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So low

(8 Posts)
July56 Tue 15-Sep-20 03:11:45

I had breast cancer last year and despite being ok now I can’t move on. I just can’t get over what happened despite being over 18 months ago. I found talking about it during treatment very difficult as I didn’t want to burden everyone with it. I genuinely felt everyone would be sick of hearing me talking about cancer, bringing everyone down so I said nothing.
I’ve been a mess since treatment ended and at times haven’t been able to hold in how I feel. I’ve tried to tell my very close friends how I’m feeling now or when I’ve really wanted to share something that’s happened it always ends up with me having to explain why I can’t move on.
I’ve ended up avoiding people, I really can’t face being asked how I am. I know I should just say I’m fine and smile but I feel so awful I just want someone to know or care. When I realise they don’t understand or I’ve been told to think positive, be grateful I’m cured, it leaves me feeling worse.
I’m speaking to a counsellor but I really don’t know where that’s going. I don’t know if I fully understand how it works and worry the counsellor despairs I’m not helping myself enough. Tbh I just want to pull the duvet over my head and leave the world to carry on without me.
Im not sure why I’m posting on here, I just needed to off load it.

OP’s posts: |
EveryDaysASchoolDayEh Tue 15-Sep-20 03:18:43

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure you know this but your feelings are completely normal considering the trauma you've experienced.

My cousin is a breast cancer survivor and she said similar to you that it's extremely lonely. You don't want to burden people, or people just say the wrong thing. Most people don't really know how to sit and listen, and let you feel sad. They feel like they have to force you to feel better or look on the bright side. Inside, she was shouting, 'maybe there just isn't a flipping bright side, okay?!'

Others with cancer can also be too consumed with their own trauma (which is as it should be) to offer support.

So you walk a lonely road.

I think you are doing all the right things by seeing a counsellor but try not to worry about what the counsellor thinks of you. They are there for you and to help you process. They're not there to judge you.

Big bunch of flowers and chocolate for you thanks, and wishing you strength to get through the next day and the next.

Thack Tue 15-Sep-20 03:27:24

@July56 it might not feel it, but to go through all that, keep it bottled up and take the energy to consider others shows so much strength. It's understandable that you have run down to a low point- it's allowed!

Can we help as a sounding board? I find writing clears my thoughts, it might help you to structure what you want to say to friends and family later.

GoldenNCurly Tue 15-Sep-20 11:30:46

Hi OP, hope you are okay flowers
Do you have Facebook? There may be some support groups you can join where you can share your feels with others who have/are experiencing what you are going through

hustler2020 Tue 15-Sep-20 11:39:55

you are not alone maybe join a group where people have experienced the same kind of thing

dont be so hard on yourself if you don't feel your’e ok then thats fine

i just think sometimes people don't know what to say or what to ask as they don't want you to relive it so they say nothing

reach out what you have been through is traumatic but you did it

your not a victim your a survivor flowers

July56 Tue 15-Sep-20 12:53:12

Thank you for your replies, it means a lot. Things are pretty tough most of the time but sometimes it feels even worse. I just needed to off load what I felt which I find difficult to do with family & friends.

@EveryDaysASchoolDayEh I hope your cousin is doing ok now. What you’ve said is very much how it feels going through this. There’s so much to cope with post treatment that it never really ends.

@GoldenNCurly & @hustler2020
I have joined a group on Facebook which has helped but sometimes I find it easier to open up anonymously. With some groups you have those that appear to fly through everything and while of course I’m glad for them, it has the effect of making me feel bad for not being the same.

I’ve spoken to my counsellor this morning which was much better than previous sessions. I felt the stuff we talked about I got a better understanding of which has helped.
Thank you again

OP’s posts: |
hustler2020 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:45:48

first rule of thumb dont compare your journey to anyone else your journey is yours alone & if its taking you time to get there so be it dont beat yourself up

as for therapist sometimes it takes a few sessions to gel or to find the right therapist. if you need someone i have an amazing lady

otherwise keep posting

Cissyandflora Wed 16-Sep-20 00:15:44

I haven’t been through this myself but my thoughts reading your post are that it seems really natural that you would be dealing with the trauma of this episode. It sounds shocking and terrifying and you’ve somehow got through it physically. Now you need to process it mentally. 18 months is very recent. I think it will take you more time. I hope you manage to feel better soon.

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