Obsession with my ex is ruining my life

[Justwanttobehappy30]

We broke up 6 years ago. Thank have thought about him every day since.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have a new dp and amazing little girl but there have been times where I have felt suicidal because I can’t get him out of my head. I avoid places for fear of bumping into him. I know something is very wrong here but I don’t know how to stop it.
I feel like I will never get over this and be happy again. It is robbing me of so much joy and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the loneliness of keeping this to myself (although have finally started seeing a counsellor recently).
Please someone tell me you have felt like this and it went away? I am desperate to feel like me again.

[Justwanttobehappy30]

Sorry for typos should say ‘I have thought about him’

[Thornhill58]

It happened to me for decades. Happily married but our break up was very traumatic and I simply could get over it.
I started to see a counsellor and she said that my trauma was frozen in time. Like time hadn't pass in my mind.
It was a revelation I realised how time didn't heal my wounds and I was grieving. Our break up was terrible and I felt he walk away without consequences. I hated that I couldn't get over it.
After seeing a counsellor I started to talk about it until I literally got sick of talking about it. Soon I started to think about it less and less. I can tell you that it's and will be part of my life but I'm great now.
I hated every minute that I wasted thinking about him. I understand that I couldn't do it on my own and family and friends didn't get it. I wasn't free to talk about it but I got it out of my system.
I know you can recover from it. I hope you find a great counsellor. Best thing I ever did.

[Justwanttobehappy30]

Thank you so much. I am upstairs crying my eyes out so my do doesn’t see me. The pain still feels as real as it did when we broke up. I’m so glad you have been able to move past it, that has given me hope. I have been assessed for Trauma therapy too. It was the most horrendous time in my life and I do still feel stuck there. I just want it gone. Sometimes I look at my little girl and feel such guilt as I wouldn’t have her if that relationship didn’t end. The only time I was free of these feeling was when she was born, but then they began to creep back in.
what is wrong with me?

[Justwanttobehappy30]

@Thornhill58 do you mean you were happily married to someone new?

[Thornhill58]

I really understand you. I've been thru it and I can say to you I waited decades to see a therapist. Huge mistake. I started to feel better almost immediately because I was able to talk about it without interruptions or judgement.
I was deeply traumatised by the split. I didn't understand that I stayed frozen in time.

[Thornhill58]

I got married about 2 years after the split. Lasted about 3 years. I wasn't happy because I was still grieving for my ex. I got married again 3 years after and I'm still married after 31 years. Very happy.
I saw a counsellor about 6 years ago and it changed my life. Best thing ever.

[Thornhill58]

I've been married twice.

[Raimona]

You’ve lost someone. For all practical purposes a breakup is the same as a death. The person is gone from your life and you’ll never see them again. In fact it’s worse than a death because they chose to leave you. You wouldn’t expect to completely forget about a beloved family member who died, so why should you forget about an ex? You’re bereaved and it’s normal to grieve. I occasionally cry for my Gran who’s been dead for 20 years. And I occasionally cry for the boyfriend who left my life 23 years ago. It doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on. It just means you haven’t forgotten - and why should you? I don’t understand this obsession with “getting over it”. It’s part of your history. You deal with it like any other grief - you put it to the back of your mind and get on with your life. There will be days when it pops back into your thoughts and it still hurts, and that’s perfectly fine and normal. Make your peace with it and keep moving forward.

[StormBaby]

Trauma bonds are very hard to break and you definitely need counselling

[Thornhill58]

Raimona you are spot on. I think is that sometimes we just need a little help and guidance to process grief and loss. So hard to learn how not to miss people that we loved.

[Justwanttobehappy30]

@Raimona thank you, I do see what you are saying and hope I can get into that mindset