Feeling very tearful and all knotted up inside and as if there is a big black cloud hanging over me

[Buda]

Am never normally like this. Don't know why I am feeling like this today really.

Woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep so finally got up around 6.15 to discover it was snowing (am in Budapest). Felt a bit blurrgh about it but was OK. Tried to get car out of garage to take DS to school but couldn't get it up the hill (garage is in basement) - supposed heated driveway not working. Phoned school to say DS wouldn't be in as we are snowed in.

Have cancelled dental appointment for 11.

Feeling really guilty as DS has missed so much school lately through illness. He is in Yr 3 and struggling a bit. Feeling stressed about the fact that he is struggling and will be going into Yr 4 next year and has struggled with stuff (mainly maths) in Y3. Shouted at him yesterday a few times as every time I try to get him to do any reading/maths/schoolwork he moans and it is a constant battle. But then again he is only bloody 7! Neither he nor I should be stressed about bloody schoolwork when he is only 7.

Just been home in Dublin for a week last week and the whole time was depressing and frustrating. My mother is 70 and had a mild stroke last April. She does nothing. Goes nowhere. Spends a lot of time in bed. This has all been going on for a few years and she does sod all to help herself and says it is nobodies business. However my Dad is getting more and more stressed by it all - she is paranoid about him being up to something with a male neighbour so won't let him out of her sight practically. Dad had a bleed behind an eye recently and as part of seeing the doc they did blood tests and an ECG - he has high blood pressure and they found a problem with the ECG so he needs to see a cardioligist.

I could shake my Mum really bloody hard as she is just bloody wasting her life.

MIl phoned last night to let us know that her Mum us sick. She is 102 and a real sweetie but has been getting frailer and although obv she has had a 'good innings' I feel sad for her and MIL. And I look at my Mum and could scream.

So I am at home with DS. The cleaner is here so I can't even have a good cry in private.

My stomach feels all knotted up and this is what my mother says all the time and I don't want to be like her. I don't want to phone anyone as I will just cry.

Fuck.

Don't even know why I typed all this. Sorry.

[Owls]

Oh

Not a great start to another week. Sorry you are feeling so down.

It's the first day back after half-term for most of us in the UK so could be a bit quiet here for another half an hour or so!

Sit down with a good strong coffee. Hopefully somebody will be a long soon with some more useful advice. Take care.

[Owls]

Actually just realised "sit down with a good strong coffee" sounds really trite and I didn't mean it to come out that way. Aaarrrggghhh words on a screen.

Will keep this bumped for you.

[Buda]

Thanks Owls - I did realise after I posted that it is school run time for you lot in UK!

Have had a cup of tea and some toast. Still feeling wobbly. This is not ME! I am not usually like this.

[Starbear]

Could you go out for a good long walk in a park to a nice coffee shop. Apparently this can lift the mood with sunlight. That black dog is a bastard. if you can't go out right now could have a shower get dressed up and go out later with a friend and not talk about the problem but have a cheerful chat about nothing in particular? Just some ideas!

[Novacane]

Hey Buda,

Didn't want to read and run...

Just wanted to say, all those things will add up and make you feel crap.... especially as they are all things you can't control.

You can't control the school thing, can't control how much he is ill etc, you can only do your best with the school work, your right, he is 7, and shouldn't be bothered with lots of homework- just make every opportunity to reinforce things he is learning in everyday life, as you go along, you can't do anymore than that, and hopefully he will learn that it is useful as well as school work.

Don't know what to say about your Mum, but again there is nothing you can do, you can't control it at all. I have an uncle who is an alcoholic, we used to get soo annoyed with him, and upset, but we have given up and just watch him drink- we can't help him if he won't help himself.

sorry to hear about GMIL....

Sounds like you do need a good cry TBH, and maybe a lazy duvet day with DS?

and phone a friend and cry if you want to, thats what friends a re for... hope you feel better soon...

[Buda]

Thanks Starbear - can't get out of the house easily with the snow. Am in the hills outside Budapest so no coffee shops in walking distance unfortunately. And I think trying to walk in the sodding snow would send me over the edge completely.

Novacane - I think you are right about the control. I am a person who 'does' things. If I have something wrong with me I research it and do something. This is why I am so angry with my Mum I suppose. Also the sheer selfishness of not understanding how she is affecting us all - esp my Dad.

Would love a good cry but don't want to worry DS and the cleaner is here too.

[admylin]

Sympathies Buda. I know exactly how you feel. That knotted up feeling and the holding back the tears.

I'm homesick, my dc have similar worries about school as you - it just makes you want to scream doesn't it. Why the hell should these little ones get shouted at in their home to sit and study at that age? I've also had to get mad with my 2 along the way and then I get mad at myself for having to do it, but that's teh school system here. Viscious circle.

Just lost my gran too - couldn't even make it to the funeral. It sucks living abroad doesn't it.

I think we need a holiday. Where should we go? Some where warm, cocktails, no work to do and sleep as much as possible!

[Buda]

Hi admylin! It does bloody suck doesn't it? Very sorry about your gran. Times like these make you realise how far away we are.

Holiday sounds good - Bali? Meet you there!

[admylin]

Maldive would be a good stop over too!

Doesn't help that my parents are on their way in Bali direction and Singapore right now. We really need a break.

[ThreadieMair]

Buda, I'm sorry you are feeling low. All I feel able to say to help you is that it is ok to feel low sometimes -- it doesn't mean you are turning into your mother! (That part of your post resonated with me for various reasons.) Allow yourself to feel miserable and lethargic and tense for now. It must be tough sometimes living overseas, especially just after returning from a trip home; especially when there is illness in the family; especially when the snow is making life hard. So be kind to yourself. And if you keep on feeling bad talk to doctor?

[Buda]

Maldives also sounds good. Anywhere I don't have to look out at sodding snow! I feel all tense just looking out the window at it.

Thanks ThreadieMair - I am scared of turning into my mother. She was terrified of turning into hers and can't see that she is doing exactly the same. Even down to only wanting half a cup of tea at the moment! This has been a standing joke in our family since my grandmother arrived on the doorstep with her suitcases 2 days after I moved to London "as you have a spare bed now" - forgetting that there were 3 of my sisters prob fighting over my bed! She used to say 'only half a cup' in a wavery voice if offered a cup of tea. My dad was once reduced to shouting 'just have a fucking cup like the rest of us!" at her one day in frustration. Mum is now doing the same thing.

[admylin]

Sigh, a big pack of salt n' vinager pringles would help to cheer me up - do you get them in Budapest? Here they have sour cream and chive pringles but no salt n' vinager. Adds to the stress of living abroad when you can't get your regular fix.

[Starbear]

Buda, I'm not going to let you off so easily.Could you get a cab into town? Or Bus in cab back? I do think you need some fresh air and a change of environment. what have you got planned for the rest of the week?

[Buda]

admylin - I had a pack of Walkers salt n'vinegar! Can get them here in Tesco sometimes.

Starbear - I prob could but as I have DS off school too as we are 'snowbound' prob not what I should do! Am making him do maths on computer instead.

Have decided to do something productive and am sorting out my recipes.

Have dentist tomorrow at 9am - hopefully will get there.

DS has tennis after school on Wed which I enjoy as I get to catch up with a couple of friends as their DSs share the lesson.

Will try and do coffee with another friend and then have a night out on Friday and some friends over for dinner on Saturday. Also need to get my hair done and will treat myself to a manicure and pedicure. May even try to fit in a facial!

Am feeling a bit better. The panicky feeling is gone pretty much.

I think I am realising that my mother is not going to get better and has a form of dementia even if we don't have a definitive diagnosis as yet. So I am processing that and I suppose grieving in a way.

[Starbear]

I thought all the Europeans cleared their roads and everything is normal even in a snow storm. So much for the media hype, that the UK can't cope with a little snow!
Glad your feeling a tad better now!
Crossing fingers for my Mum but she has always been batty as a fruit cake, she can be lovely with it. She has been in the Uk 50 years this year!

[Buda]

Hi Starbear - they do clear the roads - it is just my driveway and the small roads near our house. After a five min drive I would be on a bus route so that would be fine - if I could get that far. Taking DS to school by bus would involve 3 buses. Could be done - but not by me. I am a lightweight - I freely admit it!

[Starbear]

Is there nothing local? I've got to admit we live in a little house in the town centre instead of a four bedroom place further out. I will walk rather than take a bus. 3 buses never! I've got to admit I'm no lightweight Thick and stupid but not a lightweight Ha Ha!I went on a summer holiday in Budapest in the 80's looked lovely, food crap, cakes divine! Also lake Balaton lovely too!
Is it still the same?

[Buda]

Budapest itself is still the same I suspect - food is better though! Haven't been to Lake Balaton though so can't comment.

We have nothing local unfortunately - live out in the sticks! Well we have a Tesco about a 15/20 min walk away but it is all down hill. So therefore uphill on the way back. I know I SHOULD do it but I don't.