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Anyone else not like where they live?

(12 Posts)
Juliecloud Fri 21-Aug-20 18:22:17

I didn’t know where to post this but I decided mental health was the best as that comes into it.

I am so unhappy with life and have been for years. We relocated several years ago for work and I’ve never felt settled here. I’ve made some good friends and would miss them if I left. But it’s not the same as where I’m from. Our house is too small for us now but we can’t afford to move. I hate doing the school run as some parent is always bitching about another parent and it’s draining. DH doesn’t want to leave his job. So I feel so stuck. I have had problems with depression before. I’m not on any medication just now it. Anyway, medication won’t change the fact that I do not want to live where we live. We are hours away from family and get no help with the DC (one with ASD, another waiting for the assessment).
I am totally and utterly exhausted all the time.
I don’t see how things will improve any time soon 😢 what can I do?

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Finfintytint Fri 21-Aug-20 18:31:21

It’s not the location. It’s your mindset. You say you have made friends so focus on that. If you really can’t afford to move and jobs prevent that then make the best of what you have.
Never had help from family. You adapt. Ignore the negative twats at the school gate. It takes up no more than twenty minutes of your day.
If depression is a problem, then seek help. Does DH do his fair share?

Juliecloud Fri 21-Aug-20 19:24:52

He tries, but he works long hours.

I am trying to focus on the good things about living here. But nothing can change the fact that we are so far from family. And I’d like to see them more.

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Happenchance Fri 21-Aug-20 19:36:56

Hi OP, I’m in a similar boat. I moved here for my job and hate both where I live and the job. Depression can be situational, caused by events like moving. I know that my mental health has suffered since I moved. Have you sat down with your DH and made it clear how you are feeling?

Juliecloud Fri 21-Aug-20 22:55:19

Yes, he knows how I feel. But he doesn’t want to change jobs. So I don’t know what we can do.

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Juliecloud Sat 22-Aug-20 09:02:22

The problem with the school gates is that DC want to invite their friends back for a play date, so I have to speak to at least some of them. But they are toxic. Always bitching about someone and complaining about the school.

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Sunrise85 Sat 22-Aug-20 09:06:51

I moved recently and it sent me into a spiralling breakdown.

I since moved back to recover. With my families support.

It’s a huge financially worry but I think I did the right thing blush

@Juliecloud could you self refer for CBT? It helped me so much. flowers this is my 2nd good day in a row so it’s very raw for me still.

Juliecloud Sat 22-Aug-20 09:21:33

I haven’t self-referred for CBT, I’ll look into it. Thanks 😊

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Happenchance Sat 22-Aug-20 12:47:45

Have you agreed a plan with your OH, such as aim to move to a bigger house by such a time? Can your OP get a transfer to a different location through his company, after a certain period of time? Can you plan to spend holidays with your family/arrange times for them to come and stay in a local B&B, so that you have something to look forward to?

I’m sure at least one other parent must feel the same about the bitching. Have you tried talking to the quiet parents who have already distanced themselves from the bitchy behaviour?

Have you tried mindfulness OP and @Sunrise85? I can recommend the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It also comes as an illustrated pocketbook if you are not feeling up to reading the whole book. I’ve also heard good things about the Headspace app.

JadesRollerDisco Sat 22-Aug-20 17:24:26

I have done this before, and then moved back and discovered than my MH moved with me and the move fixed nothing. I would work on your mindset first, then only move if you are feeling more positive anyway IYSWIM

Tasje Sat 22-Aug-20 18:51:57

I would totally recommend moving somewhere else if you are unhappy. My partner and I used to have completely opposite feelings about the neighbourhood we lived in. He used to think it was great from a practical perspective, plus he liked the vibe, whereas I felt like everyone stuck to themselves and hated the vibe and never felt at home.

That lasted over three years before a good opportunity to move elsewhere arose. My partner was extremely resistant and was threatening to stay put right up to the week before the moving date. It was extremely stressful (and makes me feel angry thinking about it now) but we did end up moving and now he absolutely loves it here. Our relationship has improved significantly because we are both happy and that means there is no resentment.

Anyway, I don't know what your conversations with your husband are like but I definitely think I could have communicated more effectively with my partner in hindsight. I used say things like 'I hate here, I just want to leave' on loop. He can be very resistant to change, so I think those kind of things only made him shut down.

If I could have my time again, I would probably sit down and have a chat to him that acknowledges his feelings better and explains my feelings better. Most importantly I would ask if we could create a plan together to move somewhere where we both feel happy. Even if that meant moving in a year's time, I think I would have been a lot happier knowing I had an exit plan. Anyway, apologies if you've already tried that, I think when I was going through the same thing I was so frustrated that I struggled to communicate in a way that would have got me the best results.

Juliecloud Mon 24-Aug-20 10:58:43

DH wants to move to a bigger house locally. But I just see that as wasting money, when we could use that money to go somewhere else. There aren’t any other branches of DH’s work, it’s entirely based here and is very specialised.
I wish we had moved years ago. Or I’d never agreed to move here in the first place. The people are so unfriendly. I invite kids to our house all the time. The DCs never get invited to other peoples houses. I’ve been standing with 2 other mums at the school gates and they will arrange to go for coffee and not invite me. It’s soul-destroying.
The DCs are all at primary so at the moment, I can only see staying here until they are finished high school. Which feels like a long time confused

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