Need to set the scene for why I feel like I do, so please bear with me.
My dd is nearly 3. For the best part of these 3 years I have felt a failure as a Mum and its left me feeling unfulfilled and very sad. She was a difficult baby - very cranky, cried a lot, wouldn't be put down easily during the day (although thank God I had good nights out of her from about 3 months), didn't much like being handled by others - used to go ballistic at her one nanny if she picked her up, hated being bathed, cried at every new toy and stimulus I tried on her - they were difficult times. Coupled with this, breastfeeding was a nightmare as she would suckle for hours and cry inconsoleably when I'd had enough and prised her off me. I wanted to give up breastfeeding as it was making me so unhappy, but my HV told me that if I switched to formula, I'd have to make it up on demand as a baby had died from being given stored formula. This put the fear of God into me - I felt making formula on demand was just not workable (how can you wait for it to cool down when you have a screaming baby waiting for milk) so I felt I had no choice but to continue bf which I did til she was 6 months old and it made me thoroughly miserable as I had sores on my boobs and seemed to spend the best part of the day on the sofa with a miserable child clamped to my chest.
She is still hard work - I appreciate we are in the terrible 2's and tantrums are part of the daily routine. But she is also demanding, stroppy, unco-operative and winds me up beyond belief a lot of the time. She keeps doing things she knows she's not supposed to - eg she keeps kicking the dog which makes me so mad. Potty training is also not happening as she just refuses to use the potty - I've tried all sorts, but nothing seems to work.
All this has left me feeling like I've failed - it must be my fault that her behaviour has always been difficult. I just don't seem to be able to mould her behaviour and she isn't the person I wanted her to be . I'm fed up with her showing me up in front of people with her tantrums and strops - as I feel I can't control her it leaves me feeling small - especially in front of my in-laws as my MIL is so fab with kids and brought up 3 model children.
I think a lot of the way I feel is my fault. I've always been really hard on myself. I was bullied as a kid and when you are told you are useless, ugly, no-one wants to be your friend it stays with you and I've always felt inferior and hopeless. I felt useless at every job I ever had - was passed over for numerous positions and had a disastrous typing job where the head secretary and her boss ganged up on me as I did sometimes make typing mistakes. FGS, I was only 17 but they cut me no slack. The more they ganged up, the worse my work got as I was so stressed and upset. Other stuff has happened too which I wont bore you with, that has also sapped my confidence and has made me the person I am today.
I always thought that if i was lucky enough one day to have children, I'd make a good mum. Everyone said I would, but I feel I've failed at that too. I'm so short tempered with my dd sometimes and shout, sometimes I smack and all this makes me feel like the worse mum in the world. I soemtimes think that it's because of my bad temperedness that her behaviour isn't good. I can't shake this feeling of failing and wish I could start all over again - not have got so stressed with the breastfeeding, not have got stressed over her crankiness and as she's gotten older, dealt more effectively with her bad behaviour - and generally, just been a bit happier. Every day, I wake up and instead of looking forward to the day, I just get on with it and am a bit indifferent, really.
I just feel like I've spoiled her early years and possibly my only opportunity to be mum to a baby and toddler. It's supposed to be enjoyable, but I haven't enjoyed it much and I know I won't get that time back again. It makes me think, what's the point.
Sorry it's long and rambly, but just really wanted to write it all down. Has eanyone else ever felt like this?
Thanks for listening. x.
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Mental health
Wish I could turn back the clock, I'd have tried to do it differently.......
17 replies
balanomorey · 17/08/2008 11:42
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