Advice for a sad lady

[bitdowntoday]

I'm a regular-ish poster on mumsnet, but ave changed my name for this as i'd like some advice but don't want people knowing what's wrong with me. I've been on anti-depressants for 2 years now and no-one except my Dr and DH know, so I'm quite private about it all, which is why I don't want MNers knowing who I am? Do you understand? It might sound silly, but I can't help it.
Anyway, I've got a loving dh, an okay job, a beautiful nearly 5 mo daughter and basically everything should be great. Except it isn't. I decided in January that after 2 years I was going to stop taking ADs which I did, but I've gone into a downward spiral since. I'm back to crying every day for no particular reason except that I'm sad and I'm not even sure why.
I'm having doubts about my mothering skills, have awful thoughts abuot Dh not loving me and DD growing up to hate me etc. I feel so crappy about myself, my job, what I haven't done with my life, how I'm never going to do lots of the things I wanted to and basically want it to stop. Some days I just want everything to go away (not as in killing myself), I just want to be on my own, in a room and have some quiet. Before I had DD and before I went on ADs, I would soemtimes lie under the blankets in the spare room and just sob for hours on end, and I can feel the smae desire to be left alone, not to want to go out, not to see or speak to people returning.
Just wanted to hear from some others who've got through depression and maybe give me well-needed kick up the backside

Thanks

[MARRA]

hi heres a hug anyway.
had similar feeling i.e regarding dh and dd but gave myself a good talking too.
if your gonna live on this land you may as well make it as nice as possible.
a good friend of mine lost her 32 year old friend last year to cancer leaving a 12 year old son behind....whats he doing? getting on with his life and enjoying it to the full, yeah he misses mum loads but she has taught him a huge lesson...live life to the full as you just do not know whats gonna happen, dont regret anything you do just learn from life in general.
you are a wife and mother....hardest job in the world and we have it....lets enjoy whilst we can eh?

[Skribble]

Hi BTT I still feel like that sometimes, after first baby I was very depressed I would just sit with my head in my hands all day so much so that DS's speech was delayed and was refered to speeach therapy.

My "saving grace" was a new job whan DS was 5mths, I had to be cheery and outgoing (customer care) so I put on an act but I loved it I was just Me!!! My other thing was walking as soon as DH came in the door if I was stressed I would go for a walk, not a stroll but a purposeful stomp around the streets. Once I got the dance music on I was almost jogging.

I think you have to find something just for you, something you'll enjoy or just even sociable. I don't know what your into or what spare time you have. For example some fitness classes offer creches free or very cheap.

Maybe you will have to look at changing some things habits or situations that don't make you happy change one thing at a time and never give up on doing the things you always wanted to .

[rickman]

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[JanH]

bdt, I know sodall about it but wondered why you decided off your own bat to stop taking the ADs? Taking them isn't a sign of weakness, you know - any more than taking paracetamol for a headache - have you tried going back to your GP and starting with them again? Then after a while, if you are feeling more in control of things, you could come off gradually.

You don't need or want a kick up the backside but you do need to sort out the ADs again before you can move forward. Your thoughts about DH not loving you or DD hating you are the depression, not you - you are still depressed - DD is only 5 months, it is too soon for PND or whatever to have sorted itself out. Please go back on the ADs.

[ScummyMummy]

Hi bdt. So sorry to hear you're feeling awful. Can you say a bit more about why you've chosen to stop taking the ADs and why now seemed like a good time to try that? From what you've said so far I really agree with janh that re-starting them might be a very good idea. Lots of people with depression relapse when they stop taking meds, either because they need to reduce their dose very gradually with medical supervision or because they need to keep taking anti-depressants longterm to stay well. As janh says, there is no shame in that. Either way, from an outsider's perspective, this doesn't sound like the greatest time to be trying to stop taking them, if you don't mind me being a bit blunt. Of course new babies are lovely but they are also v stressful and demanding- half the threads on mumsnet confirm that! You need to be as well as you possibly can be to cope with your babe and offer her the best. It sounds like that might mean taking the ADs, at least for the moment. Would it be worth making an appointment with your GP to explain what's happened, get a new prescription and discuss a plan for a more managed, gradual reduction of your ADs at a later, much less stressful date? Worth considering, I think. Hope you feel a lot better soon. Take care of yourself.

[bathmummy]

bdt - massive big hugs
If you have been on ADs for two years and during that time been pregnant, gone through labour, dealt with having a new baby and coped with the inevitable relationship shift between DH and yourself that becoming parents creates and have come out the other side you are doing OK. Be kind to yourself, you and your body have been through a huge deal physically, hormonally and emotionally even before taking into account depression. Remember that crying is a normal and healthy form of release, see it as a means of coping rather than a sign of weakness or indication that you are "failing" as a person somehow. Of course you are going to have doubts about your parenting skills - EVERY new mum does, it is not only normal but is probably unavoidable. As humans we are progammed to analyse and debrief ourselves constantly as a way of learning, digesting and moving on. Anything that matters a huge deal to us, such as how well we are bringing up our children is going to get scrutinised to death by our harshest critic, ie. ourselves. Instead of thinking of all those things we have done badly or could have done better we need to force ourselves into looking for the positive and accept that we could all do things differently with hindsight.
I recommend that you speak to someone soon such as your GP and DH for a start. There are lots of different AD treatments out there and maybe a different does or type will help you cope more effectively while you work your way through this difficult time. Support and understanding will help. Recognising you need it and accepting it will also help kick start your route to feeling better.
I find that writing helps me cope. I write endless lists of what is upsetting me, what I am failing to do, what is going well etc. etc. and somehow putting it on paper helps to put it all into context and help me see the "edges" of my misery. By making it feel less infinite and more defined I can usually start to work my way out of it and find ways of dealing with what Ican change and how to accept those things that are out of my control. The hardest part is to accept that my parenting skills are not as bad as I believe them to be and that my children will grow up not resenting me. It is really hard sometimes as it doesn?t matter what DH says as I just believe he will say anything to stop me from being tearful and miserable all the time and only syays what he thinks I want to hear rather than the truth. I keep a picture of our family by my bedside light so that every morning I look at our smiling faces and tell myself that today will be a positive day and today we will aim to be that happy again and live the day as if it were our only day. Works for me (most of the time).
Keep talking/posting.

[bitdowntoday]

Thanks for all your lovely advice, it is comforting to know I'm not the only one who's been a bit down.
The reason I decided to come off the ADs was that I knew it had to be done. I don't want to be on them forever, I never intended to be on them this long anyway, I just kept finding reasons not to come off them, it was always a bad time i.e....
First it was moving to a potentially more stressful job, then it was arranging my wedding, then I fell pregnant. At this point I went to DRs ready to come off them and she advised me that with the small dose I'm on anyway, and the very small risks to the baby, it would be better to stay on them ... happy mother = happy baby. After the birth I was trying to stave off PND and now here I am.
I thought to myself, I'm back to work in a few weeks, that could be another excuse to use them for longer and so on. There might always be another excuse for me to clutch at.
I've been told over and over by DH and DR that it's not an awful thing to be on them, but I can't help feeling like I should be able to cope on my own, and am ashamed. It's silly really as I worked in an area of Mental Health care a few years ago and I never thought this about the people who used ADs then, it seems the shame only applies to me.
I have always prided mysef on being able to cope, orgnaise, pick up and get on, and just can't deal with people knowing I can't sometimes. I don't want pity (which I will get from family) or people tip-toeing around me so as not to upset me, so it's easier not to tell. I have also been aware that DH has to deal with it on his owna s I've asked him not to tell anyone, which makes me feel like burden on him as well. I am afraid to go abck to DRs in case she advises me to go back on them, which would seem like a step back, but I'm nto coping very well off them, so I'm really confused.
Bathmummy, writing this helps, so I guess I could be posting every couple of hours from now on!

I am on the October thread sometimes btw.

[Dior]

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[flakecake]

Hi ya, have you talked to you doc about alternative ways of attaining the nutrients you need? I'm just suggesting 'maybe' it's a chemical that's lacking, as this is what my doc has suggested to me, but we are not sure.
How I get through depression?... try to focus outside myself on what others need.
Stay as active as you can. Look at your diet, tried that?