Reached breaking point.

[PeapodBurgundy]

Bit of background.

Had a traumatic birth with DS. Hadn't researched my rights, so accepted it when I was told I 'had' to do things. Lots happened against my will, when I'd said I didn't want it to happen, and they'd told me I didn't have a choice. Ended up with horrible PND which has recently been diagnosed at PTSD.

Started discussions with OH about having another child. Decided if I was to stand any chance of coping with labour and birth, I needed to disassociate from DS' birth as much as possible. Contacted GP, and was told I would be allowed to have my care managed at a different hospital, and book for a home birth with a GP referral. Considered my options, and we decided to go for it. It was not a decision taken lightly.

Fast forward to post-conception, other hospital point blank refuses to manage my care unless I birth there. Managed to get on top of my feelings, and we decided to stay with the same hospital, and book a home birth (for many reasons). I've thus far kept contact with the midwifery team to a bare minimum, and had it signed off with the senior matron to have a home birth with midwives present, but not in the room unless I ask them to come in (I wanted to free-birth but OH was having none of it). I was apprehensive, but all in all, not in a bad place one I knew the birth was going to be on my terms, and nothing would happen without my consent, as they wouldn't be in the room to interfere.

Latest midwife appointment has thrown up a diagnosis of gestational diabetes. I've researched to the far end of a fart, so my home birth isn't off the table, but I now the only way to keep the baby safe and healthy will involve a LOT of midwife contact, and a presence throughout the birth to monitor her health. This also increases the likelihood of another hospital induction. I initially calmed myself with the fact that if I was planning a hospital birth, I could at least plan it for the other hospital, so I wouldn't have to be on the same labour ward. I've since found out that if I'm being induced, I can only have OH with me during reduced visiting hours (two hours less than standard visiting hours). This has sent me into a complete tailspin. Now I've completely lost my bond with the baby. I want nothing to do with her, or the pregnancy. I have no tolerance for DS either. I can't stand him touching me. I just want him off me, and her out of me so somebody else can be responsible for the aggro and the stress, because I literally cannot stand being in my own head anymore.

I have no idea how to fix this. Usually I would go to the GP no issues, but I can't bare the thought of any more medical appointments. It's contact with them that set this off in the first place. I NEED to sort my head out. DS is okay, I'm caring for him (he's up, showered, dressed, breakfasted and settles in the yard with his sand toys out which will keep him occupied for a good while), but it's taking every ounce of my energy to do it, and he need more than his basic needs caring for.

I'm at the point where I can't see a way out of my feelings. I'm not so low as to feel I'm not going to get better, but low enough that I need some help to get things into perspective and start trying to put things right.

Sorry for the essay!

[JamPasty]

Big Hugs. I am absolutely no expert on any of this - you may get better advice posting on one of the other boards (this one is a bit tumble-weedy!). You mention another hospital who didn't want to manage your care unless you birthed there. Now it looks like you may well have to have a hospital birth, would it be worth considering going there? At least that way you are in a totally different hospital from the one you had a horrible experience in. Could you also look into getting a doula/strong pushy person as a birthing partner (in addition to OH) so that you know ahead of time you will have someone there who will stand up for you and do all the asserting-your-right stuff, so your OH can focus just on being beside you?

[PeapodBurgundy]

Thank you. The other hospital is the one who won't allow my OH to be there with me but for reduced visiting hours through the day if I book for an induction there.

We looked into getting a Doula early on in the pregnancy, but the thought of ANOTHER stranger in my birth space makes my skin crawl.

I'm supposed to be going to the hospital tomorrow for a growth scan. I feel sick at the thought of having to go and speak with midwives. Particularly given that at the moment, I'm feeling so detached from the baby I don't know if I'm even capable of holding a conversation about the progression of the pregnancy.

[Washpot]

I know you hate appointments but the perinatal mental health team can be amazing. They were for me. Different circumstances but I was in a very bad place before the birth and they massively helped me get my head together and deal with what I HAD to deal with whilst helping me make decisions about what I had control over.
Good luck OP.

[SnowGoArea]

Could you book a 4d scan just to see your baby at one of those non-hospital places?

It's not medical, nobody cares about your history or is looking at you and assessing you in any way. Purely fun and for a look at the little one. May help with bonding?

[user1499173618]

I think you need to be very brave, to tell all this to your GP and for your GP to arrange for you to have a consultant led (rather than MW led) birth on MH grounds. You will get much better care if you are fully flagged up for PTSD after previous traumatic birth.

[PeapodBurgundy]

I went through the hospital listening service after DS's birth. They weren't interested at all. Everything I felt was just put down to PND (which was the diagnosis I had at that time). I got in touch with them 3 months after the birth when I realised my feelings weren't going to go away until I'd aired my grievances, and stopped worrying about other women going through the same. They took that to mean that I obviously wasn't that bothered by it, rather than, it had taken that long to realise I had more than a bit of the baby blues, and feel the need to try and make sense of what had happened.

Made it to the growth scan. Didn't actually watch it even though it was the only room at our hospital with a screen for Mams to see what the sonographer sees too. I just wasn't up to it. I was relieved when she said all was well with the baby, which is a good sign I think.

I'm under a consultant for the gestational diabetes. I can cope with he consultant appointments for now, as we're not actually discussing birth. It's been said at every appointment that they will book me for induction at 38 weeks. I've thought through things and researched things since I got the GD diagnosis, and that is the one thing I can guarantee will NOT be happening. If my condition remains well controlled without medication or insulin, cord pulse is good, and her growth is steady there are no more risks to home birth than with any other birth, so we'll aim for that. If it gets closer to my due date, I will be asking for insisting on an C-section rather than induction. I'm under no illusion that this is an easy option, but physical recovery generally has a much shorter timespan than mental recovery. OH and I feel this will suit us best, as he can be around for a good few weeks post birth between paternity leave, annual leave, and strategic shifts booked in when I can have help from other people if I'm for some reason not able to manage everything by myself at that point. (He had a chat with his manager, and she's been truly amazing. She's pretty much said 'tell me when you need to be off, and when you can come in'). I know from experience that the home birth suggestion is going to go down like a cup of cold sick with the HCPs. They're anti-home birth here anyway (including trying to talk everyone out of it at Parentcraft when I was expecting DS). Home birth with MH issues and GD will have them on full scare mode I expect.

Feeling less hysterical about giving birth, but still very low. Managing better with DS; he's having a really calm few days which is incredibly well timed. I'm grateful for it.

[Washpot]

So glad to see this update. You sound like you're working through stuff. The c-section is a good idea.. I insisted on one after a traumatic first delivery. It was the best decision I made and have to say it was easy easier than my first experience of natural delivery. I was lucky in that my midwife understood just how afraid I was and backed me for c-section all the way and after done initial resistance from the hospital they were also very supportive. It was one of the best days of my life (not kidding) and couldn't have been more different to the first time. Hoping it all works out for you OP.