don't like my job, want to be at home, worried about the implications...HELP

[jeangenie]

I am in a real dilemma and would appreciate any thoughts/experiences
We have two DDs, one 4 about to start recep in January, 2nd 20mths (how did that happen?)
I work 4 d a week (compressed into 3.5 long days, one of which is at home so I can see the kids)
I've always worked outside the home, mostly in an industry/role that doesn't really excite or stimulate me but pays the most of anything i feel qualified to do. 3 years ago I started a job with a small company in a demanding role. it's really too demanding to do part time (i've tried it 3 d a week which did suit me better but was difficult as my workload doesn't change and I just end up more stressed), things aren't helped by the fact that I am under motivated (variety of reasons, including being on 80% salary for 6 of the last 12 month due to company financal problems)- apart from the salary my benefits and pension are non-existent
I've felt hugely guilty about being back at work since I went back after DD2. The company insisted I come back p/t after 4.5 months and maybe that was just too early, I don't know. I think that having DD2 and DD1 being nearly starting reception has also made me supremely concious of how fleeting these early years are and how much I am missing out on...(we have good childcare so the kids probably aren't missing out on too much, I am not sure what the latest research is on this !!!)
anyway, I was talking about this with DH, its been on my mind a lot, and he says that since I've been exploring the same emotions for over a year now (ie pretty much since going back after DD2 mat leave) it's obviously very important to me and I should resign.Have to say he has been on at me to leave the company (although his idea was that I'd get another job) since the 80% thing started as he thinks it is a complete piss take. Anyway...(sorry about the long and garbled nature of this, it's pretty stream of consciousness i am afraid, I'm feeling sick just thinking about it all)
if i gave upwork we'd be broke, not literally but we'd be surviving on one (not mega high but reasonable enough in principle) salary and we are in London with a large London mortgage.DH salary isn't going to get much bigger (he is an academic)
we'd probably just about scrape through from month to month if we put the mortgage on interest only and cut back everywhere and on everything...
I have never liked the industry/job I do particularly - it's a project mamagement role in IT and my real love is creative stuff, art and crafts, handmade objects, retro design blah blah doesn't pay the bills stuff. I have degrees in both computer science and fine art (long story) but obviously the IT won in terms of financial stability for my career so far.
What is the point of this post? well,obviously, I need someone to tell me what to do...
my heart tells me to quit (yes I worry about going a bit barmy as a sahm (no offence tosahm, it's just everyone goes on about the lack of intellectual stimulation etc, can't see it myself, not with the lot I work with anyway, the DDs will be a step in the right direction!) but after a bit of uncomfortable self analyis I guess I realise I have always been a very safe, sensible sort and it feels a bit like falling off a very high diving board to think seriously about giving up this career. I worry that maybe I'd think I ad made a mistake and wouldn't be able to get a job again, but tbh I don't want to work in this industry, I just do it for the money and at the moment that's not great. I don't want to change jobs in the same industry as I am feeling more and more that now is the time to take some timeoff, spend it with the kids, enjoy them a bit more, support DD1 in the move to school and think about what I REALLY want to do with the rest of my life. But I am almost 38 so it all feels a bit scary...what if I still don't know in three years time and we are in debt and I am frazzled and even more stressed by the money stuff

I probably shouldn't post this, it is late and the post islong and rambling...

still, maybe it'll strike a chord with someone who'll be able to tell me what to do
fingers crossed...

[mancmum]

I work in IT management so know where you are coming from... am 41 and feel the same as you ..

I would stop work for a bit, then if you are skint or unhappy, take a short term contract doing PM work - loads exist but it gives you no real responsibility and loads of time to really think abot what you want to do.. my dh does not earn enough yet for me to do this but once he does, that is my plan... if I do 1 contract a year, it leaves me with enough time to do my art and phtography and spend time with kids..

[handlemecarefully]

I quit work Dec '05 - dd was 3 and a half and due to start Reception in Sept 2006 (and ds was 1 and a half). It was a well paid professional role - but I no longer felt stimuated by it, and also, like you, felt the early years rolling by and was motivated by a desire to spend more time with dd in particular, ( before she started school).

This past year hasn't always been easy - but I haven't regretted it.

The intellectual stimulation thing (or lack of) as a SAHM is something of a red herring imo. I found even in my professional role - frankly it wasn't mentally stretching (I had done it for so long). There are other outlets for the grey matters as a SAHM - if you care to pursue them.

Like you I toyed with the idea of giving up work for well over a year before I took the plunge. In the event I didn't find it such a herculean leap.

[handlemecarefully]

I quit work Dec '05 - dd was 3 and a half and due to start Reception in Sept 2006 (and ds was 1 and a half). It was a well paid professional role - but I no longer felt stimuated by it, and also, like you, felt the early years rolling by and was motivated by a desire to spend more time with dd in particular, ( before she started school).

This past year hasn't always been easy - but I haven't regretted it.

The intellectual stimulation thing (or lack of) as a SAHM is something of a red herring imo. I found even in my professional role - frankly it wasn't mentally stretching (I had done it for so long). There are other outlets for the grey matters as a SAHM - if you care to pursue them.

Like you I toyed with the idea of giving up work for well over a year before I took the plunge. In the event I didn't find it such a herculean leap.

[handlemecarefully]

Sorry !

[jeangenie]

do you think there are lots of PM contracts you could get if you came back after a couple of years out? I don't have any official pm training, but have worked in various such roles for the past 8 years, including 3years at a major blue chip (although was out for a year on mat leave) - I just never feel confident about my abilities - probably because I am never giving it 100% as I am bored witless
will look into the PM contracting side of things (do you have any good links?). have far too much responsibility and stress at work these days, for far too little financial or other reward

thanks for the post, hope you get it sorted too

[jeangenie]

last post was in reple to mancmum, didn't expect many people up reading long wittering posts like mine at this hour

HMC - thanks for that. did you have financial struggles or was that not an issue for you? tbh that's what I am most dreading, I feel fairly confident i can keep the grey matter in an ok state without going into an office full of blokes one of whom pinned a lap dancing promo thing to our kitchen noticeboard recently (sorry, I digress)

[handlemecarefully]

Ah well there I am not qualified to comment because 'no' financial struggles weren't really an issue...however, if you can make it work on a budget (and you seem to think you can albeit with reservations) and you have your dh's 100% backing on this (as you seem to....)....

I don't know I am out of my depth on this part of the equation....Have you looked at your budget to identify items of discretionary expenditure which could go without too much pain?

[jeangenie]

we did a review of finances about a year ago, I need to do another. tbh i just feel like I want to do it and we'll just have to cut the cloth. it doesn't feel like we do much discretionary spending at the moment but I am sure there are ways and means, as long as we are prepared to take them...DH is supportive, he does a job he loves and that's very important to him. I am worried I'll regret it forever if DD2 ends up at school too and I've only spent a day a week with her until then (with most of that spent trying to do chores!)

[handlemecarefully]

In that case (your last sentence) I really think you should quit your job!

[handlemecarefully]

Got to go to bed now, ...mumsnet is slowing down now due to lateness of the hour. If you want other people to contribute their thoughts to your thread, try bumping it back into Active Conversations tomorrow morning (or rather later this morning). You should get some more feedback that way

Night!

[mancmum]

Just to answer your question to me yes, I think you will be able to get some contracts, especially as you live in London I have a couple of friends who have PM experience without any actual qualifications and they get contracts very easily.. why not call a few agencies? I know having PRINCE quals helps even more so you could study for that very part time whilest you were at home if you felt need to keep skills up to date..

I would give up work if I were you you can cope financially and nothing needs to be for ever if it does not work, you have skills to take you into paid work to tide you over... you should be thinkin more about what you really want to do ... I would advise career counselling -- I found that very useful...

good luck!

[mancmum]

or have you looked at other companies? My job is bearable as it gives me lots of flexibility with the hours.. I can take kids to school and work from home 3 days per week and then pick them up -- I usually finish at 5 and then do a couple of extra hours in evenin when they are in bed.. Then 2 days a week, I travel.. so in effect I see loads of them and do not feel that I have compromised my time with them when they are little too much.. Money is OK and I get 8 weeks leave a year..

Your present company is taking the p massively -- I would have left that one but not given up on finding a compromise.. ( I have to admit I am no good at living on limited cash and so I could not give up work to spend time with the kids if I was then worried about money as I do like to be able to spend money on things like days out and holidays and the odd treats without it causing financial problems... we are all different on that one ...)

[Judy1234]

May be change jobs first and try full time for a bit and see if that is better. Or persuade your husband to get a job better paid than his academic one which would also solve your problem.

[jeangenie]

dh loves his job and I wouldn't want him to change it - he is well paid for that sector and unqualified to do anything else really - so that's out

I don't really want to change jobs in this sector - I think I want out, but to keep my options open in case I change my mind

mancmum - good thinking on the prince quals while off, that would make me feel i wasn't closing any doors
career counselling - sounds like something i need - will see what I can find out
I'm not sure how good I'll be with no money to play with, but would be prepared to give it a whirl for a while at least

right - off to check london pm contracts, price up prince quals and look into career counselling

thanks, keep 'em coming!

[jeangenie]

my sister also suggested I go full time - but that's just what I don't want - I want to work LESS not more

ideally I'd work 2d per week, but PM jobs in IT are hard to find on that basis

[mcnoodle]

jeangenie

I think you need to follow your heart on this one. If DH is supportive he must believe that, financially, you will be ok.

You don't want to regret not spending time with dc's while they are so dependent. Work is a good option if you enjoy it enough to offset the guilt/worry/missing them stuff, but if you're not, it can feel utterly soul destroying.

I have just made the decision to leave very stressful pt job. The prospects are great there, and I am in a position of authority etc, but I am just not happy. I am doing a full time job in pt hours and I hate it. I can;t afford to stop work completely, but have decided to go and work for an old employer that I loved working for, on pt hours in a job that is possibly a dead end in terms of career. But, it will give me more time with ds and, emotionally I will be much happier. It was a hard decision to make, but in the end I followed my instincts/heart.

It feels good!!!!

Good luck.

[jeangenie]

mcnoodle - that sounds great, hope it works out for you
I think I might well follow my heart, but do need a bit more hard financial analysis first - DH is supportive but he has no idea about money really. However on the plus side he'll be happy to tighten belts. He is not a bloke with hugely expensive tastes/habits...

mancmum - your job sounds ideal - are your kids in full time school then?

[jeangenie]

mcnoodle - what you said about work being a good option if you enjoy it enough to offset the negative stuff really rang true btw

[Rookietherednosedreindeer]

Jeangenie have you had a look to see if there is anything p/t anywhere else or even apply for f/t positions and see if they can be done flexibly.

To me it doesn't seem as if you should stay where you are but unfortunately it is easier to find jobs that you can already do so maybe a more genuinely p/t role in the same sector would be an option rather than going straight into SAHM as you appear to be concerned about that.

Also you said you spent most of your day off doing chores, thats one thing you can change instantly. Use the fact you have two incomes to pay for a cleaner, get the ironing done, buy more ready meals at least that way you will have more time for your children on that day.

I know exactly where you are coming from as I am going back soon DS 8mths and they would not agree any less than 4 days with no reduction in duties, but luckily its a big organisation so I can have a look out for job shares etc when I get back.

[Judy1234]

Yes but some people are never happy whatever they do so they might as well not make decisions which are financially irretrievable in that state of mind which is why trying full time work could be a win/win situation. Also do we have to do what we want? Is that always best or right? Do we even konw what's best for us half the time?

[Rookietherednosedreindeer]

Well it sounds to me like jeangenie does know what she wants which is to work less hours than she does currently.

I agree that giving up her job to be a SAHM may not be the best option financially, particularly as she is not sure if she would really enjoy it.However I don't think from anything she has posted that working f/t would be likely to make her more happy if anything it is more likely to make her jack in her job entirely.

Why do you think that f/t is always the best option, particularly when the OP wants to spend more time with her family ? Is it somehow wrong to want to spend more time with ones children ?

[saggarmakersbottomknocker]

jeangenie - I think you know what you want to do and you sound like you'll make it work.

I work much less hours now than I used to (and finished completely for a while, as like you I hated my job). It was the best thing I ever did. We're managing financially on less and anyway, for me at least, the sacrifices have been worth it. My children are older now but I won't be going back full-time. I've actually found they needed me more not less as the years have passed.

Life's for living and we only get one.
Good luck with your decision.

[mancmum]

My kids are at the local primary which has helped hugely in terms of logistics and helped me cope with work and getting them to school and spending enough time with them.. and am lucky with the flexibility of my job -- would not really gain by working elsewhere PT if they expected me to be in an office 9-6...

I have to say I also do chuck money at things to make sure all myfree time is kid time - ie have a cleaner so never EVER Clean, we have an OCADO order every week could quite easily save 15 quid of that if I went to supermarket but I reckon 15 quid to spend time with the kids is money well spent.. I also send out stuff to a laundrette every couple of weeks bedding and towels... not a huge cost, but massive timesaving and again buys back time withthe kids.. So my chores are quite minimal and weekends and 5-7:30 every day are total kids time..


Did have an idea about working PT have you thought about service delivery management easier to do PT ... you could get an ITIL qualification quite easily..

[jeangenie]

thanks guys - very helpful. will look into those suggestions mancmum. thank you. One further thing - I really like your contracting idea, but do you have any thoughts on managing the childcare around potentially 3 months on 3 months off kind of scenario? I've been racking my brains but not coming up with much that's useful

ok, maybe I am a person who will never be happy, who knows, but at least I wouldn't be beating myself up about one thing if I was spending more time with the kids just now

definitely NO to ft work. maybe when they are both at school but for sure not now, not with all the cleaners, nannies, ready meals in the world, just no, no, NO.

sagarsmakers..., great to hear your input. that's so how I feel, about the one life business. I am glad it is working out for you. I have often heard that they need you more as time goes on, rather than less. I would REALLY like to be around a bit more when DD1 starts in reception in January

Rookie, thanks - good luck to you when you go back. It can be tough

I feel a real decision brewing...

[jeangenie]

bumping in case the m-f crew have any insights