My teen doesn’t want to live with me anymore

[Fairy8963]

Hi,
I need some advice please! I have 2 kids with my ex, 14 and 8. Been divorced 5 years. Kids always see dad, 2 nights a week and holidays etc. Never stopped him and actually encourage it. He is a very unreasonable man and we’ve had many arguements, the last one resulted in me getting a non molestation order against him (emotional, verbal and physiological abuse) now that is in place he refuses to communicate with me at all, he is allowed to the order doenst prohibit contact. He pays a solicitor to handle everything!!! Most of our disagreements come about money, he’s self employed, cooking his books, pays a pittance child support , the usual. Now the CMS are investigating his business for fraud and it hasn’t gone down well with him.
My 14 year old is a daddy’s girl but we always had a strong relationship until she hit her teens. She has massive anger and emotional problems and I’m seeking medical help for her, as all signs point to adhd. This help has been slow going tho, and nothing that her dad has wanted to get on board with.

Cut a long story short- she came home last week and we had a huge row about something and it ended up with her storming out. Her behaviour was off the scale and I admit I didn’t deal with it well. Since then she has made the decision to go live with her dad. No warning, no previous talk about it. Said she’s wanted it for ages and is fed up of being in the middle of our fights (I agree, she shouldn’t be)

I received a solicitors letter at 5.30 pm on Thursday saying that with immediate effect she would live with him and he was collecting her from school the next day (my day with her) and he would be in touch later this week to discuss when I can see her. I am absolutely dum founded that he can just do that!!!
But I know the law, we don’t have court ordered arrangements (we haven’t needed it, I don’t withhold the kids from him)
He has parental responsibility and apparently this is what she wants. But I’m still in shock that he can just take her, without even talking to me!!
I don’t agree of course, she left with the clothes on her back and has not been home. He lives 12 miles from us and her school.
I believe this is a tactic from him to avoid the child support quite frankly as he’s never paid any interest int he kids wellbeing. He’s not even home most days the kids visits, his mum does all the care and picking up.
I feel he is brainwashing my daughter, and she’s very confused. I called to ask when she is coming to see me, and he was in the background telling her what to say and she said I need to speak to dads solicitor!!! We have a day out planned next week and I asked her if she still wants to come and she said yes, he said something in the background and then she said no, you have to wait for dads solicitor to tell you if I can go or not!!!
I’m at a complete loss. I don’t understand what’s driven her to make this decision. I am willing to communicate with my ex and do what’s best for her, but he won’t talk to me. I do not want to deal with his solicitor, had many issues in the past and I’ve put a complaint against her for breaking resolutions code of conduct. And he bully’s me via her, he uses it as a way to create conflict and argue about all sorts which is unnecessary.
I do not want this to get to court. I have no doubt it will becuase that’s how my ex works. Would rather fight and win, than negotiate and compromise. I know I need to play the long game and slowly coax her back, becuase I know she will hate living with him. He’s so controlling and she’ll be isolated from her friends.
Any advice ? Thanks

[donajimena]

There is little point taking it to court due to her age. Upsetting as it is I'd just do nothing other than reassure your daughter that there is always space for her at your home. Its a case of the grass is greener for both of them.

[Fairy8963]

I though that too. I’ve reached out to her and let her know she is welcome and that I love her. I know she needs space to clear her head. But I’m so concerned with how he is controlling her, telling her what to say, putting me down and making her hate me. I fear parental alienation 😔

[MrsChollySawcutt]

Given her age, I think you have to let her go and stay with Dad as it's what she says she wants. Forcing her to stay against her will is not going to help fix your relationship with her.

[HollowTalk]

Think of it as you having a break for now. She will be back - she won't be able to stand living with him after a while.

I would talk to school and see whether they have someone who can talk things through with her, particularly the fact he's isolating and controlling her.

It's every single mum's nightmare - so sorry you're going through this.

[HollowTalk]

Be careful when you send her messages - always be upbeat. Talk about things you're doing that you know she'll like. Ask her if she's watching whatever on television. Don't argue with her about being with her dad. Basically don't give her any ammunition at all.

[MrsChollySawcutt]

Hopefully she will soon find out that the grass isn't greener and be back to you a bit older and wiser.

[Doyoumind]

Yes, court won't help here because of her age but also it's got nothing to do with his solicitor or him, really, when she sees you.

He's not being fair to your 8 year old by splitting up the family like this and limiting contact with your DD and that is potentially a matter to address with his solicitor and the court.

[DorasBob]

Send her a text saying you understand she needs some time away, and that you love her to bits and will always be here for her.
Then send her a cheerful, loving text every few days.
At this age she has to come back to you willingly, don’t let your ex realise how much it’s bothering you. If he only pays a small amount in maintence then it will probably balance out.

[SummerStrong]

When you get to see her you need to sit her down and make sure she understands the following facts:

1. you love her very much
   
2. you miss her
   
3. she is always welcome to come home to you.
   
4. mothers and teenage daughters do argue, it is normal.
   
5. sometimes adults make mistakes and don't handle situations well, it doesn't mean you don't love her.
   
   Try to spend quality time with her and keep reminding her of the facts above.

[Fairy8963]

Thankyou everyone for your advice , it’s really helpful 😊x

[delilahbucket]

I don't have much more to add than what had been good advice so far, but you may find when he has to put his hand in his pocket to feed and clothe her and take her to and from school every day (a 12 mile journey is a real trek and it's a toss up as to who gets bored of it first), he's less keen for her to live with him. Definitely make contact with her school and tell them what is happening.

[ivykaty44]

Write to your daughter and let her know that anytime she wants to call, visits or return she is welcome, make this very clear.

That is all you can do as she is 14 years old and able to make her own mind up

As for the day out planned, let her know she’s welcome to come along if she is allowed to but you understand if she can’t make it

Sit back and let things make their own natural course...

[Aprilshowersnowastorm]

Op, my ds did exactly the same at 14!!Was in trouble left right and centre and df with the' no rule 'home was a more appealing prospect.
Lasted a year and he is nc with his df now after realising he actually did need a parent +parenting!!
It's tough I won't lie, but trust yourself and your parenting - and trust me your relationship will come good on time.

[DorasBob]

Yeah, remeber OP, he gets all of the teenage stress/expense/grunt work.
Have a rest and let your DD know you love her

[choli]

I don't have much more to add than what had been good advice so far, but you may find when he has to put his hand in his pocket to feed and clothe her and take her to and from school every day (a 12 mile journey is a real trek and it's a toss up as to who gets bored of it first), he's less keen for her to live with him. Definitely make contact with her school and tell them what is happening.

100% this. Let him deal with the logistics of getting her to and from school, and let her deal with the consequences of it. Don't bombard her with texts and phone calls, let her get in contact with you.

My guess is that she will be back within two weeks.

[Fairy8963]

Thanks for all your messages. I received a email today from his solicitor saying he doesn’t think it’s in her best interests tobhave any contact with me, and he’s now applied to the court to get residency. It has been now all of 5 days since he took her. Absolutely no attempt to speak to me, make an agreement , nothing. He’s just bulldozing it to court!! I texted her and she’s saying she doenst want to talk to me!! I’m devastated. She left here on Tuesday and we were on ok terms. She was ok, now she hates me and doesn’t want to see me until the court process is over!!! That could take months!!! I don’t know what to do

[Fattymcfaterson]

Honestly, I think you need to change your mindset on this.
He didn't take her. She left, and she will come back if she wants to. Just keep sending her texts to show you care and so she knows she can come back if she wants to

[RedHelenB]

You text her and say you love her and will always be there for her. If he takes it to court say you would love to have her live with you as would her sibling but that you understand she is old enough to make up her own mind doing.

[Aprilshowersnowastorm]

Cold turkey op.
Ime she is in for a huge shock being ft with him.
Back away and be patient.
Trust me.
Xx

[Snog]

You could send her a care package in the post to show that you care. The kind of thing parents send to kids at uni.

For my dd this would contain bath bombs, marzipan fruits, new socks and Victoria's Secret pants!

[ivykaty44]

Really this is going to court? Why can’t the dd just choose whom she lives with? The judge won’t want to get involved will they? At 14 she can make her own choices

I’d let your dd know your door is open and you’ll always be delighted to see her. Then sit back lick your wounds and concentrate on your other dc

A solicitor advice no contact with one parent seems very dubious...

I bet you within a few months your ex will be tearing his hair out with teenage antics

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

Do you have contact details for any of her good friends at school?
Don't harass them but just tell them to let her know she's always welcome home

[endofthelinefinally]

I would keep every single bit of correspondence from your ex and his solicitor. Give copies to the school and to CAMHS.
I agree you can't do anything other than what pps have advised, but those documents could be important in future if her mental health worsens.

[endofthelinefinally]

Will he ensure she attends school and medical appointments?
Perhaps you should remind him of the importance of this. Or his solicitor should.

[MrsChollySawcutt]

I would wait a while before sending a care package. It's a lovely idea but at this stage could be seen as being manipulative.