What's wrong with me?

[SweetBeadieRussell]

I'm feeling particularly crap today. Went to Babycafe at the Surestart Centre in town with my 20 wk old dd2. Basically, the whole experience just made me feel even worse than I was before, and highlighted all my old insecurities (not having had any real friends since leaving university 7 years ago, never fitting in anywhere; never knowing what to say; feeling like a perpetual outsider; feeling scruffy and unkempt, and that dd is the same, compared to the other mums and babies...)

I just don't know what my problem is, sometimes I wonder if its more than just the battle I've had with depression on and off all my adult life, perhaps I have aspergers or something similar, as I just don't seem to be able to make friends anymore. I have loads of friendly acquaintances, people to say 'hi' to, but I seem unable (or possibly unwilling) to really connect with people on any meaningful level. Its ironic because as a teenager/ early 20s I used to pride myself on having quite a high level of self awareness, quite able to handle myself in social situations, but these days its like I barely recognise the person I've become.

Sorry if this is hard to follow, I seem to be unable to follow my own train of thought, always flitting from one idea to another. There seem to be a couple of key events which still hang over my life years later; I don't seem to be able to leave them behind, and they might possibly be affecting my behaviour from day to day. One of these is the abortion I had the year I left university, which I've never really had the guts to talk to anyone about, apart from dh (who was the father). We had been together about 3 months and I had had some overlap between my last serious relationship (the uni boyfriend) and getting together with my now dh. Basically the baby had been conceived while I was cheating on not quite broken up with the guy who was my best friend and boyfriend rolled into one through my whole time at university. When I found out I was pg I was a mess. A very selfish, horrible 22 year old mess. All I could think about was how I was in my final year at university, and how all the friends who had been mutual would ditch me (most of them did anyway, but that was down to me cheating on their friend), and how disappointed my mother would be (I expect she'd be much more dissappointed to know about what I did next, but there you go), and how i just wasn't ready, and was living such a drink and cigarettes based lifestyle I'd make an awful mother.

One of my friends at the time made no secret of the fact that she'd had 3 abortions herself, and I suppose to my shame I looked to her as the one person I could open up to about what was really going on. I suppose I looked at her and thought 'well she's outgoing, confident, a strong woman. she's not ashamed of herself, she doesn't regret what she's done and she's not about to apologise for it, so maybe i can go through with it too' As it turned out, after it happened, she wasn't there for me at all, just when I really needed someone to confide in she just ditched me. Perhaps it brought up too many painful memories for her, I don't know.

What I do know is that I've regretted what I did pretty much constantly since then, and other than going round and round the same old territory with dh about what we did, I've never really dealt with it. I did try to broach the subject with another friend at the time, but that didn't really work out. I've always been afraid of my extended family finding out; even now with two dds I still wonder whether they would have an older brother or sister, that kind of thing. I thought actually having kids, and loving them and bringing them up would help to heal things, allow me to forgive myself, but I suppose I was wrong about that too.

Since then, I haven't really been able to get close to anyone. At first I was conscious of the fact that I was afraid that what i'd done would just slip out in conversation, so I started avoiding having to talk really to people. I was also going through a very bad patch with dh, I suppose I self medicated to try and blot out what I was feeling and it usually ended in a horrible, horrible row where we'd end up splitting up, albeit temporarily. This would usually happen in front of his friends, so after a while they either started putting pressure on him to leave me, or just not inviting either of us to things. For years our relationship was very volatile and I became more and more isolated. I had had many plans about what I would do post graduation; I'd always assumed I'd find a way into a career in the arts, maybe journalism or working for a charity or pressure group, or something I believed in. I'd applied to loads of jobs before I graduated, but I started either sabotaging any interviews I got (usually by not turning up), and then, when the interviews dried up, I just lost the will to put myself forward for things; I only realised recently how all the jobs I had from that point on were things I was very overqualified for, and even then i usually ended up dreading every morning and finally walking out when i'd had enough.

This volatile situation basically carried on until I found out I was pregnant again (aged 24), I felt like i'd lived the whole of the previous 3 years in a dreadful haze. All I knew was that this time I was going to pull myself together and keep the baby. I suppose I never quite pulled myself together entirely, as I'm 29 now and still no closer to having a career or friends, but I'm basically functioning as a responsible adult. I know i'm basically a good mum, I rarely go out or drink, and managed to quit smoking the day I found out I was pregnant again 4 years ago; dh and I still argue, but not in a scary way I hope. Both my dds are absolutely gorgeous, and the reason I get up in the morning, but I can't help feeling there's still a lot wrong with me; stuff I can't ever seem to sort out in my head.

As dd2 is 20 weeks old I do tend to do a lot of Surestart based stuff with her, and I don't know if I'm just paranoid (probably) but I can't shake the feeling that the staff talk down to me, and that the other mums are all great mates who do a lot of stuff together, whereas I'm just me. On my own. It's pretty much the same at the nursery gates, but then I do live in quite a close knit, small town kind of place. I feel guilty
that my girls don't have any play dates or family friends. I don't know if any of this is making any sense, and i'm aware that i've probably bored anyone reading this to sleep by now so I'll wrap things up.

I just wonder whether the issue I've identified really is what's behind all this, or whether there's something else wrong with me. If it's the former, can I ever move on?

[SweetBeadieRussell]

oh well at least i got it all written down.

[bananalover]

god i really feel for you. am pretty much same as you, young kids but no real female friends, just seemed to lose touch with them all over the years.
i tried mother and toddler groups...christ, awful, felt like i had walked into a private conversation...felt so outsider.
still do actually, as all the mums at school and nursery seem to be the best pals ever...apart from me.
not a good mixer, im afraid, unlike dh who could start up a conversation with practically ANYONE, envy him that.
cant offer any real advice im afraid as i am basically same as you, only so much older. but am a good listener, so if ever you get really down, i can listen!

[arcadia96]

I did read your post. Can't answer fully but I can relate to some of what you say, as I've noticed since I had my DD (now six months) that I'm finding it hard to make new friends with the other mums. I feel like they don't want to hang out with me. I also feel a bit patronised by some of the staff in the children centres that I go to so I know what you mean about that. I'm getting on fine with my 'old' friends though, it's just these other mums that I'm supposed to be bonding with and I just don't feel like I have anything in common with any of them really, and that they think I'm a bit strange. I've realised I'm not that good in groups, which a lot of these things are, I prefer one to one.
No advice I'm afraid, just empathising!

[tigerbear]

Hello, sorry you're feeling this way.
I think many people feel exactly the same as you do, SweetBeadie, the feeling of being the 'outsider' - me included. I think part of the problem is what most people struggle with to a certain extent, however the way you feel is exacerbated by what happened to you years ago. It sounds like you're scared of being rejected again - that if you let your barriers down and be the real you, that you will end up getting hurt again, just like when your supposed friend ditched you. It's the fear of getting close to people and risking letting your guard down and the risk of being hurt that's preventing you from forming new friendships - am I right?

[existentialmum]

I read an article last week about Emily White's book Lonely: a memoir. I have not read the book but the abstract struck a chord. It seems to be about someone who descends into a life of loneliness and lack of intimacy. She does however then go on, I understand, to build a life of connections, interests and friends.

I really feel for you. I am a lot older than you and have been through similar extended periods as you describe. I'm in one again now but this time I have learned my lesson I hope.

As a single parent it is does make the task harder to reconnect with the world but it will get better and if you are seeking all the professional help you can get, GP, counselling etc etc you can plan a future. Build one step at a time developing a support system.

These periods in life do not have to spiral down. I found that for me hiding away eating etc just made the problem worse. I have forced myself to exercise and every time I feel like doing something negative or self-destructive to combat these feelings I make myself do something positive instead. Some people find it incredibly easy to form connections with others for others like me I have to make a real effort. Slowly things are getting better! Good luck - you don't need to go it alone. I have not posted before.

[Nemofish]

Do you think that the (misplaced) guilt that you feel could be causing you to send out some 'don't talk to me, I'm awful' vibes.

I find myself pushing people away, I find it difficult to trust and let people in, I even find it difficult to make and maintain eye contact with someone, even if I have known them for years.

A lack of confidence can make other people feel uncomfortabel. If you are giving out (in your body language, tone of your voice and so on) that actually 'I'm rubbish and terrible and a bad human being and you don't want to get to know be / be friends with me' it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and people automatically pull away.

Don't think you are alone in this. An awful lot of those mums at SureStart are faking every laugh and smile because deep down they feel the way you do!

[topsi]

Why don't you see if your GP could offer you some specialised councelling for the loss of your baby all those years ago. I went through a similar thing and there seemed a fair bit of support available at the time.
I also find it difficult to connect with people and think it may have stemmed from feeling that I needed to cover things up from my past. I find it difficult even to connect with people on MN. Have often thought I may have slight asbergers but have been told by a therapist that I don't.

[lelarose]

What struck a chord with me about your post was the sense of regret, and thinking about what might have been, which is something I struggle with immensely myself. Also, I am very familiar with that feeling of being alone even when surrounded by other people, which is quite a powerful state of mind.

I find that when you make decisions you are not entirely sure of (there arent many other kinds with me) it is deceptively easy to convince yourself that things could have worked out better if only you had done things differently and oh boy is hindsight a wonderful thing. The truth is we can ONLY do what seems best at the time with the information we have available to us at that time. And that is what you did. I know exactly what its like to fanatasise about what ifs and beat yourself up. I should really listen to myself here as its a horrendous waste of energy- we just dont know how things would have turned out if we'd taken the other path.

I can also see exactly what you mean about the mum and baby group thing as I have prenatal depression (quite severrely and only 3 people I know are aware of this)so I dont feel I can go to the antenatal exercise groups etc that I wanted to cos they all make me feel so lonely and inadequate for seeming happy and coping better. When you are struggling with difficult feelings I think you always feel alone to some extent, but I just wanted to say you're not because there are lots of us out here who struggle in all kinds of ways. Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides is what I tell myself, because a hell of a lot of people are just putting on a brave face

Anyway when you reread what you say about yourself at 22 and now at 29 you can see you have actually moved on immensely, and no you're maybe not bloody perfect yet, who the hell is- maybe the first step to moving on even more may be to start with forgiving yourself for this and for the decision you made for what were perfectly valid reasons at the time. I know thats what I need to do too and I wish you all the best.