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I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

(9 Posts)
Stayingsunnygirl Tue 18-Aug-09 20:00:45

I really need to unload. Lately it seems that I do everything wrong, or forget what I need to do, or cock things up. I have depression, so life feels like wading through treacle, and I struggle to cope with the basics of daily living - today I didn't manage to have a shower, and dh is currently cooking supper, because I couldn't face it.

I'm on citalopram 40mg, and I have made an appointment with the doctor later on this week to discuss if I need to increase this - but that feels like a failure too. I am waiting for a place in a psychotherapy group, but there's no sign of when that's going to happen - oh, and I've lost the card with my next appointment with the psychotherapist (quick appointments to check up on me and reassure me I am still on the group waiting list), so that's another thing I've cocked up, and ringing the hospital to check when it is, is another thing I will probably forget to do.

I am just so tired and so disheartened, and I am desperate for enough sleep to make it all go away. I don't think I am suicidal, but I am not that keen on my life at the moment.

Sorry to be such a wet nelly.

CheeryCherry Tue 18-Aug-09 20:12:57

Not really an expert but don't want to leave your post unnoticed.
How long have you been depressed?
How long have you been on citalopram?
There are several different ADs around, maybe this one isn't for you?
Also, ADs can make you tired, maybe that isn't helping.
Glad you are seeing your GP. And don't forget a change of GP is often worth thinking about.
Hopefully an expert MNetter will be along soon. Take care.

milkysmum Tue 18-Aug-09 20:28:08

Hi I'm a community mental health nurse and I just want to say you will get through this although right now you probably don't feel that uwill. Have you experienced an episode of depression before? AD's can take a while to have a full theraputic effect and sometime you do have to try a few before you find one that works well for you- but do give the cilalopram a fair chance first. How long have you been on the waiting list for the psychotherapy group? I know mental health services run very differently in different areas so I can't comment on the waiting list- in the area I work it's around 18 months. If you feel your mood is getting worse you need to discuss with your GP whether there is any option of you being reffered to another team such as the Community Mental Health Team or the Primary Mental Health Team although this will very much depend on your exact situation- severity of symptoms, how long this has been going on for etc. Please keep hopeful as this will get better- and you are NOT a failure.

GoldenSnitch Tue 18-Aug-09 20:30:24

I've been where you are. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again just so it would all go away. I was on Prozac for about 8 years and have had Psychotherapists, Psycologists, Councellors and Psychiatric Nurse look after me...

I want to assure you that one day it will be better. It's a hard path sometimes and often feels like dealing with it is harder than just living with it but it will all be worth it in the end. I've never been so tired, physically or emotionally than I was in the first few weeks of each new councelling session but I am glad I stuck with it - because now, I've been free of the AD's for 5 years and for the first time I am happy. Bar a few scars on my wrists (Iwas suicidal and self harming) you'd never know I'd been ill.

I'd be more than happy to be here if you needed someone to talk to who's been there....

Stayingsunnygirl Tue 18-Aug-09 20:37:06

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply to me - it means a lot.

This isn't my first bout of depression - looking back, I've been suffering from it since my teens, and I had three episodes of PND too. I've been on the citalopram for over a year now, gradually increasing the dosage. The last time I saw the dr he did suggest upping the dose again, but I didn't want to do that - I think it might be necessary though.

I've been on the waiting list for group therapy for nearly a year, I think, but I was warned early on that it would be a long wait, as the group offers longterm therapy - which will be good when I get there, but does mean that turnover is slow.

GoldenSnitch - thankyou for saying what you did - I am struggling to believe that I will get there, but it helps to know that it does happen!

Thanks again.

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 18-Aug-09 20:40:35

I have suffered from depression. Loads of people do. Some have more severe depression than others, but that is irrelevant. You are already on medication and are going back to the GP for more help. You are taking all the right steps. It is crap and each day seems worse than the previous but believe me when I say that you will come out of this. For me, at least now I can recognise the symptoms early and take action. smile

GoldenSnitch Tue 18-Aug-09 20:48:28

You're welcome.

I remember how awful and isolating it was and hate to think others are feeling like that too

Stayingsunnygirl Thu 20-Aug-09 11:07:09

Well - I saw the doctor this morning and had a good chat with him, and we've decided to increase the dose of citalopram for a while - we'll give it a month and then I will see the doctor again, and if things have improved, we may consider decreasing it again.

I am feeling slightly more positive today - I made a list of jobs yesterday, and I've managed to do some of them, and I've had a couple of good nights' sleep, which helps.

Anyhow - thankyou for the support - it means a lot.

Threadworm Thu 20-Aug-09 11:19:26

Well done on getting to the doctor. I'm really glad you have had a couple of nights good sleep. That can make a huge difference. Making lists is good too -- and give yourself lots of credit for getting some of the jobs on the list done. Your OP rings so very true for me. It is an awful, awful feeling to be low and hating yourself and surrounded by jobs you can't focus on. I'm sorry things have been so hard.

When you are alone and depressed things are bad enough; but when you are with others and have responsibilities to them that you can't escape, the stress and tension hat build up are almost unbearable. Make time for yourself if you can.

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