I don’t know how to go on anymore

[keepthelastdream]

Just that really. I can’t remember the last time I was happy and I can’t imagine ever being happy again. I cry every day on the way to work, I’m having to take breaks throughout the day to cry in the toilets at work and then cry all the way home. I’m miserable all the time and although I would never do anything, in reality, no one would miss me if I wasn’t here. No partner, I have a handful of friends- none of which would bother to message unless I made the first move. Family wise it’s just me and my dad and whilst he’s lovely, we aren’t particularly close.

I feel like I’ve tried to everything to get better. I’ve tried CBT, countless antidepressants, going for walks, going to support groups and exercising etc... and nothing helps. I feel like all I do is cry, go to work then come home and cry some more. Life’s just unbearable. I’m 28 and I have absolutely no one I can’t trust or talk to. I’m ridiculously lonely which is half the problem I think but I’m just never enough for anyone. I try to be nice and help people where needed- I’d do anything for my friends/dad/colleagues without a second thought or needing to be asked but I have absolutely no one that would do the same for me.

People must realise I’m struggling, I live at home and I’m pretty sure my dad hears me crying and my colleagues can definitely tell at work. I set up weekly zoom calls within our friendship group last lockdown which I haven’t been able to face due to anxiety the last month and no one seems to have noticed I’m not there. I rang the GP last week after a particularly bad day and the locum just said “well it’s a tough time for everyone right now”

I know compared to what other people are going through I have a great life. Realistically I know I shouldn’t be this anxious and depressed but I can’t get rid of the feelings. I keep telling myself it’ll get better but It never does. I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here- I guess it just need somewhere to write it all down.

[bearlyactive]

Handholding until someone wiser comes along OP

[FippertyGibbett]

What antidepressants have you tried, and for how long ?

[madcatladyforever]

That's awful that you are feeling so low OP I'm so sorry.
I think your 20's is a really tough and difficult time, you are only just an adult and trying to find your way and you've got all this covid shit to deal with as well
I am 60 now and remember my 20's was the most miserable time of my life and I often felt suicidal, speaking to a lot of friends they all say the same thing.
Your 50's is pretty shit too but age helps you deal with it.
By your 30's you generally feel more confident and independent and work seems to take off then.
Do whatever you need to do to get through this rough period, anti-depressants, samaritans, CBT, going to bed at 7 o clock and sleeping through it.
It will get better, I guarantee by next summer all of this will be over and we'll be starting to live again.
people are crap and getting in touch though, this is life, I only have friends because I chase everyone, I have one friend who contacts me first, it is an uphill struggle but it's worth chasing because one encounter can lead to another and you meet new people by going out and doing things.
Maybe try a bit of dating online when we're allowed out again? But treat it like just a day out don't take it too seriously.
Just concentrate on one day at a time right now.

[keepthelastdream]

@FippertyGibbett I tried fluoxetine at varying doses for about 8 or 9 months, sertraline at various doses for about a year and a half and most recently I’ve been on citalopram for around a year and just had the dose increased to 40mg and I’ve been on that dose for around 8 weeks now.

[Hailtomyteeth]

A handhold from me, too.

If it's any consolation, a lot of people don't have the cosy friendships we sometimes see in films. Life can be pretty lonely.

What worked for me was realising that 'one moment at a time' really means that. Notice every positive/happy/less painful than usual moment and bank it. One in the bank. I set my criteria for 'happiness' at 'not in (much) physical or emotional pain/have a roof over my head'. I noticed I was on the winning side there, quite often. It's a simple thing to do but it makes a difference. Keep a blog, vlog or journal of some kind. I use my fb for that. I talk, but not necessarily to anyone :) It's fine.

You know how you'd do anything to help other people? Set some time aside for yourself.

Sorry, I didn't intend to try to advise. Just to wish you well.

[user1843685313563]

Realistically I know I shouldn’t be this anxious and depressed but I can’t get rid of the feelings.

Why not? It's how you feel.

Despite what that crappy locum said, suffering is not a competition. You're suffering right now and that's important.

I don't want to our into the details of your life so I don't expect you to post your answer to this - have you experienced trauma?

I ask because you've listed trying the standard approaches for depression and not finding them helpful. It is not unusual for people who are traumatised to be mis-diagnosed with depression (because it's a symptom of trauma), receive depression treatments that obviously don't help because they're not appropriate, and then feel hopeless.

Depression is an easy diagnosis for a GP to dish out, but depression that is "treatment-resistant" tends to be because it is misdiagnosed and therefore being incorrectly treated. Depression is a side effect of plenty of other illnesses / disorders.

Separately, sometimes people can't cope with another person's distress. So a lack of response could be because they're overwhelmed rather than uncaring. Equally, not saying anything to you can come from a wish to give you space or not knowing what to say. It doesn't mean you're unloved or unnoticed.

You've clearly tried really, really hard to help yourself. I don't think it's your fault you still find yourself in so much pain but I also don't think it's hopeless.

[user1843685313563]

Another thought... Sometimes it's better to stop trying to get rid of painful feelings and just watch them instead. Which I realise sounds shit!

But when you stop fighting against how you feel it saves energy and stops that sense of failing. It's exhausting fighting against yourself.

In turn it reduces how much of a hard time you give yourself for feeling how you do.

It also gives you the chance to see that the intensity of the pain, distress and anxiety ebbs and flows over time. It can bring a small amount of relief to be aware that sometimes things are a little less painful than in the worst moments.

[KateLink]

Hi Keepthelastdream,

I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. Firstly, you ARE worthwhile. You are uniquely you and that is of value in and of itself.

Whatever is going on in the world, and whatever anyone else is dealing with is not comparable to you and how you feel. We are each affected by different things and that is OK.

I felt similarly to you in my twenties - I felt like I didn't 'fit' and I would never find happiness. But I did. And I'm telling you there are other things you can try. Just writing it here is a really positive step.

Sometimes people know you are in pain, but don't know how to broach it, or what to say. They worry about you but don't want to say the 'wrong' thing and risk making things worse.

The most important thing is that you have reached out. If you want to talk, please do feel free to contact me. I will listen and offer any support I can through my own experience.

Kate xx