Your wit is required!!Smart answers needed please, i'm too tired to think of a good response...

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

Hello, I have just had a horrible morning with my middle 2, ds1 is nearly 2, not very verbal and slap bang in the middle of the " lay down on the floor and scream" phase if things aren't going his way. dd2 is 4 and not very well, ds2 is 15 weeks and vomits copiously and randomly, so I thought I was actually doing really well this morning to drop dd1 at school at get to my appt with the bank on time.

dd2 and ds1 were not doing anything really naughty they were being a bit pesky and I was reigning their more excitable moments, I had taken some toys in to keep them amused, but the 10 minute appt dragged on for over an hour. So you can imagine they were getting fed up. ( so was I!)

I had 2 people say to me in a very negative way "oh dear you've got your hands full".

It happened both times today when ds1 was stropping because I wouldn't let him keep pushing the "open door" button. The other 2 children were happy and well behaved at that moment iykwim, so it was just one child having a momentary rah. Why do people feel the need to make the comment? Its the inferance that i've bitten off more than I can chew that irritates me (especially when I only have 3 out of 4 with me).

Anyone else feel like this? And whats your best reply?....

[Doodlez]

Is it not just a way of showing some solidarity - like, "I remember this phase & I sympathise!" ?

If not - pithy reply...."What amkes you say that?"

[MrsBadger]

'Why, yes. Yes, I do have my hands full. Well spotted. And your point was?'

[juuule]

Erm, you did have your hands full though didn't you? and it sounds as though you dealt with it admirably.

Why do you think the comments were said in a negative way? Or do you think that you might be a bit sensitive and that was your interpretation?

I know I have been sensitive in the past to comments when they were really meant to express understanding of the situation I was in. I think we can beat ourselves up a bit at times and interpret some (not all) comments in a completely different way to how they were intended.

Now, I would probably shrug the comment off with a 'yes, it's one of those days it seems' or some such.

Don't let it upset you. As with everything else, it will pass(seems to be my mantra for most things).

[Jo5677]

I get that comment made often when i'm just out with 2 of my children (espec i suppose 'cos ones in a wheelchair), when i do i usually just smile and reply 'this is the easy bit,i've got to pick my other 3 up from school yet'.Although i'm often tempted to exagerate and say seven !
It doesn't always work but i find a big smile often disarms people who are about to make any negative inferances. I think it's cos when you're nice to people they often feel obliged to be nice back. It's that or me smiling despite the chaos around me makes them think i'm a bit loopy and they think better of saying anything to me lol

[Mamazontopofsantabeingrude]

yes indeed. its a nightmare having such beautifull children.

[LongStory]

I get that sort of comment when I'm out with either the baby twins, or the older three. (People are too scared to say much when are all 5 with me, which is rare anyway given the logistics). I have been known to say "well I'll never be lonely, or die alone and be eaten by my dog in a flat." I would also be pretty sharp with any bank employee who wasted my time like that.

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly!

[kittywise]

You do though. I don't see the problem.

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

Hi everybody, thanks for the responces, I think the thing is that to me, its not a solidarity thing at all, solidarity is when someone says ( admittedly is often a little old lady in a funny hat and a quavery voice -I seem to attract them ..) "oh I remember when I had all five at home, there all the same you know, it gets easier you'll see"

The whole "oh dear, you've got your hands full" comment seems really negative to me, Would be a bit like saying "gosh well you're making a pigs ear of that aren't you"? or stating the obvious when someones having a difficult time

"My goodness, I don't think you really wanted to lock your keys and mobile inside your car did you!"

It reminds me of the harry enfield sketch " I don't think you wanted to do that!" iykwim?

It is a struggle sometimes for all of us mums no matter how many we've got, I think to me that particular comment accompanied by a glare will always be a public voicing of my shortcomings regarding my childrens behaviour....

Too sensitive probably

Thanks everybody..

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

sorry meant to say, love the eaten by dog and beautiful children replies

[KristinaM]

i agree with the posters who says its usually a solidarity comment. i get it all the time [delinquent kids emoticon]

[RorysRacingReindeer]

It drives me nuts - perhaps because it's blindingly obvious and actually i don't think it's so bad. i mean some parents have their hands full with one child.

I wanted a pithy comment to make but like someone else said disarming with a smile is the best option.

i think people just say it to be 'pleasant/conversational' and have no idea how rude it can appear.

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

I just don't get that its a solidarity thing, it just seems so negative, I'm promising myself that when I'm a batty old bird with a funny hat I'll say something positive to the harrased looking mum whose covered in vom.

[paisleyleaf]

Oh no, this is the sort of thing I'll say when I'm trying to be friendly.

[BalloonSlayer]

I have three DCs, it's the sort of thing I'd say to someone with four DCs and expect someone with two DCs to say to me.

That's a generalisation BTW, before everyone jumps on me; I just think it's a comment that says: "You have more to cope with than I do At This Moment In Time."

I wouldn't be offended by it, although I can imagine if said in a sneery tone in your circumstances I might want to have said:

" Well, yes, I wouldn't have brought them with me but this was supposed to be a 10 minute appointment,not a 60 minute one. But I suppose you've got your hands full, and can't be expected to do what you have promised, eh?"

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

oh dear, but tell me, is it being friendly to point out that someone looks like their not very in control of their children? I just think its one of those phrases that we all know and trot out at the apropriate moment without really thinking about what it means.

I accept that some of the people who say this are kind of trying to bond with you, but that particular phase just seems so negative to my toddler trampled senses...

People only come out with that line when you are having a particularly bad day and its like being kicked when you are down iykwim?

[LongStory]

my main problem with the 'you've got your hands full comment' is not that it's meant unkindly, but that it's SOOO boring and unoriginal. On a par with 'so how many weeks are you now?', or 'might it be teething'. AAARRRGGGHHH.
Please!... if people feel the need to comment on family size, could they apply their brains and say something more interesting/original/amusing, like 'wow, the family dynamics must be amazing when there are lots of close age children', or 'have you considered starting up a diploma in laundry management'?

rant over

[juuule]

Longstory - do you also find someone saying 'good morning' boring, too
I've found that most of the time these comments are just a way of someone trying to be friendly and acknowledging another person.

Would it be better if people just said nothing and completely ignored you (yes, I know there are times when that would be preferable). Sometimes though, it's quite nice that someone has acknowledged that you might be having a bit of a tough day wrangling children. I've also found that it's sometimes a way of trying to put you at ease that you or your children are not upsetting people and that the situation is understood.

[LongStory]

You're spot on, juuule, I'm afraid I do have a rather low boredom threshold! Can just about cope with 'good morning', usually - and would definitely prefer an attempt at acknowledgement over being ignored.

I know my older children are quite proud of being part of a large family, as it makes them feel unusual/special in our 2+2 society. They quite like comments, and have been known to pull me up if I'm short with people.

[paisleyleaf]

I don't think "you've got you're hands full" necessarily means they think any less of you. It might even be in awe of your multi tasking skills. And, like Juuule says, it's a way of letting you know you're situation is understood.
I do often say boring things things just to be friendly, like 'cor, weather's turned cold then' or 'how many weeks are you now'?

[LongStory]

don't worry, paisleyleaf, I think I'm in the minority on this. sometimes people have been known to find me a little scary! But parenting a large (or any) family is sometimes a teensy bit repetitive, and I do find it such a delight to have a witty conversation in real life (as opposed to MN where it can usually be found). But those conversations rarely start with 'my, you've got your hands full....'

[LastOfTheMulledWine]

I think I'll just stop saying things to other people. I would say that sort of thing as a show of solidarity, an acknowledgment that I understand how hard it can be sometimes.

Maybe we should all stop reaching out to others who are struggling or showing an interest in somebody's pregnancy lest we bore somebody.

Let's not talk to fellow human beings. MN should probably be banned.

[BackUpYourPhotosNow]

Saying to people who are toddler wrangling and trying very hard to cope in a difficult situation that they "have their hands full" is not reaching out to somebody who is struggling in a helpful and positive way. That statement is in no way designed to help them or make them feel better. Its a verbalisation that they they are struggling and look like they are struggling which belive me is not helpful - quite the opposite. Personally I think its on a par with telling a perfect stranger that their shoes don't match their coat. Obvious and rude.

If you want to engage a harrassed, busy barely coping mum, if you want to support her and show solidarity why not try, saying something like, Toddlers, they're all the same, you didn't break his banana did you??

In fact anything but the hands full comment....

Sorry, rant over

[NellyTheElephant]

I know the 'hands full' comment can be a bit irritating, but I do think that it is generally well meant rather than critical. I get it pretty much every morning from someone or other - I take DD1 (who is 4 and in reception) to school on the bus, DD2 and DS with me (aged 2 and 8 months). DS usually in the sling and the girls usually trying to bag the back seats. It is definitely quite hard work negotiating the rush hour bus especially as the DDs are usually pretty bouncy and in high spirits (!) at that time of day, hence the hands full comments. Usually if I smile and say 'yes I certainly do' they will smile back and start chatting to me or talking to the girls / smiling at the baby etc, so in my experience it is usually an opener from someone who would quite like to be friendly or show solidarity etc but doesn't know what to say.

[nighbynight]

I just nod tiredly.

[norfolkBRONZEturkey]

I had just the baby with me the other day
he was in a sling and I had a car seat and a bag too just getting on a train
'be thankful you just have the one' hahahaa