Help. Asexual trans parent starting to hate DH(35 Posts)
This is gonna be a long one, so I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a physical female, identify trans agender, which means I don't feel I'm a man or a woman. I am the sole wage earner, married to a male for over 10 years, have family home, pets etc.
I have never been traditionally sexual/sensual and have always been more intellectual. Any body stuff bothers me, to be honest.
I had my DS 7 years ago. I had a number of mental and physical issues during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Physically traumatic birth, cuts, scars, infections, you name it.
Where previously I put up with sex and other intimacy (cuddles, kisses) now even the thought makes me deeply uncomfortable. I'm also on medication for anxiety. I consider myself asexual now, where before I guess I'd just have said I had a very low sex drive.
My DH is generally very supportive but the idea that he's never going to have sex or intimacy again is obviously making him irritable and upset. He seems to feel that I "just need my sensuality reawakening". I even went to a sex therapist and she asked me why i wanted help. The only reason could give was that my husband wanted sex and i didn't.
How do i explain that i don't have a sexual side anymore? That I don't need "fixing", that just because I dont want sex doesn't mean I'm broken. He just keeps coming back to "you were sexual before".
I'm beginning to hate him for it. Can anyone help, offer an opinion?
Leaving the sexuality and gender stuff aside, I think it's generally accepted if you're sexually incompatible as a couple it's fairer on both parties to end it so each has a chance of happiness. Co parenting together sounds like it's manageable for you both, but without the marriage.
Thanks lampshady. I don't think he would be happy with that either. He says he loves me and enjoys our relationship, he just misses the sex. I genuinely don't know what to think anymore.
Presumably your interest in sex was higher before marriage, or the two of you wouldn't have made the decision to spend the rest of your lives together?
Irene yes it was, as in i did have sex at all. My sex drive was never as high as his.
have you spoken to your GP? some medication can seriously effect libido, perhaps the meds you are on have that effect? there might be something equally effective with lesser side effects
most anxiety medication will zap someones libido. It doesnt pick and choose which sorts of arousal it dampens. I hated sex on my anxiety meds, and love it when im not on them.
Forgotten and branleuese thank you
Yes i had considered my meds weren't helping things. I'm coming off them slowly. I suppose my anxiety in itself would kill libido. I just don't rate sex as important in my life, so many other things are so much more enjoyable/important.
I think if you want to remain marriage then you need to meet in the middle somewhere, but if you don’t then that’s fine. But I think it’s unfair to ask someone to give up sex for the rest of their life at a relatively young age- let him go.
Could it be possible you have trauma related to your pregnancy and birth experience you haven't worked through?
I would see how it goes before making any big decisions if you are coming off the medication.
Thank you everyone for your opinions they all help me think around this problem.
OwnedbySWD I think it's very possible, probably a fact. I don't know how I'd go about working through it now though?
I think that if you're as sure as you can be that the sexual side of your life is over then you should seriously consider splitting up. Read some of the threads in the Relationships section to get a sense of the misery suffered by those (of either sex) whose partner has checked out sexually. It is a really difficult situation for both parties.
Thank you Irene I will read them, that will help give me perspective.
Lots of people recommend therapy, CBT I think they call it? It's worth a try.
I wonder why you felt the need to identify as trans agender, whatever that is? You're a female who has always had a lowish sex drive, who now has zero sex drive, either due to birth trauma or anxiety meds or both. Is that a way of making how you feel more explainable? I wonder if choosing to identify in such a way, rather than as a female who has issues that need to be overcome, is you putting artificial barriers up?
If I'm totally barking up the wrong tree, apologies.
Make sure it’s not the meds.
See a counsellor for the trauma.
If it’s not and you value the connection you have, you have two options. 1. Split up before resentment and bitterness tear you both apart or 2. Look at opening the marriage.
I’m going through a separation from my asexual DP. He didn’t understand his sexuality until after we had kids. It’s not the best fun, HOWEVER there’s no (or not much) anger and no bitterness. In terms of separating with kids, it’s the best option. Once you cross the line and don’t want anything to do with the other parent, the situation changes for the child(ren) involved.
But your situation has two big flags of possible causes. However, it’s totally acceptable too to say that you don’t want sex and as a result you’re not going to try to resolve any trauma that may be linked by going to counselling (for example). As long as you’re clear to your DP.
titchy hi thank you for replying. I don't have an answer to your question. You could be right, I honestly don't know. I read a lot about different sexual identities and a lot of it matched up.
I have never been a typical girl, though, even when I was a kid.
Thatwasnotlove thank you, I really appreciate your sharing your situation with me. You sound as if you've worked through a lot.
I will try counselling again, but focus on possible ptsd. I am perfectly happy most of the time with DP, but not in any sexual way, and I will be sad if we can't resolve this positively.
Getting off the meds is my main goal, I'm tired of relying on them.
You should never have sex if you don’t want it.
Aside from that though it does sound like you have some past trauma from your births and pregnancy that you need to work through. It can make you extremely disconnected to your body and even give you numbness.
I also don’t want to be rude here and i like a pp apologise if I’m barking up the wrong tree but is there any chance you could have asd?
Thank you sentimentallentil. Yes, its absolutely possible, I've never been tested but I share some traits. I'm curious, why do you ask?
OP I wouldn’t label yourself as trans or agender - there are so many factors involved here and sometimes labels can allow you to stop seeking resolution to things that could actually be resolved. I was completely decided that sex wasn’t important to me at all and that I would be happy to go without forever but that feeling didn’t last forever and as soon as my hormones kicked in I felt the need to experience that kind of intimacy again. Not that I’m suggesting you don’t know yourself but just be wary of reading something and thinking that because it describes how you feel now, it’s the ‘right’ label for you. Working through whatever the roots are will benefit you in every aspect of life, not just your marriage. There’s a lot of stuff out there online with an agenda about gender that doesn’t actually help.
I think your DH needs to see a counsellor and talk to someone. Some people would feel used in this scenario (you only had sex with me to conceive and now you've discarded me). Not suggesting this is your marriage, just suggesting he may be bewildered himself and needs a safe place to talk about it, before he can communicate how he feels to you.
Also OP I have ASD and sometimes being touched makes me want to punch DH to get away. Many people with autism struggle with our internal sense of identity and in the past I’ve been influenced by others to identify as something I later realise isn’t right.
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