

I am pretty self sufficient tho, and am ok about it, it's their choice. Yet becuase dd's dad doesn't bother either I feel sad for her more. Dd hasn't been away from me overnight, out of this house for 10 months.!!

greenandpleasant Sun 10-Aug-08 18:06:48

Life in my household is a bit like a rollercoaster. It's either a calm but fun oasis of chores being done together (sort of, ds only 15mo), having lovely playtimes, mealtimes, decent sleep etc etc... this happens when I have worked my arse off to get everything running properly, remembered all the shopping etc etc.

OR it is a disaster. Like today. Just didn't seem to have anything decent in to eat after a day out in the park seeing relatives from a distant land. Travelling back across London on the underground with stroppy toddler who had - rightly - had enough of being in his pushchair nearly broke me this afternoon. Felt utterly alone, exhausted and useless. And it is because when I have had a bit of time off I have put my feet up rather than keeping on top of things and being super-organised. And didn't get enough sleep last night, because -shocka!- I actually WENT OUT WITH FRIENDS.

I have some support, I have parents who come and help, though getting on a bit and dad seems to require as much looking after as ds, ds goes to a childminder one day a week and I have a babysitting service, though the cost of that makes nights out a big thing.

So in conclusion, if I'm not going to have a nervous breakdown I have to spend no time on myself and all of it on the household management ... at which point I may collapse from exhaustion! But if I spend time on me everything falls apart round my ears!

Sorry this is long but soooo nice to offload in a place where people understand.

beansmum Sun 10-Aug-08 18:14:11

I don't find it a struggle at all. I don't work, which probably makes it easier, and i don't worry if my house is a tip (although it isn't usually too bad), I don't have too many things to juggle. I don't think the practical stuff is hard at all, loads of mums with partners do everything themselves anyway. I do sometimes wish I had someone to chat to in the evenings though, not a partner (although that would be nice!), just a friend I could call and moan to. I have no friends really but it doesn't bother me. My parents are great but both work full time and live too far away to help unless I book them months in advance. I'm pretty happy actually, I love having plenty of time for ds and so far I haven't had any problems that I couldn't cope with.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things stay this way, I'm moving to NZ in jan and will really have nobody for support, I wont even be able to phone my mum when I feel like it, she'll probably be asleep!

CuckooClockWorkOrange Sun 10-Aug-08 18:38:23

I find it easier with no support (obviously no support that is) than when I was with xp, and he challenged and criticised and undermined everything. It was like cycling up hill all the time. Now I just get on with it, I know what I need to do, I do it, it's done. Some days are hard, but I'm not getting resentful about doing more than my share or anything like that.

muggglewump Sun 10-Aug-08 18:48:10

I don't find that part of it tough really. I've always been on my own with no support so I'm used to it.
I do sometimes wish I had the choice to go out if I wanted but I think that's because I don't, I bet if I did I wouldn't take it.
The housework I manage fine, but at the same time if I can't be bothered I leave it, it can get done the next day.
I love cooking so that's not a chore but there's always something in the freezer if I'm knackered.
DD is almost 7 now anyway and helps with everything she can. I tell her we're a team and we have to work together

spicemonster Sun 10-Aug-08 18:58:02

My mum comes up and looks after my DS one day a week (she doesn't live nearby). Other than that, we're on our own and we do okay. I'm used to it - not having had anyone ever to help out it doesn't seem weird or unduly hard not having anyone around to rely on. The only time I did struggle really badly was when he was in hospital and I had to decide whether he should have a feeding tube and oxygen etc and that was really hard. Was the first time I'd ever felt the huge weight of responsibility for someone else's life. In some senses though, I'm glad I got that over with when he was still very young (9 months) as I'm sure that won't be the last time.

I am thinking about trying to find a babysitter so that I can go out occasionally as it would be great to have some time to myself. I work too so although that's not exactly free time, it does give me a break from being mummy.

retiredgoth Sun 10-Aug-08 19:07:32

....it's a matter of having to!

Not quite without support, but very little. No spouse or in-laws (dead), an elderly mother who is gravely ill, and two helpful, but distant sisters. They come to look after my four urchins on alternate weekends in termtime, so that I can work. They live many hundreds of miles away, however, so can't be called upon "ad-hoc". One friend will have my younger urchins for a few hours occasionally (has done so twice this weekend, which helps).

But that is it.

I used to worry about keeping the house pristine (in order to prove to myself that I could cope) but have long given that up, so a state of semi-chaos is normal here at Goth Towers. I have developed a Darwinian laundry policy. Any garment unable to survive being washed all together and then roasted mercilessly in the tumble dryer is plainly unfit to survive in this environment.....

I have purchased an electrical garment flattener (I think it is called an "iron") from CHAVSDA for the princely sum of £4.99. Sadly I have been unable to locate the instructions.

....some days it can seem a little overwhelming. Particularly in the holidays when the urchins fight and scream constantly!

But it is ok. I am grateful for the aid I receive (work would be even more limited otherwise) and we are, for the most part, happy folks here at Goth Towers.

mehdismummy Sun 10-Aug-08 19:09:58

i find it hard but have always really been on my own, i am however happier now i have left h. it gets tough in the refuge but always a friendly ear about to cheer me up!!

allgonebellyup Sun 10-Aug-08 19:23:48

i have my sister in the same town, and my mum who helps with childcare, and quite a few friends.
So i count myself as lucky really.

i work 3 days a week, maybe 4 soon, and im also doing 2 Open Uni courses at the same time as well as a GCSE!

LittleDorrit Sun 10-Aug-08 21:24:46

I have no one. I work, but when I am not at work I am responsible for my toddler DD for 100% of the time. I do have a caring family, etc. but no one anywhere near where I live. I manage, and try not to feel sorry for myself, but I often feel that no one understands or cares how difficult it is. Even something simple like going to have my hair cut is a drama for me !!

myhandle Mon 11-Aug-08 00:03:47

This is a huge issue of mine, zilch support, only me dealing with it all and guess what its been the biggest learning curve I have ever had, I now know that no matter what, I can do anything, I have also changed enormously, always been the one to smile no matter what and slowly seeth inside, not healthy at all, now I let rip to all and sundry in a polite way and also non polite way if warranted, I like me a lot now ha ha.

It is the toughest thing I have ever done, had 2 major break ups in my time and left to hold the can both times with bollix men for ex's, gotta take some of the blame for choosing and loving crap men.

My life now is revolved around my two teens, one has special needs compounded with severe mental health problems, I see no one, go no where and fight tooth and nail to get help so I can get a break, since 16th July 06, I have not had a break away from this and was going slowly insane, thats when I found my mouth and became our biggest advocate, got jack so far but getting there.

We have lived on next to nothing, gone without heat all winter long but we survived, my kids do not see their father, his choice as he is a coward and believes he is punishing me, he is the one with all the qualifications yet I am the one with the brain, funny that, he is the one who has abandoned his only flesh and blood yet calls me bitter and twisted!! I loved that statement, my reply was I am only bitter to his twisted as he is ongoing with his cruelty, he is pathetic.

I used to have it all, the working life, the social life, the sex life, I now have non of that but I feel my time will come and I am still the same woman who loves life and wants a laugh.

For all who has support, cherish it and make the most of it as we all need it now and again, for those like me who do not have anyone for whatever reason, reach out and ask for it, as the saying goes, no man or woman is an island and I am a crap swimmer.

xxx

solo Mon 11-Aug-08 12:07:58

I think you get fairly used to struggling on your own really. What p's me off though is a)Most of my long standing friends children are all grown up now, but when they were little and I was childless(through not being able to have them), I always babysat for them to enable them to go out. They, however never offer to babysit for me even when they must realise through conversations that I could really use one... hmm and b)I get zilch notice from 'the girls' that I've met since Dd's birth about a night out and they with their husbands/partners etc, just don't understand the difficulty that a single parent might have in leaving their two Dc's for an evening out when they have no babysitter. Not to mention finding the money at such short notice to go if you can get a babysitter.

LittleDorrit Mon 11-Aug-08 21:56:51

Solo - I can relate to how you feel. I don't know many people in London but there are a few people I am reasonably close to. It just occurred to me recently that no one has ever really offered to help me in any way, and that makes me a bit sad. I am really not expecting much, but I suddenly realised that it would be so nice if someone offered to look after DD for even 2 or 3 hours just to give me a break. People say things like "it must be hard for you" but no one ever thinks to offer any help.

possiblymaybe Mon 11-Aug-08 22:21:31

I'm in London on my own. Left abusive ex 2 months ago.All of my family is in another country (2.5 hours on a plane away). I have 15 m dd and going back to work in sep (and dreading it).
Going back to my country is not an option as dd's father is english and i'd like her to know him(and he won't let me go anyway)

The friends I have here also keep telling me how hard it must be...but no one volunteer to look after dd for couple of hours..
I don't go anywhere apart from park, playgroup etc and don't do anything that doesn't involve dd..don't have money anyway..
But it would be nice if some one asked if I want to go out/have a cofee/go clothes shopping etc..
I feel really desilusioned about so called friendship...

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