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Waiting frustration

(54 Posts)
Missymoomum Tue 29-Apr-14 02:54:59

We have been on our current assignment now for coming up for 4 years and we decided at the start of this school year that this would be our last here as it's time to move on. DH made it clear to his company that we would not renew again (have done twice already) and he's due to finish this summer. Despite him going back to the UK a couple of times and rumblings happening, we are STILL waiting to find out what the next move is. There has been vague discussion over the last few months about possible places and roles but they have died a death and finally, in the last few weeks, discussion of the move by his company has really picked up, but we're still nowhere near knowing where we're going and it's starting to panic me especially since we will need to find school places for our 2 DCs. We could be either going back to the UK for a bit or elsewhere abroad so an extremely vague area and i would really like to enjoy my last few weeks here but i just feel completely stressed by everything.
I know this is a pretty common experience for expats but I was just wondering if anyone else is going through this at the moment so we could have a support/moaning thread wink .

singaporeswing Tue 29-Apr-14 05:45:47

Going through exactly the same. Project coming to an end in July and the next one isn't going to start until the end of the year.

DP's company could move just him to Israel whilst I rented a room in Singapore. Or he could take 6 month's unpaid leave and we both rent a room in Singapore.

It's easier for us as it is just the two of us, but I am fed up of his company not taking anybody into consideration. I've warned my boss here that I may not be able to give him a formal notice period and he understands.

I'm a planner by nature and just frustrated that I am not able to even have a vague idea of where I will be celebrating my birthday in August!

Feel free to moan away grin

Missymoomum Tue 29-Apr-14 06:17:13

Hi singaporeswing, that's how i feel too, like the company just don't think about the wider picture. We have to give notice on the house at the beginning of June, i've already had to give notice to the children's school that they will be leaving at the end of term and i've also handed in my resignation. Now DH is even saying that if nothing has been properly sorted out in time then we will have to extend for 6 months to allow time for it be sorted and for us to get organised! I'm sure i'll be able to get the school places back but what a pallaver, although i think in many ways that would be favourable than trying to rush everything!

I will keep my fingers crossed that you find out something soon, keep me posted!

Onedegreenorth Tue 29-Apr-14 13:55:15

Another one in limbo land. We are currently waiting on dh's employer to let him know what the package is before we decide. Schools are also an issue plus I don't feel that I can tell anyone about it or get too excited about the move as we have had 2 other international moves not go ahead in the last year. In fact I'm now getting emails from schools I applied for last year in one of the locations offering me places for August/September. Grrr.

So hope you both hear something soon so at least you can start making plans.

singaporeswing Wed 30-Apr-14 02:49:38

It's the knock on effect that annoys me the most - it's not just DP that's affected, but me, my boss, our friends etc. Doesn't help that DP is a typical laidback Aussie who just rolls with it.

I find the issue is that a good 90% of the engineers are either single or have wives who don't work, so the idea of a partner who does work is just unheard of!

Such a pain about the house, school places etc although good that you should be able to get the places back - I can imagine most schools have had to deal with this frequently.

His company pay for our flat and we have moved 4 times in 2 years due to them moving us around. I would just like to feel settled. I'm holding on to the hope that we should be back in the UK for Christmas smile.

I feel sorry for my DM who is desperate for us to come back for a few months. Doesn't help that DB has just accepted a 4 year contract in Australia and my DSis is moving out!

I think about how quickly time flies here in Singapore and before we know it, it will be the end of the year and fingers crossed we will all be settled in a new place.

Expatedout Wed 30-Apr-14 03:05:56

Can I join? DH looks like he may be relocating again with his work.. We are presently in SE Asia and he may be heading back to Middle East. Absolute nightmare with DC schooling, same as you missymoomum had to give notice at school but may find we are still here in September. Meanwhile making plans to head back to the UK just in case . We also have pets just to complicate things. I hate that limbo feeling also the fear of the unknown. I also feel for my DC who don't know where they will be in September.

ifink Wed 30-Apr-14 04:36:30

Hi can I join too? My DH has been given 'a word' about a poss move to Moscow. We were just starting to think about buying a place in Oz as we have been here for 3 years and thought that was where we were going to stay...seems not. Timescales are not being talked about at all though....I hate that the most. I'm up for another adventure although love it here but I hate the day to day living when I don't really know how long it will last, could by 3months or 12 months. I've read about people feeling dumped by their mates when they have announced they are moving on.....I would hate for that to happen to me but I understand friends needs to distance themselves/self protection etc. For now I'm keeping very schtum.....except on MN of course!

Hairylegs47 Wed 30-Apr-14 04:48:28

Can I join too?
DHs current employer keep cancelling/changing our holidays, the last one, they rang him when we were on the canal boat told him they'd cancelled and he had to be back in 2 days. So of course he went, but it was the third time in as many holidays they've done this. He went back and starting firing off his CV. Last Tues a company rang to interview the next day, they then flew him to the job country, interviewed him face to face, he needs another Skype interview before they discuss packages. I know that's fast - normally fast here is anywhere from 3 months to a year - BUT, we need to arrange schools, housing etc. We - I really - can't make plans, new GS has just been born I'm supposed to be back in the UK helping out, packing needs to be sorted (it's not really IF we go but when in my DH head) and the DC are about to start IB and IGCSE exams this week!!
I know, I know I should shut up and get on with it, we're very lucky to be 'living the dream' etc, but I just want to kick things. I'm so flipping stressed all the time.

adaloveslace Wed 30-Apr-14 13:21:47

So happy I found this thread. I am in limbo land too at 34 weeks pregnant with 2 school age DC and I hate, hate, hate it. DH's one year overseas posting comes to an end in July when DC3 will be about 6 weeks old, at which point we're expected to pack up and return home.

We have both been hoping to stay on where we are - kids have settled incredibly well and we feel we're only getting started really - but DH's employer wants him either back home, or possibly in a third continent entirely. Meanwhile, he's started job hunting where we are to see if we might be able to stay but there's not much movement in the market at his level.

So by August I will have a new DC and have no idea whether I'll be living in Australia, USA or Europe. My DH is totally preoccupied with work and job interviews and it's really really hard sad

Sorry for the giant moan but I feel totally out of control of my life and miserable.

Missymoomum Thu 01-May-14 15:00:50

Oh goodness I can't believe there's so many of us going through the same thing at the moment although on the other hand, it's nice to know that i'm not alone, I feel like my friends must be sick of hearing the latest in the saga.
Hairylegs, that must be a nightmare with DCs at such a difficult stage of schooling. My 2 are only in Primary so a bit easier to move although they've only ever been to the school that they're at now so I want to do my best to make sure they have a good transition and at the very least have a look around the school beforehand. Of course, if it is a UK move you have the fact that you can't apply for a school until you're resident somewhere and considering we have no idea where we'll be living if thats where we're going then we need a fair amount of time to sort all that out.

Ifink, I have friend who recently moved to Moscow and seems to be really enjoying it .

Expatedout, I feel for my DC's too. We've told them that we might be leaving in the summer so that it doesn't come as a complete shock and they're used to seeing people leave but obviously until we know exactly where we're going we can't tell them anything else but talk is starting at school about the next school year, classes etc and I can tell that they're feeling a bit lost. I am going to speak to the Head on Monday and tell him what's going on to see if we can keep their places on hold. The school accidentally emailed us the fees invoice for the next academic year yesterday, could that be telling us something??!! confused

Missymoomum Fri 23-May-14 06:18:21

Wow, can't believe i last posted on the 1st May. Does anyone have any news? I really hope so as i don't sad. Still keep hearing rumblings but no ore that that. We've decided that if he doesn't have a definite job that is well on the way to be quickly sorted out by the end of this month then we will ask to stay here until the end of the year. This would not be for giving the company yet more time to faff around but so that we can have more time to arrange our move. The Dc's current school are aware of the situation and have been brilliant. They've said we can tell them at any time if we are staying and they'll roll them up in to the next year so that's a relief.
Feeling soooo frustrated as all this time is really ticking by now that i could be using productively but can't as i don't know what's happening.

singaporeswing Fri 23-May-14 06:37:37

Nope, no news either - if anything, it's got worse!

Our options have increased with not even a vague idea of location or timescale. DP is pushing for South Africa, I'm not keen for a number of reasons.

I'm trying to get him to plan a little for all eventualities - we're sorted for the UK and Australia - easier for me to get visas. South Africa is a whole different ball game.

DP is eligible for South African citizenship so I have been frantically sending him links of how he can get that back, just so it shortens down waiting time and means I could hopefully get a visa and find a job quicker.

Joining you in the frustration - I feel like screaming sometimes.

Barbie1 Fri 23-May-14 06:42:56

Can I join?

No time to write right now as we are awaiting 'the call'

Will be back soon...

singaporeswing Fri 23-May-14 07:18:32

Good luck Barbie!

Missymoomum Fri 23-May-14 07:22:13

Welcome to the club Barbie1 not that it's a club you would voluntarily be in wink! good luck with 'the call!'
singapore, really sorry to hear you still don't have any news too. You sound just like me planning in advance for something even though you don't know for definite. I think it helps to make you feel that you have a small amount of control over the proceedings! I've already planned a vague strategy on what we will do if we go back to the UK based on where i think we are likely to be based so at least if that is the scenario i can immediately put my plan into action!

singaporeswing Fri 23-May-14 07:34:39

I have to plan, it's the only way I cope grin

That's exactly what it is, having some control over it. Planning possible visa, looking into rental prices etc also gives me a slight indication of what it would be like to live in that place too.

DP is going to have a job and/or house regardless of where he goes, whereas I'm not guaranteed a job or even a visa in most of the situations.

I need to plan in order for me to

a) be allowed to live in that country and
b) be able to work!

Let alone finding an actual job.

I think as it isn't affecting DP directly - in that he just has to turn up with his suitcase and his passport and his company sort the rest out - he's not seeing it as an issue that he has to deal with right now.

What are your options Missy?

Missymoomum Fri 23-May-14 07:57:08

DH works for a company whose parent company owns many global businesses so potentially it could be anywhere although he has given them the names of a few countries that we would prefer not to go to! He's met with some of these businesses and they seem keen but they're just not being very quick! I think though that we will be heading back to the UK but I would like to think we will go somewhere else again in the future.

How come your DP's company won't help you get a visa? Can you not get a dependant's visa for the country he is moving to and then once there look at changing the visa to a working one or if you get a job offer at a later date your employer can arrange for a visa change? (apologies if this is a stupic question, I'm rubbish at understanding visa rules!). That's what i did as I came over here on a dependants visa off the back of DH's work visa and then after 18 months when i was offered a job my employer then organised a new visa for me........

CaptWingoBings Fri 23-May-14 08:27:49

singaporeswing out of interest, is your DP resuming SA citizenship or making a new application? I'm entitled to SA citizenship by descent & occasionally look at the forms... Then put them away again! Why wouldn't you be able to get a spouse visa if he got a working visa for SA?

Sympathies to all those in limbo. I'm not really in limbo, or at least it is self induced, but DH has started applying for jobs abroad & I am obsessing about each possible location, implications for children & how on earth it fits with ttc number 3 confused

adaloveslace Fri 23-May-14 08:53:43

Well, we got the call last night! Looks like we will be heading to the San Francisco Bay area, probably around the end of July. DH has just been told he's getting a new internal posting he applied for.

I am slightly excited, very sad to leave Sydney where we've been for the past year, and mostly just relieved to be out of the limbo.

I'm also keen to deliver DC3 now, so I have a bit of time to get used to being mum to a newborn again before relocation fun starts in earnest.

Anyone any experience of living in SF?

Barbie1 Fri 23-May-14 08:55:58


The call was just another to update us that nothing is bloody happening for this week.

And scream!!!!

So our situation.

Lived in Dubai, loved it but major promotion came up in South Korea. 2 year post.

Korea is tough, especially as we aren't mainland and after Dubai it seems like a demotion in terms of lifestyle.

Dh knows I have struggled, two children under 4 is making the situation harder. There is nothing for them to do unless you want to spend countless hours in soft play.

No swimming lessons, farms (kids love animals) and shopping for children's books and toys is non existent.

Anyway to cut a long story short we have been looking to get back to Dubai.

Then 7 weeks ago we found out my mums cancer is back, on the very same day I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) with baby 3! Already 9.5 weeks at this point!

Can't give birth on the island as there aren't the facilities to cope (I have a heart condition)


We pushed for a move closer to home.

They offered us KL, although not closer in miles the travel would be about 8 hours less. It's more western, I can have baby there and we have friends there too.

They are messing us around with the 'offer'

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant and can only fly until 28 weeks.

I'm due back to uk in 6 weeks for the summer.

I don't know where I'll be coming home too, or if I'll have to stay in uk to give birth.

Also schools and nursery has to be sorted, along with hospitals etc.

The downside of expat life eh?

Sorry for essay blush

adaloveslace Fri 23-May-14 08:58:01

Missy and Singapore, I hear you on the planning. I've got three different school/housing/job plans in the works. Such a relief to be able to focus on just one now. I cannot multitask to that extent while being an enormous, hormonal pregnant person!

adaloveslace Fri 23-May-14 09:05:38

Oh Barbie, what a nightmare. I've been in a similar situation, at the other end of the pregnancy, and it's horrible... Waiting for baby to arrive, without any idea where he/she will be spending his or her first few months. We've had so many of those "please continue to hold" calls too. I came out of my obstetrician's appointment yesterday and bawled with frustration....then 30 minutes later DH got a message asking him to take The Call. Hang in there, this too will pass.

Barbie1 Fri 23-May-14 09:13:45

Thanks, nice to have somebody who has been in this situation and understands the sheer frustration.

In all honestly all this messing around has taken my mind slightly of my mums devestating news.

Every cloud and all that...

I just feel like I don't belong here, like I'm waiting to leave. Does that make sense?

I don't know if I'm coming or going in all honesty. I'm surprised every night that I have survived the day and the kids have gone to bed fed and happy! grin

adaloveslace Fri 23-May-14 09:25:10

I know how hard it is. If you can, try not to focus beyond your UK trip this summer and spending time with your mum. Hopefully it will all be sorted by then. If you had to stay til after the birth - I presume because of your heart condition? - DH's company will surely accommodate him to be with you, at least around the birth? The amazing thing about babies is how they just go on growing and thriving, in spite of all the chaos and uncertainty on the outside...

singaporeswing Fri 23-May-14 10:11:02

Missy - you'd have thought that we'd be in a decent position, as DFIL is 2nd in command in the South African office! That's my plan - from what I've read, it is pretty feasible. Just don't know how long it will take and I'm wary of having too many long gaps in my CV from waiting between expat assignments.

Capt - he'd be resuming it - he was born there and family left when he was 2. Although we've been together for 5 years, we're not married so we would have to present proof that we've been living together etc. Just trying to hold onto payslips etc with addresses on them.

Barbie - I feel like I'm in limbo with all the waiting - you don't want to keep fully engaging with where you are as you need to detach if you are leaving, if that makes sense.

I'm allowing myself to think up to my birthday in August and then trying to ignore what will happen after that. But obviously not very well!

It's great to be able to rant on here. I feel awful for DP because it is out of his hands, but he is taking full brunt of my ranting.

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