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Transgender Dad never took my daughter swimming but really want to ?

(30 Posts)
Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:21:46


I have gave a brief explanation of my situation on a previous post and have received some lovely welcomes smile but in short i am a male to female transexual and a single dad to my daughter. I have been taking female hormones for 3 years which has changed my dramatically but i still live as a man, well i try to which is very hard nowadays. My daughter has never seen me as a woman and nobody else knows what i am doing as in my work and so on.

I have never taken my daughter swimming and she asks me all the time to take her, she goes swimming with her school and loves it and im feeling so much guilt because i cannot take her and would really love to. I feel like im letting her down with this kind of things but a have no idea how its possible for me to do it. Because ive taken female hormones for some time now and had certain procedures done there is no way i can take her and its really getting me down sad does anyone have any ideas on this please ?

Thanks Krissy x

Littlefish Sat 22-Nov-14 21:26:26

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to sympathise that this must be very tricky for you.

How old is your dd? Do you have a plan in mind for the time when you begin to live as a woman? Have you had any thoughts about timescales and how you will introduce the idea to your dd? This may give you an idea of how to manage the whole swimming issue.

gussiegrips Sat 22-Nov-14 21:28:35

No way you can take her because your swimming cossie will raise questions?

How old's your daughter?

I'm inclined to suggest you chat about this with some of the HCPs involved with your care, you'll not be the first mid-transition to be in this boat or rather, pool and so, they'll have lots of sensible advice.

Otherwise, bloody good for you, hope your treatment's all going smoothly...your chin too strokes own perimenopausal witchy stubble sighs

AnotherStitchInTime Sat 22-Nov-14 21:29:38

How about swimming in the sea? The sea is cold enough to make wetsuits advisable for much of the year. Wearing a wet suit might allow you to cover up the changes to your body until you are ready to tell her.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:31:27

Hi Littlefish thanks for replying smile the last 6 months for me have been really hard with some major changes in my appearance which is making it very hard to dress as a man. So i pretty much think the time is almost here when i take the huge jump. It has to be done before the summer so im giving myself 3 months. But its so hard for me, i worry how my daughter will react and if she will feel shes lost her dad ? ive put it off for so long but i cant do it any more. Thanks again smile

Krissy x

Got99problems Sat 22-Nov-14 21:32:11

Can you check out the clothing policy at your local pool? Lots of parents wear rash vests/ swim shorts or even tshirts over their costume so not necessarily as exposing as you think.

sillymillyb Sat 22-Nov-14 21:32:25

I think long term a chat with the people involved with your treatment about how best to broach this with your daughter is important.

On a short term practical level though. Could you wear a swim suit with a t shirt over the top? So I guess it would look like briefs and a t shirt (appropriate for either sex to wear?) most swimming pools have family changing rooms which are gender neutral too.

How old is your daughter?

Littlefish Sat 22-Nov-14 21:36:27

Great idea about the wetsuit Another.

I also agree with gussie that your HCP should be able to give you lots of advice about this. Do you belong to any online fora for transgender parents? There is bound to be someone who is either going through the same thing, or has been through it, who can share ideas with you about swimming/discussing the whole with children/maintaining relationships etc.

Good luck with the next 3 months - I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 21:52:50

Thanks everyone your advice is appreciated. Unfortunately ive gone about my whole transition in the wrong way. I have self medicated with hormones for over 3 years now which i know is bad, it has only been recently that ive been to a gp and they have referred me to a specialist for which i am still waiting for the appointment. So i feel alone with out support. I have been with some transgender support groups but they seem very supportive in general of my situation and yes some of them i spoke to had children none where in the same situation i am, as in i am a single parent bringing my daughter up.

My daughter is 6 almost and she is aware of some of my physical changes, she first started asking questions about a year ago regarding breasts and so on. My reply was that i was on medication and some times men look like women. It was a hard thing to talk about as she does not fully understand yet, to her im just dad. she has seen the huge changes over the past year but never really asked about them. She has never seen me in female clothes or makeup and so on but i am very feminine now and she knows i wear bras and knickers. This Halloween i dressed as a witch to take her trick or treating and thats as far as her seeing me as a female has gone.

I find it so hard and in may ways ignore the situation, this was why i realised i needed to act now and why i have started seeing a professional.

I had considered wearing a swimming costume with shorts and a t- shirt but i cannot pull it off, i have a large bust, i have had a huge growth spurt the past 6 months or so and its made life very hard for me. I guess i might have to wait till i come out to my daughter and take her as a woman ?

Thank you all for your support and time, its really good to actually talk to people about this, thank you.

Krissy x

Littlefish Sat 22-Nov-14 22:03:06

I haven't read any of these articles, but might they be useful in helping you talk to your dd?

Also, I'm sure there must be books available on Amazon which could help you.

VashtaNerada Sat 22-Nov-14 22:12:40

No direct advice on the swimming but I have a 6yo DD too and I think she'd be okay with something like this. She'd have loads of questions, yes, but in a non-judgemental way. I hope it all goes well for you, must be a really stressful time.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:22:24

Hi littlefish, i have read some these articles before, they are helpful so thank you for looking for me smile i have read a lot of literature on the subject, but i still keep putting it off. I think deep down i feel guilt about me ex and my dd mum leaving us, it was not my fault or my dds but i just want her to feel safe and secure, and i worry how this kind of change will effect her.I will admit i worry how others will treat me also, i worry about abuse and putting my daughter through that in school when her friends find out ? she has already been teased about me having breasts and looking like a woman, and shes only 5 nearly 6 ? i feel it will only get worse as she grows up and i come out.

Thanks Vashtanerada, i hope my dd will understand i really do, it is very stressful at the moment and i just hope it gets easier soon i really do. Thanks again smile

Krissy x

Littlefish Sat 22-Nov-14 22:30:13

When you feel comfortable with it, could you go and talk to the headteacher or class teacher at your dd's school. They should be able to support your dd as well.

Could you afford to see a counsellor while you are waiting for your referral to the psychiatrist to come through? Some counsellors specialise in gender issues.

I'm an early years teacher and often use books as a way of introducing difficult or new concepts to children. I agree with Vashta that your dd is likely to have lots of questions, and you might find it helpful to have some books as a back-up to help you talk to her.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:41:09

Yes thats a really good idea thank you hun smile i think the problem is me and im just not strong enough which im hoping will improve, i feel very secluded at the moment which i guess is one reason i came on here. My dd is very inquisitive about everything and i know she will ask a lot of questions. She has already especially the last year or so and i dont always have the answers ? i cannot afford to see any one private not while im paying for my hormones as well, they are fairly expensive and now my gp has done tests to make sure they have not effected my health i feel a little relief. but i am hoping my appointment comes through soon, they said within 6 weeks and its been 4 now. Thanks Again hun.

Krissy x

fluffling Sat 22-Nov-14 22:43:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RJnomore Sat 22-Nov-14 22:43:51

Krispy sorry if this is bad advice but I've seen larger men wearing swimming trunks and a t shirt over top, or larger women a swimsuit and a t shirt, could that maybe be a short term help to get you through a difficult period until your confidence and situation improve?

Sorry if that's reallly rubbish of me to suggest,

And welcome to MN, glad to have you.

RJnomore Sat 22-Nov-14 22:45:15

BTw kids are much more accepting and understanding often than adults, just keep surrounding her with love and I'm sure you will be fine.

divingoffthebalcony Sat 22-Nov-14 22:49:32

I was wondering how you managed to get hormones prescribed when you weren't already living as a woman (I have a trans friend so I know a little about the process on the NHS) but now I see you've been self medicating.

I really think this is the time where you'll have to start coming out to people, including your daughter. Maybe once you've got a referral to a gender clinic they'll be able to advise. You obviously can't carry on taking hormones and living as a man/keeping everything a secret forever. Good luck.

woodychip Sat 22-Nov-14 22:50:47

I think you need to try and find a professional or group therapy that your daughter could go to to talk about her feelings as it is going to be a real shock for when you eventually make the change and start dressing as a woman.

RJnomore Sat 22-Nov-14 22:51:15

Acht I've just read properly. Another stupid idea maybe but you can get minimised bras and sports bras that basically bind you!

These are just basic short term ideas to get you swimming btw, obviously not long term answers, but I'm sure your dd realises your actual shape anyway? Perhaps it will not be the shock to her you are expecting?

CourtneyAct Sat 22-Nov-14 23:01:34

divingoffthebalcony hormones can be bought online. It's not recommended but with such massive waiting lists many turn to this.

Krissy1980 Sat 22-Nov-14 23:08:08

Wow im a little overwhelmed with all the support and help, thank you all so much for replying and being so nice smile you have no idea how much it means to me right now.

Yes i self medicated for years now, not good i know, i found an online pharmacy which sells prescription drugs. Very expensive and dangerous but i was desperate at the time.

I kind of hope my daughter will just accept it and all will be fine but i think im a little naive thinking that and deep down i realise it will be a huge change for me and her.

I do wear minimizer bras now when im going out, they do help a little and i have tried a binding vest but my breasts are very painful and i could not bind them, it just hurt to much. I wonder if they sell a swimming cosy with a minimizer built in ? might be worth a look smile yes my daughter is aware of my body shape, she has asked questions about it over the last year. Which i have answered in a bad way and made it worse maybe, i just said that im taking medicine and its caused this to happen to me, and that some times men look like women and women can look like men, its a rubbish answer but all i could come up with in an awkward situation.

Once again thank you so much everyone smile

Krissy x

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 22-Nov-14 23:12:07

Krissy there was a fantastic program on CBBC the other day about being transgender narrated by Joe who is transgender. It gave a very clear explanation of how being transgender is physiological a female brain in a male body and vice versa. This might help you explain to your daughter.

Devora Sat 22-Nov-14 23:16:38

Krissy, you really really need to start getting proper advice and support with this. You are on a huge journey and you are taking your daughter with you - you can't put off getting some expert help with how to support your daughter through this. Preferably BEFORE you go swimming and perhaps have to deal with awkward questions in a public space!

Have you talked to GIRES?

All best to you.

Ludways Sat 22-Nov-14 23:17:01

As you are sorting through these issues, book her in for swimming lessons. That way she'll be swimming and you'll be sitting on the side with the other parents watching. You'll both be happy.

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