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How do you make friends as an adult?

(47 Posts)
oldtiredlonely Sat 11-May-19 19:32:55

Long story short. Was traded in for a younger thinner prettier model a couple of years ago, subsequently had to move back to my northern home town after almost 13 years living in SE London. (Moved to be with the ex, couldn't afford to live there alone). Been here almost a year now, got a new job, got an ok house and a very small mortgage.

But I'm just so bloody lonely. Got a couple of friends from before but they both have their own lives so see them maybe once every couple of months.

My daughter is away at uni. My son is 13 and a typical teenager in that he spends very little time with me.

I was hoping to make friends through the job, and though everyone is lovely, no natural 'friendships' have developed and I'm not one to try to force it.

I spend every night sat in the house bored out of my mind. I'm bored and very lonely. How do I make friends?

OP’s posts: |
Aimily Sat 11-May-19 19:37:19

Do you have any hobbies or interests? Have a look on Facebook for local groups.
Also go down the local pub and see if there is anyone there you would like to be friends with?

Nodramanollama Sat 11-May-19 19:37:31

I also would like to know too. I find it really hard.

8FencingWire Sat 11-May-19 19:43:12

It’s Saturday night, gorgeous evening here. I thought I’ll be home with DD (teenager) but she’s gone for a last minute sleepover.
Evenings like this annoy me. I could have done something, rather than be at home ironing in front of TV ffs.

OP, I joined a book club, I know that at least once a month I go see people and talk to them.

I don’t know. I’m going to dust and hoover now, then do the ironing 🙄

oldtiredlonely Sat 11-May-19 20:23:54

No real hobbies. Realised once the ex left that I don't really know who I am anymore. Gone from years of having no time to myself at all to pretty much always being alone, and I don't know how to fill the hours.

Today I've cleaned the oven, walked the dog, and binge watched 6 episodes of killing eve. Now eating pizza and watching John wick 2. Can't even have the bottle of wine out of the fridge because got to pick DS up from cinema at half 10.

Probably for the best I can't have the wine, it would probably make my mood worse.

How do you find a book club? Or anything like that?

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Sat 11-May-19 21:19:15

I started volunteering. Can't say I have made friends although I haven't actually tried too. I just needed to fill my child free time. I go to the community allotment which has some social activities going on also. I also help at the night shelter. Which has enabled me to reflect on my own struggles with a wider perspective.

My children. Are still young. But won't be long before they won't want my company. Not sure what I will do then.

Aimily Sat 11-May-19 22:42:20

@oldtiredlonely try your local library, see if they have any book clubs that use them, the one I'm part of have a yearly subscription so they provide our books most months and we tend to get new members every few months via them.
The Waterstones in the city centre where I live used to have a book club that I was part of, it disbanded when the manager left.
Failing the library and book stores try "town/city name book club" on Facebook search, you'll probably have a couple that use Facebook to arrange meetings crop up.

I hope you find one and it's full of lovely people 😁

8FencingWire Sat 11-May-19 22:45:51

I found mine on meetup. It’s a very relaxed one, l am enjoying it, I met new people and I’m forced to read something I wouldn’t normally choose.

8FencingWire Sat 11-May-19 22:46:39

Hello eve 👋

Pipandmum Sat 11-May-19 22:54:16

You do have to push it with people. After my husband died I moved with two kids 6 and 8 to a new place to start over. I was lucky I could meet people through school, but I still had to go out of my comfort zone and ask people to meet up for coffee. And there was a weekly coffee morning for each year group (if there isn’t one for your child maybe you could start one?). Of course not all friendships took but some did. You really have to take a deep breath and take a risk.
As for book group maybe you could start one with people from work? If a couple people are interested tell them to bring another friend along.

redbedheadd Sat 11-May-19 22:59:16

What about trying some new hobbies? Painting? A yoga class? Book club? I think you can find them on meetup app or is there a Facebook group for your area?

oldtiredlonely Sat 11-May-19 23:11:11

I've been scouring Meetup and Facebook for groups, not much in my area, would be a minimum hours drive to a different city, have joined the one group that's local so I'll see what happens there.

I don't have much confidence and tend to worry people don't like me so putting myself out there would be really hard for me.

Also can't go 'out out' as DS is 13 so can leave for a bit but won't go out late leaving him on his own. It's all a bit shit really.

OP’s posts: |
PollyPelargonium52 Sun 12-May-19 05:43:01

If your child/children are over 12 and responsible you can go out and leave them a few hours. Meetup dot com has many activities you can join. You can also do an evening class/join the health club/join church or a Buddhist group for example. So many things out there you can be doing.

My problem is energy as I am an early riser and by the time it is 6 or 7 pm I am feeling knackered. I therefore can only go out daytimes which mainly only leaves one morning or afternoon a month on meetup and it is this I am working on now.

My ds is 14 so still a bit demanding. Year on year now I intend to socialise more through meetup dot com.

I am also joining a local choir two Wednesday evenings a month in June. Can't wait to sing my heart out!

Why can't you leave your ds at 13 oldtiredlonely? I have done with no issues. I guess it depends if they don't mind or not and if they are responsible/happy with it. Mine is all in favour of it! As long as I leave nice snacks out and it isn't more than 4 hours there is no problem whatsoever. It will continue to improve year on year now and boy I have done my time in a social prison at home I am ready for it by now ...

SinkGirl Sun 12-May-19 06:14:55

This is really hard. We moved back to where I grew up years ago - we met here and had lots of friends but they’ll all gradually moved away for work, as the industry we worked in then has slowly shut down.

The only reason I have friends now is because I had twins and I made friends with a group of other twin mums. It’s been a lifesaver. DH works remotely so he doesn’t even get colleagues to make friends with. It’s really tricky.

Take some night classes, join a craft group (I took up knitting and other things at 30 and it led to a whole different career)

SpringLake Sun 12-May-19 06:18:06

Have you got a local WI?
Each one is unique, and although I chose one with a slightly older demographic, I was warmly welcomed and able to give a little more than others (which has made me some fab friends) and with a little time, has helped the average age reduce quite considerably... to a point now where the group are significantly active in our community... and I meet kind, new people all the time!

YouJustDoYou Sun 12-May-19 06:19:13

I've made plenty of lovely acquaintances, but no friendships. The friendships I do have are from the classes I attended years ago with people who shared the same interests. Is there anywhere in your town that does adult classes for something you might like to learn? My friend is also in the same boat - has joined loads of clubs and does loads of hobbies, has made some good acquaintances, but again no deep friendships. All we can do is just keep going to things, keep going out, that kind of thing I guess.

Zoobedoo Sun 12-May-19 06:45:29

Which northern town are you in op? Have you had a look on Facebook events to see what's happening in your local area? There's sometimes classes, book clubs, hobby events on there.

TabbyStar Sun 12-May-19 06:50:28

I think it is difficult to convert acquaintances to friends. Also difficult in the teen stage when you can't socialise with other parents and bring them along, but you still need to be around for them, as you identify, to pick them up or deal with various "crises" (though that might be more applicable to girls). I also find it difficult as many of my friendships are individual rather than being part of a group - people often socialise in couples and as a lone parent I'm not included - and maintaing lots of separate relationships can be harder work. All the suggestions about putting yourself out there are good, though I sympathise that it can be difficult to leave even a teen on a regular basis, my DD is just 16 and it's probably only in the last year that I've felt okay leaving her for one evening a fortnight to go to my music group. It's also the practicalities of managing to feed her etc. after getting in from work and then getting out again that sometimes defeats me! I don't want her to leave home in one way but in another I'm looking forward to being free of responsibilities and being able to do what I want to of an evening.

FreeFreesia Sun 12-May-19 06:51:00

I think it is hard. Try some new activities & see which you like. I'm another book club person. DH made friends through joining in the village pantomime. He can't act at all but for about five years they paired him up with another guy & they would do a couple of minutes of slapstick. For three months there would be fortnightly rehearsals followed by a drink at the local.

Look up fitmums & friends. They have a reputation as welcoming , all abilities supported & a daytime weekend option.

I think I have made one excellent friend in the last five years. On paper we have very different interests. She is the mother of one of my son's friends & one day it came up we both wanted to see a film so agreed to go together. Now we go roughly once a month to the cinema & once a fortnight for a coffee.

oldtiredlonely Sun 12-May-19 13:50:05

I work full time so DS is on his own for a couple of hours every evening till I get home and several days a week in the school holidays, don't feel it's fair to then leave him regularly on an evening (even though he spends a maximum of an hour or so with me each night before disappearing to his bedroom).

We also have a dog who is on his own all day so when I get home I can't then go straight back out as I need to spend time with him (was a 'family' pet, love him dearly, but he's hard work and very needy and would never have got him had I known I'd end up on my own with him).

I don't know any parents from school, it just doesn't work like that at secondary school. You don't drop them off or pick them up so there's no opportunity to meet people.

I have joined a book club and a social club on meet-up but that is literally all there is in my area. I'm in Hull, everything is in either Leeds, Sheffield or York, which is just too far to travel to. Looked at choirs but there's a joining fee I can't afford. Not religious and can't pretend to be and I couldn't do a fitness thing as I'm too self conscious of the fact I'm the size of a whale. Can't really afford a night class either, not that I know what I would possibly do.

I'll see what happens with the meet up groups I've joined.

Could literally sit and cry I'm so bored. There's really only so much cleaning and watching tv I can do.

OP’s posts: |
JontyDoggle37 Sun 12-May-19 13:54:40

Look up Ladies Circle on Facebook, there’s bound to be one in your area. It’s for women up to 45, specifically to make friends and build your personal network.

Lifeandbeans Sun 12-May-19 13:59:52

I could have written your post oldtiredlonely.

I work mostly from home, one of my children has SEN so was not able to stay alone until much older than other children so after splitting from exh i have just kind of been at home with the children.
I moved to where I lived when I had family alive here, there's no activities or community centre or anything like that.
I moved away from the friends I had when I left exh. Talk to them on FB and that's it.
Pretty lonely here too!

Magmatic80 Sun 12-May-19 14:04:13

WI for sure. 2 hours once a month, but choose a good one and there’ll be offshoot interest groups. Make sure it’s an evening one with a younger demographic (those with social media accounts tend to be this generalising massively Mine has book club, craft group, supper club, walking group, theatre club, cocktail club, local history club, coffee club. Changed my life

TeaForTheWin Sun 12-May-19 14:09:23

Could you start a meetup group? There might be other women in your area feeling the same, like there's nothing around. It's something like 8 quid per month to run if you go with the one capped at 50 members. You could make it a 'coffee get-together group' or something. It might take a while to grow if you live in a quiet area, it might not but the good thing is it gives you the power of who and when to meet once you are up and running.

Mentalray Sun 12-May-19 14:15:24

Similar problem here. LIving in a town with very insular mindset.

Tried classes -- painting, yoga, cookery, but if you push too hard to get to know people they will think you're weird (as they already have their own friends and aren't looking for more). so end up in acquaintance zone forever.

most people seem to join as couples or with friends already in the group as well.

I miss the city as ironically people were more open to new friends there!

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