How hard did you find it?

[BackOffMargery]

I am a very intermittent poster on mumsnet, but I am not sure where else to go for this question.

My family and I have moved to Christchurch, NZ two and a half weeks ago. Its for OH's work. It took us a while to get the visas, so the inital excitement was lost in the 3-4 months we were waiting. For OH he really didn't want to come and as things were looking up in the UK with work etc. He basically made that clear for the first two weeks we have been here. Also for a few weeks before we left. As an anniversary present to me he promised he would stop moaning about it, which he has!

I was really excited about moving to New Zealand. Not really sure why. We had lived in a pretty mediocre town in the UK for 16 years and I felt like our lives were stagnating.

Now we are here, I am lonely, I can't find any parent and toddler groups (I have a 2.5 year old and nearly 1 year old) and I miss my friends and family. So, I feel like a bit of an idiot.

I know it has only been 2.5 weeks so I expect things will turn out alright.

How did you feel when you first moved to a different country? How long did it take you to adjust and find your feet?

[kickassangel]

i hated it at first, and spent most of the first year crying (just randomly, driving along, tears pouring out) and thinking of the lyrics 'all i want to be is a million miles from here, somewhere more familiar' and just dreaming of going home. then i went home for a visit in feb (my 2nd visit) and HATED it. the UK showed me everything that was it worst - constant rain, traffic, MIL being a manipulative cow, my parents treating me like a teen, queues for everything, everything expensive.

after a few days i kind of readjusted, but i was so glad to get back 'home' to the US.

it takes time, but perspective does shift.

have to admit, though NZ is a step too far for me, i can be home in 12 hours if i need to be - i've spent longer than that stuck on the M25.

[kickassangel]

fwiw, my lifeline has been a group called 'girlfriends'.

7 years ago, a family moved to the area. the mum felt like you did, so she put an ad in the local paper, 'anyone want to meet for coffee?'. well, now we meet for coffee every week, nights out 2 or 3 times a month, and it is everything that friends should be. they have pretty much adopted me & dd as we don't have family - they were my lifeline just over a year ago.

apart from the normal fear of no-one turning up - could you try starting your own group/toddler group?

[thumbwitch]

Hi margery - I am in Australia and have been here since August last year with my Aussie Dh and our now-2.6yo DS. It was hard at first but DH having family here kind of helped a bit - at least it gave us a few more people to talk to.

I have found two toddler groups though = one in the local community centre and one in the local baptist church hall.

So I would suggest you see if you have a community centre - go along and check the noticeboard for playgroups. Try the library as well, they might have a notice there; and also check the local churches. If you are massively anti-church, you might get irritated by any church group - but if not, it's a good place to meet people.

There is also a forum called British Expats - you can try them (although I haven't found them to be much use, tbh - PomsInOz was better but still not that crash hot - in fact, the only people I have met up with from t'internet were 2 lovely MNers in Sydney!)

Have you a local park? If you have, go there as often as you can and talk to other mums there - I have a friend who moved from teh UK to NZ and thence to Australia - she says the NZers are much more friendly and inclusive than the Aussies.

You've only been there a very very short time so far - still in "holiday period" mode (and shock!) really - so don't be hard on yourself. It'll take a couple of months for you to find your way around, and once you get familiar with places and where to go, you might feel a bit more as though you "know" the place. So - go driving/walking as much as you can, given the weather, to familiarise yourself with the place. Go to some wildlife areas - that always helps with the "well, you wouldn't get this back in the UK!"

I also found MN was an absolute lifeline for me - and there are usually a few of us antipodean types on here, so you can chat.

Chin up - it's bound to feel strange to start with - it would even if you'd stayed in the UK.

[papooshka]

It really does take a while (sorry to say), you have to get out there and talk to everyone and make arrangements for coffee, playing with kids etc to meet people. I remember once standing in a bank queue and there was a woman in front of me who looked nice and I had to stop myself from asking her if she wanted a coffe as she may have thought I was a loony or coming onto her!!

But I moved abroad and didn't have kids so it was much harder. Now I have kids I have met loads more people. Like mentioned before if you can't find any playgroups etc why don't you start your own...a friend here did that and now has about 20 people coming round once a week and she structures it and does singing and even has a waiting list to come!

8 years on I still get homesick, but then the weather here is so much better (even tho its pissing down at the mo!) and you will meet people and find your feet honestly, just take it a day at a time. I am constantly on UK websites to keep me in the loop with home and that helps too.

Hope that helps a bit ..

[redflipflops]

Hello BackOffMargery - I totally empathise with your situation. It is SO hard for the first few months, everything feels unfamiliar and strange. It can feel so lonely and isolated at home with little ones in a new country.

We moved to the US 6 months ago for DH job transfer. I was very happy and settled in the place we were before so I miss my friends terribly. BUT things have got better.... it just takes time.

Try and make yourself get out to the park and search out any mothers groups and kid activities. Good luck - it really does take time to build a new life

[ben5]

the local doctors also might know of toddler groups. they will also put you in contact with HV etc who can help. took me a couple of months to settle but wouldn't go back to the UK now!

[BackOffMargery]

Thanks for your reassurance

I know that it doesn't all just happen like magic but I am quite a chatty person and I am missing my playgroups!

So far I have:
Looked at 3 community noticeboards - just one group called little arpeggios, we are going to a free intro class
Joined the library - there are two music/story sessions that I will go to
Looked on the noticeboard at the library - no playgroups
Tried to join plunket - i rang, gave my details, they said they would ring back and havent yet. I shall ring them again.
I am considering joining a playcentre.

We are only here temporarily in this particular suburb, and then we will be moving once our stuff arrives on 29th July.

I have joined the Doctor's surgery but they didn't mention an HV. Hmmmm.

I am also trying not to cry to my mum as I feel so foolish about being so excited about moving and now feel weepy.

[Shells]

Poor you Margery. I am in NZ and found it very very hard to start with. It took me ages to find 'my people'. Playcentre is supposed to be great - very inclusive. And the HVs are called Plunket Nurses.
I found that it made a huge difference what kind of suburb you live in too. Do you know where you're going to be?

[Shells]

Poor you Margery. I am in NZ and found it very very hard to start with. It took me ages to find 'my people'. Playcentre is supposed to be great - very inclusive. And the HVs are called Plunket Nurses.
I found that it made a huge difference what kind of suburb you live in too. Do you know where you're going to be?

[backtotalkaboutthis]

Hi I have good news and bad news.

Ime after three months you think you've settled in. After six months you think "I can't believe I thought I was settled in three months ago now I'm really settled in".

After nine months you've probably settled in. After your first big holiday home to the UK, when you need to get back and get organised in NZ and start the new school year etc, that's when it can start to feel more like "home" and you are pleased to be there.

Expect to burst into tears several times for no apparent reason at all any time over the first three months. When things really start looking up, for example, the first setback can have you tearing up.

It's bad news because it sounds bad, but I think it's good news because it's normal.

Your move sounds like a good one to me, and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Good luck x if you cry, you are not the only one and you are not a failure

[BackOffMargery]

Hi Shells

We are in St Albans in Christchurch at the mo. Its good in that it is quite central and there are loads of buses to all sorts of places.

We are looking at moving to Diamond Harbour which is much more out of town but apparently they have a good community there. I don't know if we are mad to move to a more rural place. But I think that is what we moved to NZ for IYSWIM.

How long have you been in NZ?

[Shells]

Hi, yes Diamond harbour is lovely and probably a bit hippyish.
I agree - you may as well be somewhere rural and close to nature if you're going to be here.
I've been back 3 years now (I am an NZer) but it took me a very long time to get used to it. You need to give yourself time. Try not to compare all the time. And appreciate the great things. How old are your DCs? Have you been to the museum? Thats good fun.

[Weta]

I'm from NZ (and lived in Chch for 5 years) and have moved to Europe a couple of times. It is really really hard at the beginning, but you just have to keep taking small steps and doing all you can to meet people.

Tell yourself it is normal to feel like this, and it will pass - give yourself time to get used to it. Plus arriving in winter is not the best!! I would say the first six months are the hardest, but it gradually gets easier over that time as you start getting to know people.

Definitely call back the Plunket nurse, and keep calling until you get hold of her (even if you have to leave a message saying you've just moved and are finding things very difficult). Basically when babies are born they send you along to classes for a month or so and then those groups often continue as coffee groups - ask whether she can put you in touch with one in your area, with people whose babies are the same age as yours. The Plunket nurse will also be equivalent to your HV (but possibly better from what I read about HVs on here).

This link mentions a playgroup in Fendalton, which is not that far from you: www.plunket.org.nz/plunket-you/plunket-in-your-area/canterbury/?cat=30

Also Playcentre are normally very good and always keen to have volunteers to help out (I think this is probably the best way of actually getting to know people rather than just being a passive attender).

There are also music groups called Mainly Music: www.mainlymusic.org.nz/groups/findagroupinNZ/canterbury/tabid/74/Default.aspx
They're often in church halls, but not overly religious, and a good way of getting out of the house with your kids (and also very cheap IIRC).

Also check out the baby and pre-schooler programmes at the libraries:
christchurchcitylibraries.com/Events/Preschool/

Hope that gives you a few ideas, but I do think the Plunket nurse will be a big help.

Hang in there!

Oh, and Diamond Harbour is really nice but a bit out of town - if you can I'd give yourself a while to get used to the place before you make the decision. Would Lyttelton be an option, maybe halfway between city and rural?

[Sibble]

Just to say ditto most things said here. I absolutely hated NZ for at least the first year then one day you wake up and it seems to have all fallen into place. I remember the absolute loneliness of being in the park on my own day in day out with ds1 while dh was out at work for 12+hours.

I tried a Plunket playgroup for 3 months and didn't make one friend so moved onto Playcentre where I started to meet like minded people. In retrospect there was another Plunket playgroup closer than the one she sent me to but it was run by another nurse/centre so if you're not keen on the first one you visit move onto another.

We also did Mainly Music, pre-school gymnastics, story time at the library - basically anything and everything that meant I could meet people. Somebody once said to me you probably have to mercilessly filter through hundreds of 'new friends' before you find your true friends and I think they were right.

Like has been said, try the library boards, church halls, whats on section of the free local papers.

Good luck and it really does get better

[LarkinSky]

Hello, I'm not in your part of the world, but we (dd, DH and me) do have to move countries, and continents, every 4 years with jobs. I've found it takes a good year to really feel at home and to make good friends - ones you can just pop round to without organising in advance.

Lots of great advice on this thread. My golden rule is always to say 'yes' to EVERYTHING that comes your way for the first six months. That way you'll meet lots of people and see lots of things in your area: even if you end up doing some random hobbies, visiting odd places, hanging out with people you wouldn't have thought you have much in common with. After those first six months, you can start being a little more discerning.

And don't hold back from letting your mum and good friends back in the UK know how homesick you are and how hard you're finding it. I always do, in case they say 'told you so' (I know my Mum would love me to live in the UK really). But at the end of the day, they love you and will help you through it, and it's likely they'll help you feel more positive about settling in.

Make sure your DH is being ultra-supportive, not working long hours, and not going out without you. It is by far easier for him to settle in, having a job and colleagues, than it is for you and your DC.
You and your children need him there for you now more than ever - if you start to resent him for settling in and having a good time when you're not, you could feel even more alienated.

I really hope my post doesn't read too negatively: remember those optimistic feelings you had about moving to NZ, and make sure you treat yourself to lots of experiences and weekends away there, so you remember how great the country is (not just another suburb where you're doing the same things as in the UK).

Good luck, keep us posted on how you settle in.

[LarkinSky]

Ps, even after doing this for years, having lived in six different countries on three different continents, I still cry and still find it hard and still feel homesick. It's easy to lose perspective and think the UK has a golden aura about it. Actually, there are many things about my life that are better now than they would be living in the UK. I just wish I could have all my friends and family living here with me!

What I was trying to say is, don't be hard on yourself, and don't be afraid to have depressed days - it's totally normal.

[kickassangel]

i also kept reminding myself of what would have happened in the uk if we'd stayed - dh was losing his job, either he had a long commute and pay cut ahead (which would mean me working more, dd in before & after school), OR he would be trying to be a consultant, so i'd have to work much longer hours & a lot less money for a while, or we'd have had to move elsewhere in the uk - in fact, switzerland was looking possible.

none of the above appealed to me. being here was by far the best option.

[BackOffMargery]

Thanks for all your messages, I went to Little Arpeggios today and some ladies talked to me! I feel a lot better. It doesn't take much to make me feel better.

The weird thing is that things were looking up in the UK for us but with a change in govt could have come a lot of difficulties in OH finding a job. So on balance we have still done the right thing I think.

LarkinSky I am not sure I could do this every four years! Is it embassy work by any chance? Obviously you don't have to answer...

[Paddingtonblue]

BOM, the weather has been SHITE for the last two and a half weeks as well which means Chch can't have felt very welcoming. I live in Chch, we moved back here about 18 months ago after 10 years in the UK and I have a 2.5DS and a 1.5DS. I found it really hard to get used to, and I was returning home! There are some good options out there for toddler groups although it took time to find them. I understand how lonely it is initially. I live in St Albans too - would be more than happy to meet with the children for a coffee, although I will drone ON AND ON about how much I miss M&S.

[lavenderbongo]

Hi - I am in Wellington NZ so still rather a long distance from you. We moved here 16 months ago and it is really surprising how quickly you do settle in. If I look back on how it was a year ago - no furniture, no friends, isolated and missing home - it has changed completely.

I have two daughters one a school and a three year old. I did exactly as you are and joined everything going, dragging my children to Mainly Music, kindygym and everything I could find. After the first few months people started talking to me and inviting me round for coffee. I even started chatting to the woman who passed my house every day with her son and practically forced my phone number on her! She is now one of my closest friends here.

Keep going - it is worth it! I have made some good friends and now rarely have a day when I am not meeting someone for coffee or popping in for a chat.

My kids love it here and are turning into proper little Kiwis. They really dont remember much about the UK at all. I still miss my family and friends but this is slowly becoming home and my DH has already said that he wants to grow old here.

[Paddingtonblue]

I have thought about it BOM, and actually I will drone on about H&M and Boots as my most missed shops if we meet for coffee. But I will also tell you about music groups and Playcentre. And where the best gingerbread men are in St Albans. Let me know if you fancy a coffee, and enjoy the sun while it is there.

[BackOffMargery]

I have almost started stopping women in the street who have similar age children to ask about baby groups! I think that would be a step too far, especially for my British sensibilities!

Paddingtonblue - I would love to meet up for a coffee, that's so kind of you to offer Let me know when and where and I will be there. I am more than happy to listen to the merits of M&S.

[Paddingtonblue]

Ah, but you would say "Sorry" when you stopped them, so that would be okay
I am quite close to Abberley Park, but also in ambling distance to Malvern Park. Are either of these handy for you?

[BackOffMargery]

Abberley Park is very very close to me! I don't know where Malvern Park is, but I will find out I am sure.

If you're happy to meet in Abberley Park that's good for me. How's next week for you?

[Paddingtonblue]

Abberley is also very very close to me, I can see the trees right now. I can do afternoons or anytime Monday actually. DS2 sleeps from about 12 to 2.00 but other than that, you name the time. I can tell you all about the St Albans Playcentre too, DSs currently look as if they have been in a paintball fight having spent this morning there. Right, am throwing the boys in the buggy to do a bread and milk dash to Edgeware, wish me luck with the rain and see you next week.