Dealing with a transgender child who is angry with me

[SerenityMom]

My son who also has some asberger issues dropped a bomb on me this summer by ( with no warning) announcing he is transgender to the entire family. It was litterally, Hey Mom, I want to be a girl as

[Smallblanket]

Loads of us!

If you are in the US - try gendercriticalresources - good forum with lots of good advice and resources. 4thwavenow. Parentsofrogdkids. On the Mumsnet FWR board there's a support thread for parents too.

I think with kids with ASD it can be harder to have good conversations around this issue. I'm not sure I've done anything right, tbh.

Good luck.

[SerenityMom]

thanks so much and I will look at those forums. Feeling overwhelmed by it all so hearing from others going through it will help.

[Gingerkittykat]

Try this thread for parents with children with rapid onset gender dysphoria.

[ReallyLilyReally]

I would imagine that your daughter is mad at you because you're completely ignoring everything she's saying to you and making something difficult and important to her all about how you feel. Support your kid, and see a therapist if you need help with your feelings about this.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

This isn't about you. You said you'd be there with love and support and you've done neither.

This isn't about you or the 'family' - it's about your child.

[Italiangreyhound]

It is very hard and I am sorry you are going through this. Do get some support for yourself OP.

[CatInTheDaytime]

Can you discuss it with him? Listen to him and then take your turn and explain your viewpoint.

I'd ask what he means by "dressing as a girl" because in actual fact there is no such thing. Plenty of women wear basically unisex clothes. have short hair, no make up etc but they are still women so will he be dressing like them? If not, try to help him to see that dressing like a gender stereotype is not the same thing as being a woman.

I'd be happy for him to wear whatever he likes, as many women do. That's his choice. What he wears has nothing to do with being a woman.

I'd also make clear that lots of people feel like this especially at the moment, and there are some mixed messages out there so it can be confusing. But there are quite a few people who felt like this then changed their minds, so that's why it's often a good idea to think it through and take things slowly.

You can listen respectfully and still have your own thoughts on the matter.

[CallofDoodee]

I would imagine that your daughter is mad at you because you're completely ignoring everything she's saying to you and making something difficult and important to her all about how you feel. Support your kid, and see a therapist if you need help with your feelings about this.

Daughter.... FFS.

I do think you have to keep this about your son and not about you. You talk a lot about the family needing time and you grieving etc but he is only 17 and still probably needs you to guide him. I would probably allow him to explore dressing differently, even changing the name, but still make it clear that he cannot change sex. No matter what anyone online or in real life tells him, it's impossible, he is male. Discuss with him the reasons he feels this way, does his body feel 'wrong' to him, this is normal at his age, are his friends all transitioning, does he just like feminine clothes? That's cool, but it doesn't make him a girl. What sort of transition does he want to make? Is he aware of the irreversible life changing implications of hormones and surgery?

Transgender Trend is a good resource I think.

[BelleSausage]

This is so hard. Just keep talking to your child Ask questions about feelings. Theirs, not yours.

Have they said anything specific yet other than about clothes and social transition? They can wear whatever they like. They’re 17. Give the freedom to explore this. And introduce the concept of gender non-conforming men- Bowie, Boy George, etc

Talk about how gender is just a societal construction and they can create their own gender identity that suits them- not just stuck with female vs. Male binary.

And if they start to talk about surgery and hormones then I’d start looking at detransitioner stories. So many go through with this and then regret it later when they are infertile and have had countless irreversible operations.

[Italiangreyhound]

Excellent post CatInTheDaytime.

It is a out him, not you but your feelings count too. Espceially if be expects you to see him as a woman.

When the young person in put family came out we all struggled and ignored it. We all hoped it would go away but it did not.

Then I realised if I caught against it and no ds were changed, I may not be told. So slowly the situation was accepted but we all still hope it proves to be a fad. I wouldn't say that. Of course.

[Italiangreyhound]

About him...

[Italiangreyhound]

Then I realised if I faught against it and minds were changed, I may not be told.