Feeling see-through

[Satorye]

As once my teacher said"...you don't even notice her in the room, she's just there".
I feel this way as I'm walking down the street, as I'm inside these four walls with myself and my toddler.
No one really cares-who I am or how I feel, people just dare to give me looks. Every look people give me feels unfair because I can sense they despise me, pitty me, think of as easy and so on.
I'm not someone they worry not to missjudge it seems.
All the noise I try to make-people don't seem to care.
Sometimes I feel like I might be autistic even tho I know I am not. I feel this because I just don't understand why are people looking at me so strangely when I talk or just am? Am I so weird, uncomfortable? When I think I'm acting perfectly normal people seem to be giving me the look"what's going on with this poor girl".

I feel like I am trapped in a strange, if not wrong body(and I do not refer to being female I'm perfectly content with that).
Everything I do comes out wrong I feel it's someone else doing it not me. Nothing makes sense to me. Everything I want to or try do quickly seems to become a trap.
I just can't stand living this life anymore.

[dogzdinner]

Not sure what to say but want to let you know you're not alone. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel?

[Satorye]

I tried couple of counselling sessions but it was a waste of time and money. Basically all I saw again was pity and annoyance from therapist. And I've tried speaking to GP and some others to speak to, they all looked at me like I'm a weirdo I don't feel to go back.

[dogzdinner]

Were they private counselling sessions or NHS? If you can afford to pay I would recommend trying someone else, I've seen a few and they have been very different - one in particular made me feel worse and let me leave the session at a low point. Once you find the right one for you it can make a huge difference.

[Satorye]

I know there are good and bad therapists, this one was paid, in that charity Mind so not private-private but still.
I had conversations with few others(initial)and it's too expensive to go for bit more experienced ones, plus having recently kicked out my partner I can't afford or have anyone to keep my toddler. It's way out of my budget, being in debts and looking for job atm.
I just have to deal with it.

[Satorye]

I suppose it's all of the build up stress and anxiety. I need to practice breathing, speech(opening my mouth more to speak more clearly)and generally exercise regularly to get myself out of this stiffness. Problem is my mind wanders off, whole day gets wasted and I do only what I have to(like feed, bathe and keep my toddler clean and entertained, perhaps some cleaning that has to be done).
I know I should be far more grateful for what I have. I just don't know how to make myself stop working on 1/3 of my capacity. I'm not lazy but I don't know why I feel so frozen either. If I didn't have my toddler to take out of the house and take care of, I would probably stay inside for days and sleep through half of the day or more.
I don't want to try antidepressants of that I'm sure. I know I can fix this without experimenting with that...yet at the moment I wish I could stay in bed and be left alone. I just don't want to know I exist or think about my reality. I'm so tired of dealing with this life. I don't have energy to fix everything the way it should be.

[Raven88]

I think I understand the feeling. When my GAD is bad I feel almost alien to everyone else. I feel forgettable but also observed. I think everyone is staring and wondering what is wrong with me.