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so amazing! i think i may have found out why my mother is toxic!

(10 Posts)
sparkle09 Mon 02-Nov-09 23:40:59

on another thread someone linked this....

i think it really explains my mother! and i feel amazing, like i have been cut from all the guilt and responsiblity of how i was brought up by her! i actully feel free of her.

totally, totally amazing.

CJCregg Tue 03-Nov-09 00:17:03

Have just had a very toxic conversation with my own mother so am watching this with interest ...

flakecake Tue 03-Nov-09 06:45:10

Hello all, well, I am gobsmach...I did not realise my mother's behaviour had a definition. And I also see now why I didn't notice it as a child (I was totally under her control) therefore 'good'. That's why she has major issues with me now, but loves my daughter. What-a-thing! I am nearly in tears.

I reaconise too many of the traits- 'IT'S ALL ABOUT ME' fuck me, understatement! 'lACK OF EMPATHY FOR OTHERS' and I never disagree with her (just nod my head, whilst thinking, what kind of bullshit is this?)

sparkle09 Tue 03-Nov-09 12:01:25

flakecake thats exactly how it was with my mother. but me and my sister dont have anything to do with her now. as we done things she disagreed with so she cut us out.

i sent my younger sister the link to this website. she it only 19 and still very bitter towards our mother and is really finding it hard to deal with the rejection and how our mother made her feel. but i think this website may be the thing to help her turn things around.

SmallSCREAMCap Tue 03-Nov-09 16:16:33

Oh my goodness, I am just reading the page on "narcissistic rage"

must wash my face before doing the school run

flakecake Tue 03-Nov-09 17:16:35

Hi Sparkle

My mum always used to do that- 'I never want to see you again'. And I was scared of losing her for years. As soon as she realised I had my own friends and didn't care as much, was spending less time with her, she gave it up.

Did you read the bit about...'YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT I WANT. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK'. Boy that used to wierd me out. I never understood why everyone else would speak to me, but she would get angry because I could anticipate her every need! Ha ha!

sparkle09 Tue 03-Nov-09 18:39:03

flakecake, the first big one was when i was 15, i had got into big trouble at school so she sent me to my dads (with a huge row about how i was hurting her and i must have really hated her hmm) then she changed her phone number the next day and sent my clothes (the rubbish ones) to the police station for me to pick up!

i didnt speak to her for 10 months until she came up to me in town and said i didnt need to apologise now and that all was forgiven! but i was only 16 and thought that it was fair, i had my mum and my younger sisters back.

all was well until i fell pregnant at 17, she promptly told me that i couldnt have it because of how it would look as her 3 year old would be an auntie! i told her i was keeping it and again she changed her number.
that time i didnt speak to her for 9 months. (i didnt have the child in the end, but that was beside the point)

after 9 months she contacted me saying it was her exh fault she said those things and she all was forgotten again.

everything was as crap normal as before and i had my ds and she adored him but the relationship was always one sided, she would alway buy me things and me and dp would always help with my sisters, and help when she got drunk and was in hospital.

then i fell preg with my dd and i had caught my dp snogging his mates wife. we were going though a really rough time then as another one of our friends 2 year old had died 2 days before and he didnt want to have another child. anyway i kicked him out and after 2 weeks we decided to work things through and he came home. well that was the last i heard from her.
until 4 months of me calling her, texting her and a few letters of begging and getting no reply, she text me saying i was selfish, only wanted her for her money and never did anything for her angry

we had a few abusive drunken phone calls from her after that, with her slagging mine and dps family off and me dp and my ds!

so after that i changed my number as she had done to me before! and i have never looked back.

i know that she has spun it to be all my fault to her friends and dh's family but i couldnt care less, i know how she treated me but this time i am a mother myself and if she can do it to me she could do it to my chilren! well over my dead body. im done with it all now. i have broken the cycle.

i just have to wait now for my youngest sister to grow up and im sure the same will happen. but until she is ready to move on there is nothing i can do. she is 11 now so im hoping there is not too much longer to wait.

so sorry that it ended up an essay. felt fab to write though grin

flakecake Tue 03-Nov-09 20:56:25

Wow...your mother is a real drama queen- sending your clothes to the police station! Then she did not talk to you for 9 months? How did she know you was alright?

My mum and I had an argument when I was in my first trimester, she then did not talk to me for the rest of the pregancy. She didn't care to know if I was dead or alive, happy or sad...i guess now, that she could not bear the attention I was getting from mutual friends about the pregnancy! I will never forget it, and after this I more or less realised she doesn't love me, (after all, I am grown up, and I don't do everything she says).

She has a good relationship with dd- so far so good. And I have found the low contact thing really works. It's worse when you live in the family home. But when you are in your own home and the paranoia and negativety from your mother gets too much, you can just get up and leave- Amen!

sparkle09 Sat 07-Nov-09 22:22:46

hi sorry for the delay, ive had internet problems,

i was living with my dad when i left my mums at 15, so i suppose she was happy that i was being looked after hmm

good to hear your mum has a good relationship with your DD.

i have realised that my mother will never change and i am at peace with that now but it took me a long long time to get to this point.

flakecake Sun 08-Nov-09 09:52:42

Morning Sparkle,

How are you? Yes, I too found it took a long time to cut the apron-strings. I have to say my mum has improved. I think she understands now that if she gets really nastey/negative, then she just won't see us for a while.

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