Depression and friendships - help

[titferbrains]

I have been depressed on and off for several years now and am going thru a bit of a rough patch. Have spoken to doc, asked for counselling which is to be scheduled, taking more exercise, trying not to over eat, trying to get a bit of fresh air each day.

But I think my paranoia, low self esteem, nervousness etc. have slightly pushed my few friends away and I think that although I need friends, I struggle to make them. I find that when I'm in situations when I could be trying to be upbeat and cheery, engaging with people, like this am at baby singing group, i tend to retreat, I get nervous and I think I disappear a bit. I felt like everyone around me was chatting to someone. I was there with a friend but she was talking to someone else and they didn't really draw me into their chat. I have never been good with friendships, I make decisions about people very quickly and I find most people get on my nerves eg in the group I'm at a woman turned up today perfectly dressed and carrying a cup of coffee, wearing mascara etc, but with 2 messy children, one with hair not brushed and son with no shoes or socks on. It's freezing! I just was a bit unimpressed that she could glam herself up but not her kids. So when she did talk to me I decided she wasn't my cup of tea and didn't really speak to her much.

I don't know what to do, I need to meet more people but I think I get worried about my own negativity - I overanalyse everything and it stops me from being a bit more chilled.

Any thoughts on my ramblings?? Just need a bit of support, am going to have a look round on the net for any helpful sites too.

Have any of you done a self-esteem course etc?

[mumblechum]

Hmm, people getting on your nerves isn't going to help you warm to them, is it?

The woman today may have given up the battle with a toddler who kept stripping off their shoes & socks - seems a bit unlikely she was actually being negligent.

Try not to be judgy. She made the effort to talk to you and you froze her out.

Next time, if there's someone by themselves, just go up to them and chat. Even asking about their child's name, how old they are etc may be cliched but is likely to get at least a bit of a conversation going.

If you make the effort first, and keep doing it, eventually you'll make friends.

[titferbrains]

Feel like I need more opportunities to meet people - it's really hard when you're over 30! so this is the only group I'm going to. I was hoping to hear about other groups, one woman has started a group but when I asked her about it she didn't give me a flyer or ask if I wanted to come along. I have told people that I am looking to make new friends (dd has been ill for a while so I couldn't go out) and people don't seem to really register. Even my good friend who has 2 kids rarely asks if I want to join her at other kiddie things.

I feel hopeless about meeting people I like. And cross with myself for giving off "negative" vibes which I think i do.

[mumblechum]

When we moved 300 miles and I didn't know anyone, the health visitor kindly gave me lots of info about toddler groups/mother & baby groups so I went to quite a few, and met my two closest friends there as it turned out.

If not your HV, do you have a surestart centre or childrens centre nearby? Our local one seems to run something every day.

[titferbrains]

Yes, will get back in touch with surestart actually as I've been meaning to do that for ages. Thanks.

[edithpoppy]

hi there - you are not alone. I have found it really hard to make friends at baby groups too.

i've got 2 children and i, like you, seem to have 'lost' friends since having them - mainly my friends who don't have children themselves, so haven't understood the effects that those 'bad days' can have on you.

it is really hard to meet new people, and to make lasting friendships. second time round i joined an NCT refresher course, primarily because i wanted to make friends rather than to learn any more about childbirth.

i'm afraid i don't have any answers about how to tackle this, sorry! but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone. i know well that horrible feeling at baby groups where everyone else seems to know one another.

my only advice would be to be kind to yourself. try to build up your self esteem and confidence, and don't put pressure on yourself to do this too quickly. and you mustn't judge yourself by looking at others - just because someone may have 100's friends on facebook, or seem to know everyone at the baby group you're at, doesn't mean that they are a better person than you or that maybe deep down they too are just as lonely as you might be feeling.

keep us posted on how you get on. good luck.

[titferbrains]

Hey edith thanks for posting. I have lots of ideas of "social" things to do but find I don't have the confidence to execute them. I think that when I'm feeling low that everything seems like a massive task - so I tend to just get by doing the minimum. Seeing some friends tmw I think so that should be good.

Hope you are having a good day and that your 2 LOs are keeping you smiling. I had a bath with mine this am, twas lovely!

[edithpoppy]

How did you get on with seeing your friends yest? Hope you are feeling better?

I think when you are low, you just feel exhausted and too tired to do anything but the bare minimum. I guess at times like that you have recognise it and try to push through that tired barrier - much easier said than done though!

Hope you are ok.

[titferbrains]

Hi edith, thanks for asking, we had a lovely time yesterday, 2 friends I can actually be reasonably honest with about feeling low etc. which really, really helps. Got angry with dd in the evening which I'm feeling pretty ashamed about, I am having issues with my own frustration when she doesn't eat well, it's been over 6 months of seeing dieticians and I just want a normal child now. She goes off food whenever she gets a cold and this is the 3rd cold since 20th Sept!!! so it really is 2 steps forward 3 steps back re: her weight. I would like to stop weighing her but I think it would be irresponsible of me as she's tiny.

WEather is dreadful today - am off back to bed for a rest as I was up last night with dd but hope to get out for a couple of hours later today.

Thanks for posting, support makes all the difference.