Amazed at dh's reaction regarding CSA

[Ulysees]

I left dh in March and moved into a rented house with my 2 boys aged 6 and 9.
Dh is going through tax problems and may lose his business, he goes to a tribunal in July to do with this. I didn't leave because of this but lack of affection.
Anyway......Dh is on a good whack. He's already been to the US once this year and is planning 2 trips again watching sport with his friend. So if he does keep his business he's laughing.
We have shared care so he has the boys on average 3 nights a week.
He hasn't given me a regular payment since I left, just some here and there to buy shoes etc...
The CSA have been in contact. Dh apparently told them he has the boys 4 plus nights a week. I told them no it's 3 on average. They said this affects how much he has to pay which I knew. I'm worried this affects child tax but not sure?
So, this is the laugh!! I spoke to dh tonight as dss rang to talk to me, I was out but could still chat. Ended up talking to dh so I casually mentioned CSA had been in touch and did he want to pay direct to me or to them. His response........."What so I have to pay them?" I said no you can pay direct to me if you want? He said "No, I mean I have to pay money to the CSA even though I'm going through all this?" I was so shocked I was dumstruck, which to anyone who knows me will know that's unusual
I just mumbled I'll have to go and ended the call. I still can't believe he thought he could get away scott free? A friend said I'd be better getting the csa to obtain the money as he won't pay. My IS is going to be cut so I'll end up even worse off than I am.
I still can't believe he's turned into this person? But his dad and brother are sneaky with money too. Also dh tried to make out his old boss was responsible for the tax evasion but I have my doubts. I think I've had the wool pulled over my eyes for way too long.

[Ulysees]

I meant dumbstruck

[RnBee]

[jellyjelly]

It can affect tax credits and it can affect child benefit too on how many nights they have the children a yr.

[BidingMyTime]

Ugh! i.e. I am shocked at him.

I'm on a new chat name, not that I posted much before, (discovered X-to-be had been searching on here) and I am amazed at how shaken this behaviour makes me feel.

TBH, I have calculated my budget expecting nothing from my X-to-be - not because he can't afford it but simply being realistic - there are men out there who don't pay. Can you survive without his money? Are you still on good enough terms to eye-ball him and say you know he has enough money to pay X towards his children every month?

Hope you feel less shell-shocked today.

[Ulysees]

thanks for your replies. Well if it affects my tax credits and child support then I'm going to have a hard time of it

Still shocked by his reaction.

[Ulysees]

just been on CSA site and it won't affect my tax credits so this is better news.

[Tortington]

nothing to add but good luck with eerything xxx

[Ulysees]

thanks hun

[Ulysees]

Been on to CSA and they're collecting. She said it won't affect my IS and not to worry. I'm going to see a lone parent advisor once I know the score as may be better to go back to work in the long run?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

If your on income support your allowed to keep £10 a week of the maintenance on top of your income support. If the maintenance is more than the IS payment I think they just pay you the maintenance direct and stop the IS.

I know if the non resident parent has the children overnight it affects the maintenance but not sure by how much.

[Ulysees]

hi, yes I was worried about that, getting over my IS. That will mean my rent won't be paid and I'll have to find a job to fit in with school. I'll probably end up worse off,can just feel it. Makes me sick as he's laughing, for now.
It works out that as he has them 3 nights he pays 4 sevenths of the maintenance.

[Tinkerbel5]

Ulysees do you know how much your ex earns as he will have to pay 20% as maintenace, although he will get a 3/7th reduction, but if its more than your IS you will lose it and unfortunately the other benefits attached to it.

[Pixiefish]

He has them 3 out of 7 nights? I have friends who have divorced and have a week on and week off with the kids and neither pays any maintenance at all to the other. Don't see why they should tbh

[macdoodle]

sorry sounds like shit but if he does have them 3 out of 7 nights then why would you expect him to pay you for the nighst he has them ???

[macdoodle]

see bit odd for me as I was/am main breadwinner and have major care of daughter he has her odd night or 2 every other week or so....legally I could hit him for CSA money and would get some even though I earn a lot more than he does buthe wouldn't get any money off me for his nights - see all a bit odd when you look at the other way....but if ex OW goes to CSA (she doesn't work)the I will too and get share of his money for my 2 bugger her she chased a married man wrecked a marriage got pregnant on purpose and didn't give a flying shit for my DD so bugger her I will make sure my 2 DC get their equal share of DH paltry earnings!

[squidette]

We have 'shared care' which for us, is just a way of saying that we both are equally involved in the 'care' of the children. This means parents evenings, school decisions, who is going to what club, worries and upsets, even what food is currently in favour. It does not mean equally shared time. For us - everyone does this differently.

I am parent with residence and therefore i get maintainance payments from my ex - they spend 2/3 nights a week with him and i have a 3/7th reduction the 20% of his salary.

Ulsysees - are you the parent with residence? If so, he needs to give you maintaince for the children. If you legally share custody, then i believe no maintainance is payable. But i could be really wrong - please check this all with your solicitor.

For what its worth, i havent discussed money with my ex for a very long time - over 2 years now. If i ever did, i know the response would be 'Its always all about money with you, isnt it'...

[squidette]

anniemac, i agree that involving the CSA could actually show that 'shared care' is not achievable. Does that make sense?

We dont have a CSA arrangement, we have a private agreement, it seems to work for us - he makes a monthly payment into my account and we dont discuss it. He buys shoes, coats, toys, clothes if he chooses to do so, but i willingly provide these too. What works for one set of parents is really unique to those people, their history, circumstances and attitutes i think.

[Ulysees]

thanks for all your replies. I had a chat with ex today when he picked the boys up, we're back being amicable Although we were still speaking but it had left me feeling annoyed at his attitued. He knows the CSA had to be involved because of my benefits. I told him that if he'd been giving me a regular payment I'd have just had to pay that back to fund IS and he'd have no doubt been left alone. CSA seem to chase non payers. ex is self employed and apparently they're hot on them.

I don't have any choice but to have the CSA involved do I?

[controlfreaky2]

not if you are on benefits. no choice.

[squidette]

i misunderstood - but i think you are saying that CSA is involved as your benefits require this, not because of non-payment.

I am glad things are amicable again though - its really tough when its not.

[Ulysees]

yes squidette, csa are involved because he didn't pay and because of benefits but if he'd been paying regularly they wouldn't have to contact him. It's confusing really and I'm just getting my head round it now. Or not