Think i still must have pnd is it possible this late on? my life is falling apart...

[ScoobyDoo]

Background history, have always suffered depression since i was 12 & lost my dad it started just after that.
Depression & ocd runs in the family on my mothers side.

After dd was born when she was about 3 months i had terrible pnd, did not want anyone to see or hold my baby, could not leave the house, used to have terrible panic attacks, simple day to day life was becoming impossible etc.

When dd was about 1.6 years i started to feel a bit better, picked myself up & decided to try to carry on without the ad's i have done quiet well but i always see i am not 100% normal IYKWIM?

DD is now 2.7 years & i just get so down, i go from one extreme to the other, 1 day i can be happy as anything the next i can be so down i just want to give up & die.

My relationship with dp is completely falling apart, i feel used by many friends, i feel lonely, dropped by family & just resentful of everything.

Today as you can probably tell i am having a bad day, no one knows have no one to talk to, don't want to tell dp because he will just say i am never happy, nothing will ever make me happy & to get a grip like he always does, which obviously makes me feel more shit than i do already.

I went back to the doctors 5 weeks ago & said i felt low, they just thrown prescription of ad's at you & thats it, i did actually pick them up on saturday & am going to start the pack today as it may help.

I just want to feel loved, appriciated, cared about, not so alone & fed up, i honestly think i may have been put in this world for a life of misery, i try so hard to make life better, life is a bit better but i seem to sink now & then & my moods are so erratic it gets me down.

Dp says it is strange & he thinks i can't cope, i can cope & i do cope when i have to & it makes me angry he thinks this is of me, he is such an ass sometimes.

I don't know how to get out of this, i don't even know what is wrong with me but i feel like crap.

I really needed to get this of my chest so had to rant, i have no one else to explain this to & am better at writing things down, hope you don't mind.

[Nemoandthefishes]

aww scooby
It might be general depression but depression is depression whether it is PND or otherwise triggered. Start the ADs and go back to GP and ask to be refered for counselling if they dont help then contact sure start/homestart and ask do they know of any voluntary counselling organisations in your area as most councils have one. I can completely empathise as someone who has put up with depression for 5yrs You have had some hard things happen in your life and sometimes it is when things are seemingly ok that your brain kicks in with these things. If I remember rightly you are also part of the non sleepers clubs like me with the dds which of course then feeds the depressive cycle.
please be kind to yourself and give me a shout if you want to talk

[ScoobyDoo]

Thanks nemo, depression sucks, it really does, i just long to be this happy, care free person living life to the fulliest, instead i seem to be a misery most of the time.

DD is actually getting a tad better at sleeping through the night (thank god) i just not work 25-30 hours a week.

I am actually sitting here today running through my whole life & thinking how i messed up & how the way my life is now is because of my past.

If only you could turn back clocks i would do some many things different knowing what i know about life now!

[Sam100]

Hi Scooby - you are doing really well to recognise that you have depression and that this is not normal for you.

I had a bad bout after one of my dc - but did not recognise it and had an awful year of feeling useless and generally being a crap wife/mother etc and being completely paranoid about all sorts of things. I did not go to the doctor (in fact I positively avoided it which looking back was stupid) and slowly got better but I still get days now and again when I plummet. Mine seems to be sleep related - if I have a run of bad nights my mood gets worse and worse until I tip over into depression.

Have you heard of this site here - it is a self help thing based on CBT.

[ScoobyDoo]

Thanks sam100 i am going to have a look at your link now.

Maybe mine is due to tiredness but i am mostly always tired due to working/children i actually never wake up & feel refreshed to be honest.

I go from one extreme to the other, today i feel like jacking it all in & running away with just my kids, i know it's not possible but it is really tempting.

I also have the inlaws coming for the weekend, somthing i can totally do without due to the fact me & dp habve alot of issues right now, the last thing i feel like doing is entertaining., i am also working.

[ScoobyDoo]

Still feel crap, sent dp a sarcastic text message as he has not ven bothered to conatct us oday...