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Ex moving away

37 replies

putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 16:21

My dcs' dad is moving away, to somewhere 3 hours away on a good day, up to 5 or 6 depending on holiday traffic, weather, roadworks etc. He wants to still collect our 6 and 8 year olds on Friday after school and bring them back on Sunday for 6pm. He also wants to change Christmas arrangements to having them for a whole week, rather than one parent have Xmas Day and the other have Boxing Day. He currently has 3 weekends out of 4 and I've always been very cooperative, but I'm not happy with this as it's such a long journey. He says he has parental responsibility and noone can stop him from collecting the children from school and taking them. We only have an informal arrangement, which my solicitor outlined in a letter 2 years ago. No court order. Are his requests reasonable?

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helpmum2003 · 10/09/2019 16:26

I wouldn't want my kids to do a huge journey like that 3 times a month. (Preferably as little as possible). Maybe ask your solicitor if you could go to 2 weekends each. I suspect as your DC get older they won't want to go....
Re: Christmas maybe go for 4 days each place I stead of 7. Why is he moving?

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 16:30

He has been working away for over a year and met someone else

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Starlight456 · 10/09/2019 16:31

I would say no . 3/4 weekends transporting that distance is him already changing the goal posts .

I would offer eow . Maybe offer to increase times over school holidays.

I would get legal advice though

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 16:34

I'm not in favour of it tbh because I think they're going to very tired for school the next day and it also means they can't go to friends' birthday parties or playdates or things they do with Beavers.... It's really going to impact them

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Raphael34 · 10/09/2019 16:39

Definitely not. This isn’t fair on the children. Weekends are for relaxing and having fun. Travelling 3 hours after school on the Friday is neither. They’ll likely be exhausted Saturday. And they’ve got to make the journey again on the Sunday. I’d change to eow and offer to discuss holidays that would suit the both of you (and that the children would be happy with).

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Doyoumind · 10/09/2019 16:39

Honestly, I would get it sorted in court, if mediation won't work for you. I say that as someone who has been to court several times (abusive ex) and was terrified of the thought beforehand. Things are much easier with a CAO.

If you requested a reduction to EOW that would possibly be granted, if it suited you. You could likely argue your case regarding Chrismtas too. A week away over Christmas for youngish children is a lot imho. You could suggest 2 days max.

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Doyoumind · 10/09/2019 16:41

Clearly, your ex is acting in his own best interests, not the DC's by moving away so that's the angle I would go for.

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bluebell34567 · 10/09/2019 16:42

not fair on children, they will have to spend all that long time on the way and back.

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 16:44

I don't have the money to go to court at the moment and he's someone who refused mediation over finances and always gets what he wants. He beat me down over the financial settlement by withholding maintenance. Sounds like I need a solicitor though, at least until the children are old enough to vote with their feet.

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Doyoumind · 10/09/2019 17:02

Although it might seem scary, you don't need a solicitor. It costs £215 to apply to court and needn't cost a penny more. It's something you could do with advice and support on here from people like me who have been through it.

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 17:21

Oh thank you @Doyoumind - I genuinely had no idea that could be done! And yes it is scary so support is very much appreciated!

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smartiecake · 10/09/2019 17:26

Yes just pay the court fee direct. My sister did this and her ex did not get what he wanted, the court decided what was in the best interest of their child. Cafcass got involved a wrote their recommendations.
You don't need a solicitor

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amylou8 · 10/09/2019 17:40

I would not be happy with the DCs spending so much of their weekends traveling. Also if ex is doing all the driving, that's a minimum of 6 hours behind the wheel, too long to be safe especially with kids in the car. Would ex be able to stay locally one weekend a month, travel back with the DCs one weekend a month, and then have a 50/50 split in the holidays?

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readitandwept · 10/09/2019 18:34

means they can't go to friends' birthday parties or playdates or things they do with Beavers.... It's really going to impact them

So true and would piss me off no end. Ensuring they maintain a social lives is far more important than them accommodating his love life!

Get the self absorbed twat to court.

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NorthEndGal · 10/09/2019 18:37

I wouldnt have an issue with the amount of time, if it wasnt on the road.
That much increased travel time really increases the odds they will get caught in traffic jams, fender benders, etc

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Sunflowers211 · 10/09/2019 18:52

Refuse and start as you mean to go on. Tell him you are happy for EOW and alternate Christmas/New Year but that is it, and make sure he does not pick your kids up on Fridays from school. If he does not like it he can pay for a CAO himself.

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Notimefor · 10/09/2019 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notimefor · 10/09/2019 19:23

I’m an idiot - ignore this I need to learn how to use mumsnet😂

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 19:35

Thank you everyone, it's good to know I'm not overreacting. And @Notimefor you've done a strong thing and I hope you find a new friendship group that cherish you

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carly2803 · 10/09/2019 19:50

hes being very unreasonable

Do you get on ok to talk about it?

careful he dosent go one way or the other i.e want the kids all the time as "travelling is too much" or it drops off contact wise.

If hes a good dad i hope he keeps up seeing them but travelling that far is rediculous

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putastrawunderbaby · 10/09/2019 19:53

If he wanted them all the time they'd have to change schools - surely that wouldn't be allowed? The 8 yr old has autism so that would be a big upheaval. Yes we get on - so long as I do exactly what he wants. He got the financial settlement he wanted by cutting off my child maintenance until I agreed to it. He's very strong.

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Doyoumind · 10/09/2019 20:47

No, changing schools wouldn't be allowed unless there was a really good reason. Everything is based on what's best for your children. If your 8yo would struggle with that amount of travelling it would also strengthen your case.

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Greeni · 10/09/2019 20:49

Having seen another posters thread about her ex effectively kidnapping her child I would withhold contact and get a court order in place ASAP for every other weekend etc

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Ravingstarfish · 10/09/2019 20:50

He got the financial settlement he wanted by cutting off my child maintenance until I agreed to it.

Go through the child maintenance service

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RandomMess · 10/09/2019 20:54

I would be telling him that he could have more school holidays plus one weekend in three - so more like one weekend each school half term and then the bulk of the half term week, a week at Easter, a week at Christmas and 3 weeks of the summer. I would try and make it his weekend for May Bank holiday to give him an extra day.

The DC need to be allowed to have a life at the weekends. Definitely take it to court he is moving far to far away for even EOW.

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