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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Berrie!

23 replies

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 10:50

Sorry, Berrie, I didn?t want to turn the other thread into a threadnap. So, to continue - It's actually the farm, mainly because of the levels of responsibility and work it puts on me when DH is not around and the amount of time DH devotes to it when he is here. Added to this is all the additional pressures of farming - like paperwork, DEFRA, and, errrr, mud, not to mention the sheer responsibility of livestock! I also hate the feeling of being trapped because you can't simply drive off to visit mates for the weekend as you have to organise farm cover which isn't so easy. There's a couple of other things, farm-related, which I can't go into, but it's all part and parcel of feeling trapped. Having just come through 3 years of financial hell and finally getting ourselves back on our feet, ironic is hardly the word for this. It sounds awful, but this would be so much easier if I didn?t still care for DH, I just hate farming and to him it?s part of his whole being, whereas I'd be happy never to see another animal in my life. hmmm.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 11:02

Do you rely on the farm for income?

Berrie · 03/08/2007 11:10

Are there any compromises to be had? Could you cut back on lifestock?
Do you like the countryside and the area?
If you talked to DH about how unhappy you are, is it feasible that he could guarentee you weekends away every so often in order to alleviate some of your feelings? Can you get an accountant/ someone to take some of the paperwork? It might not be possible but feeling like leaving is pretty big stuff and if there are any things that you can do to tackle some of the pressure they are worth considering.

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 11:12

No, not at all, quite the opposite. He works in the City - he set up his own business a few years ago, hence the financial straits, but it's finally beginning to pay off...slowly. I went back to work, partially to help with the money, but also to regain my own independence, sanity and sense of self worth. Not to mention getting DS out of a building site - I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 11:29

In that case, you are taking a lot of the responsibility for something that is Dh's hobby and it is making you miserable, so much so that you are questioning the relationship. I'm sure that dh doesn't love his farm more than he loves his family and much as he would be heartbroken to lose the dream farm life he would be even more heartbroken to lose you and ds. Can you talk to him without an ultimatum?
Would you be happier if there were less lifestock?

Berrie · 03/08/2007 11:30

Also what is your ideal set up if you could have it?

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 13:35

Sorry - had to go out to lunch.
Unfortunately, it's far more complicated and emotionally involving than just a 'hobby'. His parents split up when he was young and the family farm had to be sold and it's been his ambition to 'regain the farm' ever since. And the farm is also about building up a pedigree herd, which he is doing very successfully. As I say, there is also another element which I can say as it's so specific, but basically, this is also becoming extremely successful.
I also have to say that when we bought the place I was right behind him and really believed it was what I wanted too. But now I've either woken up, grown up or simply changed and this is not what I want any more.
My ideal set up, I think, would be to be a little closer to friends and family in a slightly smaller 'cosy' house with garden, either slap bang in the centre of town or in a village. But what doesn't help is DH emphasising continually how much DS loves the place and the livestock, and how much better it is for him than living in somewhere like London (which is where he thinks I want to go back to).

And thanks so much for putting up with this moaning - it is helpful to get my thoughts in order and written down.

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LyraBelacqua · 03/08/2007 13:42

So how does this farm thing work then? Who actually runs it while you and DH are at work? I've often wondered but didn't like to ask.
is it possible that in a few years' time, once the money's rolling in, you could get a small place in town and keep the farm too, for weekends, holidays etc? If that were a future possibility for you to look forward to, it might help you get through the present IYSWIM.
did you move there from London? I've often thought it would be wonderful to live on a farm but having lived in a city for so long I don't know if the reality would match up to the fantasy. Maybe it would be different if your DH was actually working on the farm every day rather than having to work away all week.
Sorry, I'm not helping much, am I {smile]

Berrie · 03/08/2007 13:59

You're not moaning. It's always nice to think about other people's problems rather than your own!
I see what you mean about it being tricky...Would you be happy there if you didn't have to have so much to do on the farm yourself? Could you get/afford more help?

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 14:08

The way it's working at the moment is that it pretty much takes care of itself - the livestock just get topped up with feed as and when which is pretty straightforward. DH then does all the heavy stuff at weekends and so on. And yes, help is on its way as we're finally getting through the financial problems, but at the moment, for me, it all feels like it's too late. And also, however much help you get, at the end of the day it's still me, who's at home with the livestock and with the responsibility for it. Which I don't want. This is why it's such an issue - even 1 animal is too many as you have to take responsibility for it no matter what numbres your talking about.

And the initial plan had been that we would keep a flat in London, but so far it hasn't worked out that way - he can't even find one for love nor money right now so is staying in shitty hotels. We've also talked about this a bit, and DH's view is that he now hates London so much, that me joining him there wouldn't be what he wants because he can't wait to get away from the place during the week - added to all the other arguments about bringing up children in central London and I think this as a future plan would be banging my head against a brick wall and no longer likely to happen.

Lyra, the farm thing was also my fantasy - too much Archers I think! - but personally, it's not been for me. Possibly, if circumstances had been diffirent, I could be feeling different now too, but I just don't know.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 14:43

Mmmm no easy solutions to this.Is DH happy?

LyraBelacqua · 03/08/2007 14:53

It's a really difficult one because it's not fair on you to have to live a lifestyle you don't want, but on the other hand it's not fair to make him give up the family home he's hankered after all his life, which is why I think the compromise of two places might be the only way forward.
Would he be happier if you looked for somewhere in London but not central? I don't personally think central London is great for bringing up children but outer areas can be great. Where we are is fantastic and we're half an hour from Waterloo by train.

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 15:23

If only it were that simple Lyra! He won't even go south of the river, let alone further west - personally, I'd live in SW12 or SW18 like a shot, but there you go. And no, he's really not happy either. We both know this conversation's coming and I think we both know that however it ends, it'll end badly with both of us unhappy.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 15:34

Oh dear...is he unhappy because you are unhappy or is the commuting getting to him, what is his best case senario?

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 15:51

Everything, I think. He knows I'm unhappy. He absolutely hates commuting, London and staying in hotels because he can't find a flat. He misses DS, he misses the farm, he misses me.
In his ideal world, he'd be happy sitting on the farm for months at a time without setting foot off it or seeing another person. Oh, and I probably wouldn't be working.
But in the real world, we have a mortgage and builders to pay and I'd be insane by now if I weren't working.
And funnily enough, the only thing that really isn't bothering me is that the builders are in at the moment.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 15:59

Are you depressed Boing? I mean ill depressed rather than fed up?

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 16:12

I don't know. Quite probably. But I can't see the purpose of visiting a doctor as I really don't want to be put on anything. Hence the counselling.

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 16:25

Because when you are depressed, in my experience, it is possible for the depression to focus on something and the problem is actually that you are depressed not the focus if that makes sense. That doesn't mean that the problem isn't a real problem for you just that if you sort out the depression you might find that the problem is not as big as you thought and that you have the strength to deal with it.

Like you, I didn't want to take medication but I have had to eventually relent on that. While depressed, and having counselling I obsessed and worried about my 'issue' and now, though it can still infuriate and upset me, it doesn't consume me and means that I can enjoy the rest of my life. It was way out of proportion.

Berrie sends a hug

BoingBoing · 03/08/2007 16:47

Thanks Berrie. You may well be right. And I certainly have my up and down points and feel an awful lot better when DH is home (and in a good mood).
Right, gonna head home. So thanks you guys, for being so supportive. It really does help. I'll hope the internet plays nicely over the weekend!

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Berrie · 03/08/2007 20:35

Boing you're welcome. Speak to you soon.

BoingBoing · 06/08/2007 09:51

Wish me luck for later, I'm seeing the counsellor at lunchtime! Obviously this weekend was the icing on the bloody cake and has focussed the mind a bit more. It certainly doesn't make life easier though, does it?

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Berrie · 06/08/2007 12:26

Oh sorry Boing, missed that...hope it goes well!

BoingBoing · 06/08/2007 13:56

Thanks Berrie! It wasn't too bad actually. I soggied quite a few tissues, but at least it got me talking. I'm not sure I'll see her again right now, but it's given me quite a bit to think about. But therapy session 2 is planned for the weekend. Getting totally plastered with my best mate should do it!

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Berrie · 06/08/2007 16:52

Glaad it was ok. These things are not very nice. Roll on the weekend!

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