How do single parents cope?

[youngmummy17]

I ask this question because, i simply just can't cope, everyday is such a battle it's NOT! DS fault he adds to the stress but his only a toddler, i've pretty much been a single mum since day one and 18 months later i just want to walk away i know i can't but somedays i just want to leave and never come back, his father walked away and did this to him left me with the hardest job in the world and it's starting to take it's toll i don't know how to feel i'm so angry with ds dad and so tired and stressed, i just don't know how to cope and how other single parents do,is there a light at the end of the tunnel? :(

[avenueone]

My DS is 6 now and I think he was about 18 months old when I felt like that - I actually told a friend `I just don't want him'- I was exhausted.
You run out of reserves... and I wasn't being proud at the time I just didn't have much help.
The great news is, this is the worst it gets -in one respect - well it was for me. As they get older and can do more and/or you don't need to watch out for them as much things get easier. I got better routines, met more people.
I think it takes at least two years to adjust - it is a whole new way of life.
I love it now (have done for a long time) and whilst I do feel some guilt for what I told that friend that day I was just exhausted.
I think the most important thing is a positive mind - it's hard for you but you are doing it....
Do you go to many baby/toddler groups? if not do so - get out and about as much as you can and sleep as much as you can - it's only short term - go to bed when he does, a well rested mummy can cope with so much more.
Create a new life for you and your DS. Blaming your ex and I did too - wastes your pressure energy - its you and him and you are going to have an amazing bond when you are older and a great life together.
Enjoy the time in the evenings when he is in bed - invite a friend round once a week (when you are not having an early night) and watch a film, have some nice food - or maybe one night have a pamper night and a bubble bath with candles, read a book and enjoy being with yourself.
You will get more time to go out when he is a little older.
It will pass - it is going to be fine - give yourself a massive big hug for being a wonderful mummy xxx

[Meglet]

If it makes you feel any less alone I don't cope either!

I've been on my own for 3yrs and the dc's are 5 & 3. Those first few months when I was still on maternity leave and the dc's were small really was lovely. Now I have work, nursery and school runs to deal with it's much harder and I am very lonely with little support. So, no, I don't cope. We are fed, clean and muddle through. I never iron, the bathroom gets cleaned once a month, the car has petrol in and everything else is done on a wing and a prayer!

Sorry no real miracles to offer you, but you have my sympathy .

[Sassybeast]

It's the hardest job in the world sometimes but be sure that you are the rock and the stability for your little boy and it won't always be this hard.
What do you have in terms of family/friends support ? Do you go out to work ? Sometimes the feeling of being on your own can make things much worse. If you are isolated, can you ask your HV for details of some playgroups ? Surestart is an amazing resource and was a lifeline when mine were small.
Does your little boy sleep well ? Mine are early risers -which is the source of a lot of my complete exhaustion sometimes. I make myself go to bed early now - and they are starting to sleep a bit more now.

[Sassybeast]

And I'd echo what Meglet says - don't try to be superwoman in terms of housework, gardens etc. I have a mental list of 1 'big' thing that I need to do each week - e.g cut the grass, file away all the post, sort insurance for the car.
I have decluttered the house of toys and clothes which makes it easier to manage.

[LurcioLovesFrankie]

It can be very hard, and I think all of us who are single mums have been in the pits of despair (I tend to get to rock bottom when I'm ill). It is the hardest job in the world by a long way - I go out to my job to get a rest. Avenue has sound advice - totally agree with the "get out every day" suggestions and "invite a friend round once a week". I also have phases where I go to bed when DS does and it really helps.

Adult company for you is crucial- you will go loopy without it (during my maternity leave, I spent lots of time talking to little old ladies on park benches). I find friends don't come to me uninvited unless I put in a lot of work in terms of inviting them round first - I have a hit rate of about 2 events organised by me for every event I get invited to, but it's worth it for my sanity. And other mums, when you get to know them, are usually equally pleased to have some adult company, and will be happy with hospitality consisting of beans on toast for them and their DC (not kidding about this one - try to find a bunch of friends who're all happy to set the catering bar comfortingly low).

The other thing is organisation - work out when you have most energy and fit tasks round it. For instance when DS was a colicky baby, I knew that come 4.30-5.00 ish, things were screwed for the rest of the night, so I had a cooked meal at lunch time and stuff prepared to snack on in the evening between screaming fits. Toddlers can be similar - no colic, thank god, but if you know for instance that he's going to have a high-demand patch in the run up to his tea, make sure tea is something that can just be got out of the fridge and plonked in front of him, rather than taking loads of preparation.

Also try to find stuff you know you actually find ok - I find going to the park is really good - DS runs off energy, I get some fresh air and daylight, it's an activity where we both know what we're supposed to do, if you know what I mean (contrast playing with toy cars which I hate with a passion). For wet days, there's libraries, our local museum (don't know what your town has to offer, but the trick is to find somewhere free, warm and with child-friendly activities).

Also (fingers crossed the evil tories don't knacker this one) when he turns 3 you will get 15 hours free childcare, which will really help a lot.

[purpleroses]

Yes, it does get better. 18 months is simply the hardest age there is in my opionion - they're fully mobile, full of strong views and desires, but too young to be reasoned with, or even to explain to you what they want properly.

It gets much easier as they get older - even by 2 you can start to enjoy their company a lot more - you can make rules that they will (sometimes) follow, they'll respond to stickers, bribes, etc. So hang on in there.

Being a long parent is tough - my best advice is try to join up with other peole as much as possible. Go round a friend's for a day - even if she has a toddler too, 2 parents and 2 kids is easier than one on one. Get out to toddler groups, playgrounds, etc and extend your social circle as wide as you can.

Also see if you can manage any kind of evening social life - if you can find anyone to have your have your DS overnight, then take them up on it. Otherwise take him with you - train him to sleep in his buggy if possible and take him round friends in the evening, or out to pub gardens. You can even go to the park in the evening at this time of year.

Company will keep you sane.

[LucieMay]

It does get easier. I found the toddler years the hardest by far. Some days I'd just go into my bedroom and sob on my bed because I couldn't cope with it any more. Now ds is six we have a lot of fun together. He's my little pal and is good company. We talk and laugh a lot and do tons of things together. It started to get easier when he hit about four and suddenly just became easier. Keep your chin up hun. X

[avenueone]

Luciemay I think we have led a parallel life lol

[ChooChooLaverne]

Have you got any Gingerbread local groups in your area? See here:
//www.gingerbread.org.uk/content.aspx?CategoryID=438

It might help to get in touch with them and see if they arrange get togethers or you can put an ad on your local area on Mumsnet or (ahem) Netmums to see if there are any other single parents in your area you could meet.

Do you have any friends or family who can babysit for a few hours - or even a day or a weekend - to give you a break? It's good for you to have some time to yourself. If not, could you contact Homestart:
//www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support

If you're really struggling it might also be worth talking to your GP and/or health visitor and see if they have any support they can suggest?

[cestlavielife]

Speak to gp ask about post separation or post trauma counselling for your anger you need to process it. Anger only serves to eat you up.
Go to sure start or local children's centre see what help eg mums groups with crèche or play groups there are. Talk to other mums .
This is just another challenge how have you dealt with other challenges in your life ?
It might be the hardest but there is help out there. He can get 15 hours per week nursery soon. Look towards that.
What about family and friends ? Ask them to t take him for few hours regularly and sleep.
Use local gym or pool when it has crèche .
If you seriously considering walking away call Samaritans and talk . And go see gp counselling or sometimes anti depressants might help.

But talk to gp they can refer to services to get you extra help if you need it.

[MagicHouse]

Totally agree 18 is the hardest age. My DS was throwing full blown tantrums several times a day at that point. He's just over 2 now, and life is already massively easier - for a start he can TELL me what the matter is, so he's not really doing the tantrum thing so much now (still has them of course!!! But not in the same league when he does!)

[Solo]

I've been a lone parent since fell pg with my Ds and he's almost 14. Dd is 5.6 and I've found it harder and harder to carry on. But we must carry on and we just do our best.
My Dc's fight and argue all the time. I shout and scream at them all the time. It's so frustrating.
I wish I had an answer...

[MyDogShitsMoney]

I've only been an LP for 6 months (DS is 10 months) so can't give any advice (I fuck up several times a day) except to say that posting on here is a really positive thing to do.

You obviously know you're not actually going to walk away but you need to know that it's ok to feel like doing it sometimes.

All the advice you've been given so far is great and there will be plenty more.

One day at a time, you'll get there xx

[OlympicMarathonNCer]

I've been a lone parent for 16years the first few years were definately a wing and a prayer years and I often did just breakdown in the evening in tears but I got out there, museums were a god send and often have kids things going on, swimming, walks, city farms, local community events/volunteering.

Cook a batch of food and freeze a load incase of illness, hide £ somewhere for surprises ok I've often found the odd fiver in purses due to battiness

In a few years you'll be a good team

[OlympicMarathonNCer]

Get a pet, gives you both a friend and a focus and something other than being a lone parent to talk about.

They also give cuddles when you're sobbing your heart out.

[MyDogShitsMoney]

That's just made me well up.

My dog does exactly that despite the fact that I seem to spend most of the day yelling at her

[OlympicMarathonNCer]

is that because it's shitting money everywhere? I suppose cleaning the coins would be easy but the notes? :o

Seriously, aw :(

[MyDogShitsMoney]

It's ok, it was only a fiver but I glued it back together and used it to pay for a taxi

She drives me mad a lot of the time (mega needy so is never more than 2 feet away from me ) but she really is the most affectionate thing that ever lived.

There's nothing like unconditional love to simultaneously make you feel wonderful and heart breakingly guilty.

[OlympicMarathonNCer]

:o that's made me cry with laughter.

Reverse pyschology is good, have you tried being overly affectionate with her? Just give her loads of hugs, all the time?

I had a cat like that, followed me everywhere.

[MyDogShitsMoney]

Oh believe me I've tried the lot.

She is part dog part limpet!

She's a rescue so came with a lot of undiagnosed ishoos unfortunately. (Eating bizarre things being just one of them!)

Wouldn't change her for the world though, however snappy I am with her and however pissed off I feel, when I look at those eyes as she squeezes herself as close to me as possible it's game over.

[youngmummy17]

We do get out near enough everyday and my grandparents take him once a week, we go to groups but still manage to feel like everything gets on top of me! DS tantrums are just crazy i don't like taking him out in case he throws one, people stare i get worked up ds gets worse then people comment and it's just awful and i go home feeling like crap:( I try have some me time but i'm such an moody b**tard by the time DS is in bed, his a bad sleeper! that i'll probably bite my friends head off if they come to see me, i usually just go to the gym, try get me time and lose baby belly that way. It just seems like no matter how much help i get etc it's just not enough?

[MyDogShitsMoney]

(sorry for the dog related hi-jack btw)

The only thing I can say, and I know this won't help at all, but the simple answer is a lot of us don't cope.

We just get through it, one day at a time.

It doesn't make you a bad mother and it doesn't mean you're weak.

It means you're human xx

[ChooChooLaverne]

Well, maybe it's still not enough help and it's ok to ask for more.

It's hard dealing with tantrums all the time on your own. I know it's not easy but try and ignore what other people think - they're not in your situation. It will get better when he's older. Is there any way you could work part time? If it's possible it might give you something else to focus on and take your mind off everything else for a while.

I would really think about telling the GP and/or health visitor how you feel and they might be able to give you more help - antidepressants and/or counselling to deal with your feelings/Homestart or similar and maybe even parenting classes to cope with dealing with tantrums without feeling wound up yourself.

[youngmummy17]

a lot of friends i know who have children and still with dc dads have a house are all happy go on about how great their life is and i'm just like did i do something wrong!?
i think i need to adjust to motherhood!

[youngmummy17]

I would like to go in voluntary work, i was doing A levels until my local college dropped them half way through!:S i have been to GP before they kind of just brushed me aside and i've not heard anything since