12-year-old DS is cross dressing

[WoIsMe]

My DS lost his Nintendo 3DS so I went into his bedroom today to try to help him find it. I pulled a plastic storage box off the shelf and he immediately grabbed it to try to stop me from opening it. Inside was a pair of my knickers and one of my bras. I asked him whether he had been wearing them and he said yes. I closed up the box again and told him that cross dressing was normal and nothing to be embarrassed about, and gave him a hug.

What are my next steps? I know next to nothing about cross dressing. He's clearly mortified but I think it's something that we need to talk about. I'm not comfortable with him taking my clothes to wear so I need to set that boundary. I would prefer to buy him his own things that will fit and be comfortable, and to his own taste, rather than him wear my old and well-worn undies! I think I also need to know whether he feels like he wants to wear women's clothes, or just underwear.

Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer some advice?

[Manclife1]

I’d be having a chat with him first. He may have been experimenting rather than actually wanting to x-dress. Buying him his own stuff might make him feel obligated to wear it.

[WoIsMe]

Thanks Manclife. I will do that. I'm hesitant to offer to buy him clothes because I don't want to drive him towards something that may be a temporary thing. On the other hand I think it's vital he knows he has someone on his side who doesn't think it's anything to be ashamed of, and is supportive of him. He's never shown any gender nonconforming behaviour of any sort in the past - not even asking for a doll or girls' dress up costumes like his brothers have. So I'm guessing puberty is behind this new urge.

[multiplemum3]

It's good you're supportive but stealing underwear would be a massive boundary for me. Ask him what he wants you to do regarding clothes

[Herland]

It may be the fact that the underwear is yours (or simply not his) that he wanted to experience. Talk to him if he is comfortable or give him the opportunity to talk it through with a neutral person.

[BedraggledBlitz]

To be totally honest I think I would just ignore it and let him explore in his private time. You've told him it's no problem, I think that's all he needs to know. Now he will know he can talk to you if he wants to.

[Bluerussian]

You'd be surprised how many young chaps try on women's clothes for a laugh or to see what it feels like. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a dedicated cross dresser.

[Soontobe60]

I think you need to tread very carefully here. You're assuming he is wearing your underwear because he might want to be a girl. However, he might be wearing it for a very different reason. Lots of men get a sexual thrill from women's underwear, and this could be the case here too. I'm not sure what to suggest, only you know how open the relationship is between the two of you. Whatever the reason, he's probably mortified that youve found it and may not want to talk about it

[WoIsMe]

Josephine I started this thread because I don't know what to do that's in my DS's best interests. I don't want him to wear my clothes but I don't want to stop him from cross dressing if it's something he wants to experiment with or if it's something he feels he needs to do.

[BigusBumus]

He's 12! Before you dive in labelling him as anything at all, just leave him be. Perhaps he was just curious about ladies things, perhaps it was a more about masterbation than cross dressing. You will be more supportive by letting him get in with growing up.

[DontCallMeShitley]

Let him keep the ones he has taken but tell him not to take any more of your things.

Give him time to work out what he is feeling.

[WoIsMe]

Well that's why I asked on an anonymous forum rather than asking my mum friends on the school run. I tried looking online before I started this thread but all the information I could find was about trans people.

[Atalune]

Do nothing.

You’ve hugged him. Made it clear it’s not a problem.

Now doing nothing is doing something.

[WoIsMe]

Good to know. Thank you Josepheen.

[cantfindname]

Agree with Josepheen. Say your piece and then leave it unless he brings up the topic himself.

He must be acutely embarrassed and right now will be anxious to say what he thinks are the 'right things' to you so a conversation will not be useful.

[Frusty]

Is cross dressing “normal”? As in something a large number of boys do? I have no idea, though as I have sons it would be good to be prepared!

[MenstruatorExtraordinaire]

Very intrusive IMO. Let the boy have his boundaries and his privacy. I certainly wouldn't be buying him female underwear that fits him.

[AnnaMagnani]

I'd let him have his boundaries but you are also entitled to yours - which involves an explanation that he can't take your underwear to dress up in.

[MenstruatorExtraordinaire]

Frusty I have 3 boys. They've each gone through a cross dressing phase when younger. I don't know that I'd even call it cross dressing. I just looked on it as exploring the world around them. I didn't encourage or discourage or make any kind of deal about it. And each of them in their own time moved on. That's partly why I question this new rush to force or affirm cross gender identities on children.

[WoIsMe]

We're they in puberty at the time Menstruator?

[LornaMumsnet]

Hello all

We're getting some reports about this thread, so we're just popping by to let everyone know that the OP has been around for many, many years. We can't vouch for anyone but we don't have any concerns about this at the moment.

Just a quick reminder - please do report concerns to us, rather than air them on the boards.

[TopBitchoftheWitches]

You didn't notice your underwear missing?

[Miniloso]

I would just reassure him, tell him that he can confide in you or tell you anything if he wants, whenever he wants. He may have just been masturbating with them, or maybe he did try them on. Kids explore in many different ways, and thar might be all it was.

You sound like you did the right thing. I wouldn’t take it any further apart from another brief chat letting him know he can talk to you anytime.