Brand new to this forum, pretty desperate for some help on things I hope some people can relate to.
We (my wife and I) were told with as much certainty as possible that we'd be unable to conceive. It's an issue on my side, we've tried everything (including 2 attempts at surgery to extract etc.).
We suspected it might have been the case but when we found out for certain, we started on the sperm donor route. We got as far as choosing the donor, and then decided it wasn't right for us. Something didn't feel right about it (I won't go into it for the sake of keeping this post brief as poss).
Then we started on the adoption route, for one reason or another had to put that on hold. And the relief my wife felt from putting on hold caused concern. We felt comfort in not having to face the fact or go through it, we got to box it away and get on with the other aspects of life.
This is kind of why I need help. We're really busy with various bits, we're career driven, we have great social lives etc. we're really, really lucky in all other aspects of life and so we have all the distractions we need to effectively box this grief away and not have to face it. But the truth is we can't do that forever, we will run out of time. And it's not healthy (as far as I know to box it away). But my wife doesn't feel there's any other way to deal with it. I am incredibly supportive and I appreciate how we could be in different places with this, I just want her to be happy and hate the idea of her finding this too tough to deal with.
We are of the age were a lot of our friends and family are starting announce pregnancies and it brings about a lot of emotion, particularly for my wife since she suddenly has no choice but to face it. The problem is that not facing it seems to be the only route for her, since neither donor or adoption are 'the answer'. I think adoption sat a lot easier with us, it's something we're going to resume but I want us to be in a good place before we pick that back up. It's important for us and it's important for the child that's placed.
So a few questions, first of all I hate seeing her that way - is it possible anyone has experience with feeling that incredible amount of grief and feeling it impossible without a solution, but somehow feeling better later on in life?
How did you feel when you had your children by other means? Was it always there in your mind and made you sad forever? Or are you so occupied with the love you have for your 2 or 3 children that it hardly crosses your mind? Be honest please, I'm happy to hear the truth no matter how tough.
If you've been in this situation before what advice can you give? How does it (or could it possibly) ever get better?
I have my own feelings to contend with, the guilt etc. but I want to stay focused on how my wife feels for now since she needs the help. I am booking in with a professional this week but I think a lot of good can come from hearing from you guys that might have been in this situation too.
Sorry for the big post!
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Any insight to help my wife out really, really appreciated
29 replies
DZooNW · 02/03/2020 12:28
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