lonely and sad

[zombiewoman]

I am really lonely and bored.I don't really have any good friends and no mums talk to me at my dd's school.I see others arranging get togethers etc but we are not included because I am not a chatty outgoing type of person.My dd is an only and often lonely as she has no one to play with out of school.I don't know why I am bothering to write this because I know that the advice will be just invite someone over for tea but we have tried this and dd never gets invited back!
I spend my days on the pc and gazing into space, it is so embarrassing!I have never really worked because of social anxiety and depression.I fear I am coming to the end of the line because I can't live like this for ever, it is just not normal.
I feel sorry for my dd because she doesn't deserve a lonely, friendless childhood.Just wanted to write because today I feel particularly bad.Sunny weather just highlights my sad existence as most people can't wait to go on picnic's together etc.We have no one to visit and no one visits us,weird or what!

[waitingforgodot]

why dont you look at mumsnet meet ups and try the one near you?

[topsi]

Hi Zombie, I understand how you feel. My depression has realy isolated me. I can't make new friends and push people away when they try and get to know me past a certain point. I find it embarssing too. My DS will be 4 next year and I am dreading his party as I won't know any one else with kids to invite.
On good days I do try and make the effort with other Mums when picking DS up from nursery, but on bad days I can't look anyone in the eye.
I am not sure of the answer, I just don't feel comfortable in most other people's company.
Not sure if this has been any help to you at all but just to let you know that I identified with your post.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

So sorry you are feeling like this, but I bet you are not the only one.
Is there another mum you can see that is not part of the cliche? I.e. standing on her own, looking lonely etc.

I know it's hard but you really need to try to talk to someone, yes it's a risk, because you could be rejected, but if you chose someone whose not part of the gang.... what have you got to lose?

I am a naturally shy person and I do find social interaction quite hard myself, but have forced myself to talk to people at toddler club and now have a few people I would call friends there.

As for your DD, you could encourage her to do the same e.g. dare each other to speak to someone new on a given day and then find out when you pick her up if one or both of you managed it! Also I've heard recommended this

Not read it myself but heard it is very good.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I meant clique

[zombiewoman]

Thank you for replying.
I have tried talking to the other mums but they don't seem keen on talking to me I guess because I am not really fashionable or successful.Several times I have even had a mum walk off and start talking to someone more interesting mid conversation!It was so humiliating and rude and something I would never do.So now I am extremely reluctant to make an effort because no one bothers making an effort with me.Everywhere I go I feel out of things and like a weirdo or something.
My dd has friends at school but doesn't get invited on playdates like the other children do.I find it painful to try and explain to her why she doesn't get invited anywhere.She really notices her social exclusion.She wants me to ask the other mum's if she can go to their houses but of course I could never do this as I think it would be social suicide.
This social isolation feels like it is never going to end.Why can other ladies manage to socialise with ease and have loads of friends and me none?Only rarely do I manage to click with anyone like once every ten years!Do you have any friends Topsi?
Getdown I will try and speak to a random stranger this week and hope I get a positive rsponse.
Off out to get some sun now x

[tabbycat7]

OMG that mum who walked off!! SO rude!!! There are nice people out there zombie, but possibly not the other mums at your dd's school. Perhaps you both need to try and meet some new people. Does you dd do anything after school? Dancing, swimming, Brownies... this might be a way to meet mums with children at other schools. If your dd could be persuaded to go to Brownies, how about offering to help? Sometimes it's easier to make friends that way when friendship isn't the primary focus.

I can identify with you feeling isolated, and it amazes me how some people seem to make friends with no effort, but like I said some people are nice and friendly and easy to talk to, it's just finding them

[mindscape]

I know exactly how you feel zombiewoman.
I try to talk to people sometimes at the school and it seems to only be me pushing the conversation and I wonder if they are not interested in me orf whether they are shy like me.
I have plugged away at arranging playdates although I hate approaching the other moms they are hardly ever returned and if they do return its just once never to happen again.
The worst thing as well is that ds has noticed he is not getting anywhere but I am at a loss as to what to do about it.
I also feel a lack of friends with children to get together with in holidays etc.
I have receently made a couple of mates but its still awkward at times as they may be working or busy.
And you know the summer months make me feel worse about this.
My ds is also an only and all that I want is to meet another mom like me but where are they.

[frankie3]

I wouldn't worry about making arrangements with the children from school. I don't think that your dd is missing out, she has all day at school to play with friends.

Why don't you take her to a club outside school like gymnastics etc. She may meet new friends there and you would see the other mums. Also it means that it would be in you diary each week and you would not have the pressure to try to make arrangements.

[zombiewoman]

Mindscape,I wish I knew where all the friendly ladies are because I don't seem to be meeting them either!
I hated picking up dd today as it never fails to upset me.Saw other little girls going off to tea.We are now sat at home watching tv as usual.I feel such a failure as a mum.I can't even bear to take her out into town or to the park because everyone seems to be huddling in cosy groups.I'm so sorry as I sound so pathetic!
I do take my dd to various groups but she never seems to make new friends and the mums are just like at school huddled round chatting with no welcome for new comers.I must stop all this moaning because it isn't improving matters.I think I need to accept that I am not the sort of person to have good friends and fun days out.

[naitimum]

Hi, I'm feeling similar to you ladies today so thought I'd jump into this thread too. On days when I feel brave (not today) I just think well if I don't have anyone to go with, then DS and I will go somewhere on our own and have a good time, and ok so it's not perfect maybe but it generally works out alright and it means we get out and about rather than waiting for someone to contact us (and that never happens so we would be waiting a long time). I personally don't think there's anything wrong with turning up to stuff alone, and if more of us were brave and just did it, not even necessarily with a view to making friends, just to get out and about with our kids, then maybe all us outsider people wouldn't feel quite so alone.

[3BusyBabies]

Hi Zombiewoman, this is my first ever post!
I joined here hoping to find some new friends. I typed in the word 'lonely' and boy is this an understatement! I feel exactly the same as you so haven't got much advice. I think the older you get (I'm 32)the harder it gets to make friends! I didn't have any friends in school either so suppose I've just never learned to sustain friendships! I dreaded my wedding because I didn't have anyone on my side to invite. I swear, not a single friend!!! I don't really know what else to say except you're not alone but know this probably isn't much comfort.
At least your dd get to interact in school so try and stop feeling guilty! My gorgeous 4yrld is stuck at home bored and lonely instead of being in a nursery because of me!!! Most days I hate myself and appreciate you can't just snap out of it and get out there and have fun by yourselves. If you could there wouldn't be a problem would there?!!!

[bossyboop]

Im the same and also embarrassed. Had a close friend at school then she made a new friend and as a group of 3 I was always left out, then my new best friend moved away, then my new best friend after that who was also sidelined by a group of 3 believed a lie someone told about me saying i hold told on them when I hadnt. I went to high school lonely and made a new friend but she was always picked on for being scruffy so nobody really wanted to be seen with me from then on. Then a new girl came to the school and we got on great but a few years ago we fell out and havent spoken since and im a bit embarrassed to get back in touch. Luckily I made a new friend and it was great but then we drifted apart as we went to college and although back in touch and she lives a 5 minute walk away shes always busy working and always has family dramas and we just dont text or phone each other very often like proper friends do.

I would really like to make some decent friends that I can call up to share news good or bad. People I can have nights out with, go shopping with etc My dd starts nursery soon and im hoping to meet some mums. If not then maybe when I have another baby I might make friends at the childrens centre near me. I never went anywhere like that with dd as I expected it to be all women who know each other already who live in the same street or went to school together. Would be nice to have people in my friends list on facebook who are actual friends and not just people ive worked with or gone to school with but never speak to.

[exotictraveller]

I feel exactly the same. . I see all the other mums at school arranging to meet up or to have playdates for their DC's. I have had so many of DD's friends over to ours but she hardly ever gets invited back. A couple of times at the most. She doesn't seem to notice or mind too much, but I do notice and I do mind and I am sure in time DD will also start to notice as well.

I have 2 DC's so they do play together once home from school. DS is at nursery and starts school in September.

I have found it so hard to make friends with the mums in DD's year. I am full time SAHM but not through choice, I ended up here because I was too ill to go back to work after having DD (she is 7) and have not worked for 7 years. I don't feel it fit in with the other SAHMs because I find it boring staying at home whereas they seem to genuinely enjoy it. And the working mums think they have nothing in common with me because they know they would be bored at home and think I enjoy it. But I don't, I am bored and lonely with no close friends. I know I would get on better with the working mums but they are all at work so I never see them. And they hardly ever have playdates at their houses as they are always at work and their kids go to the after school club.

I used to always have at least 1 or 2 close friends, pre-DC's. And I am still in touch with them but we have nothing in common any more as they are still single and child free.

I also used to have a lot of male friends, pre getting married 10 years ago and I think I always preffered male friends to female friends in general apart from my 1 or 2 close female friends. But since getting married having male friends seems to be 'not allowed'. So I am left with virtually no friends. No wonder I'm so depressed. I have literally nobody to call for a chat whenever I feel like it. The friends I do have seem to be very moody and will 'disappear' for ages without contacting me and I am just fed up of always being the one to get in touch with them.