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Friendship disintergrating....

(10 Posts)
anothernamechanger Mon 25-Jul-05 08:49:35

Never thought I'd be on here with a changed name, but here goes

I have been really close to my friend for quite a few years now, but over the past few months, I have started to feel more and more used, and like I am the less important half of the pair.

If something comes up and we both have plans, then hers will override everything 90% of the time. If I am asked to babysit, then, whereas I ask with a backup plan in mind - fully anticipating that it can't be done etc, she asks me having already decided I will say yes. If I don't want to, then I feel terrible that I will be letting them down (it is normally so something can happen for one of the children), so give in and say yes anyway.

I always seem to feel lately that I am a lesser being, and that she thinks I'm not capable of looking after myself or my children without her supervision.

The final thing came over the weekend when I wanted to share good news, and it got ignored in favour of her life again.

I'm tired of feeling like this, but I also feel like I don't want to lose a friendship that can be great at times.

Pregnant, fed up, and worrying what all this stress is going to be doing to my baby... I seem to have spent most of the last week, and especially the weekend in tears.

I am a quiet person, and confrontation scares me (to the throwing up with nerves stage).

I don't know what to do... do I just carry on as things are and hope they go back to how they used to be? Do I make a clean break? Do I back off gradually and see if things ease up with some distance?

At the moment I feel like I'm grieving all the time for my lost friendship.

I know it all sounds petty, but it feels huge right now....

ssd Mon 25-Jul-05 09:04:09

Sorry you feel like this. I can guess being pregnant is making you feel a bit more emotional and weepy - it did me! - but your friend sounds like she is taking you for granted. I'm rubbish at confrontation too, so all I can try to advise is to quietly stick to your guns a bit more in deciding what you want to do and deciding what's best for your family. She might never realise it, but you'll eventually start to feel things are going your way more often and suiting you better! Good luck, I know these things can really hurt and make you feel low...

ssd xxx

emily05 Mon 25-Jul-05 09:45:23

My best friend is a bit like this. It is always all about her and I get so fed up. I get to the point that you are at and somehow she redeems herself!

Could you distance yourself from her for a while? This could help.

Another thing that works with my friend is that if I am excited and tell her something 9 times out of 10 she will go back to talking about her. So I say something like "listen, I am so excited, I am going to tell you (whatever) again! Isnt it great"
Believe it or not this works!

I think that your friend is self obsorbed and doesnt realise what she is doing. If she did realise she would probably be mortified. It isnt a reflection on you.

anothernamechanger Mon 25-Jul-05 15:32:52

Thankyou.

That does help to put it into perspective. I think the hormones are making things 10x worse than normal too...

I'll try and get some distance this week and see how things go.

spidermama Mon 25-Jul-05 16:14:26

I had a friend like this. She was very domineering and unable to focus on anyone else's life but her own for more than a few seconds. I found it a real drain. I felt she was getting MUCH more out of the relationship than I.

Now, with four kids, I don't have the time for relationships which take too much and don't give in return. I have to save myself for my kids and me.

I think, when you're pg, your body and mind have to prepare and that sometimes means issue are thrown up for you to deal with. You need to make emotional space for the new one coming.

I don't see my friend any more. I felt like you did for years really and used to grit my teeth and visit her or let her visit me, but always felt kind of 'fleeced' when she left. I didn't know how to ease things apart then suddenly, one day (my birthday in fact) they BLEW apart.
We had a huge row, I ended up crying on my own in a pub feeling utterly abused.

She tried to re-kindle the relationship a couple of weeks later but I wouldn't. I need supportive friends not paracites. Before having all my kids I had much more to give to friendships and didn't midn the odd imbalance. Not so now.

If I were you I would try to see her a lot less or faze her out altogether. It seems a shame with old friends, but we all move on and you have to put yourself and your family first.

You will make more friends who suit your new lifestyle better.

Good luck.

spidermama Mon 25-Jul-05 16:20:00

People have said that being pg makes you more emotional. That's true but it's for a purpose.

It's not wild hormones to be ignored. It's heightened messages from deep within helping you sort out your emotional landscape.

It always irritates me when people try to make out that emotions are somehow silly or wrong. They have there place and there function, espcially in pregnancy. Don't fight them with rationality.

ssd Tue 26-Jul-05 10:02:13

spidermama, do you mean me as in "people have said being pregnant makes you emotional"?

if you do I wasn't meaning the first poster to ignore how she is feeling, I was sympathising as I felt the same when I was pregant.

It always irritates me when people get a post I've made trying to be helpful completely wrong.

anothernamechanger Tue 26-Jul-05 10:07:53

Its ok! I knew what both of you were saying!

ssd Tue 26-Jul-05 10:09:34

sorry, guess being tired makes me over emotional!!

spidermama Tue 26-Jul-05 21:04:22

Not aimed at you at all ssd.

Actually I meant people in general. (should've made it clearer)

It used to drive me crazy when people (usually men tbh) dismissed my emotions by saying, 'Ah well. She's pregnant.' as if my feelings were invalid because affected by hormones.

I really believe they're there for a reason. Rational thought and emotional thought are different things, but both are important in the scheme of things.

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