I want to escape

[Bigfatfailure]

I am so low at the moment.
I have a decision to make regarding my job and i need to know by monday.I don't know what to do? every time i think about it my stomach turns.
I have been so stressed over it and i cracked today when my parents arrived at lunchtime to collect my dc to take them out.I felt like i hadn't had a minute head space and my parents were asking me lots of things when they could see i was stressed so i got worked up and my mum suggested i needed to see a GP as i "obviously wasn't coping again" so i shouted and she had a right go at me which culminated with me saying something nasty which cut deep with her so she hit me.My dc were present when all this went on.I told my parents that i wanted them to go as they had made me feel even worse and that the dc stayed with me.
If i had somewhere to run to now i would go.
Everyone would be better off without me as i only upset everyone.
And i am such a failure as a mother it is untrue i am slowly screwing my kids heads up.
I know that my eldest (aged 6)hates me already.

[thelittleElf]

Oh i really don't know what to say . Maybe a chat with your gp would help you...but please don't think that you are a failure! You are not...you're just struggling abit at the moment. We all do from time to time and it's nothing to feel embaressed about.
big hugs to you xx

[Bigfatfailure]

I told dd1 that she had chosen her side (because she stuck up for my mum),never mind the fact that nannie hit me.
I told her mommy wont be here in the morning ,i have said horrible things many times before.What kind of mother does that make me?
Evil

[NadiaBaggyTwat]

No it doesn't make you evil.. it makes you stressed and upset. It's what you do next that counts. Explain to DD that you said the things you did and acted the way you did because you were feeling very bad and that you love her and would never leave her. This will makes things ok with her. Children are forgiving little souls. But try not to say those things again or have skimishes with your mother in front of them.

I am similar; I say bad things to those I love the most when I am not coping. It's not a nice way to behave but it doesn't make you a monster. Why did you mum say that about not "coping again"? Have you had problems in the past with depression? If so, DO go back to the doctor. In fact maybe go anyway. This does not make you a failure.. it makes you a COPER for making an attempt to face up to your anxiety problems.

And re the work issue, go with your heart, if you can. I'm sure it's not that straightforward, but if you try to do what you gut instinct is telling you, you are unlikely to make the wrong decsion.

((hugs)) Stop beating yourself up. None of us are perfect.

[Bigfatfailure]

All i seem to do is shout at and moan about my dc.I never dreamt i would be so nasty as a mum.

[Bigfatfailure]

Thing is i won't go and apologise to dd ,i haven't got the energy and i feel so ashamed.

Antidepressants don't work have tried them lots of times.

[NadiaBaggyTwat]

But if you feel ashamed then obviously you are sorry and you need to tell her so. It doesn't do children any harm to know that their parents are not perfect. As long as they feel loved and safe the vast majority of the time.

Pehraps couselling or cognitive behavioral therapy would help you. Either way you need to go and discuss it with the doctor. Nothing will change until you make it change.