What kind of therapy for a couple with childhood trauma

[goingmental]

We both come from traumatic childhood. My F was alcoholic and dh's F was controlling, and abusive to his dm.

We have tried Emotionally focussed couple therapy and an integrated couple therapy before. We both behaved immaturely in therapy last 2 times. dh would refuse to engage, and I was impatient.

We want to try therapy again but this time I really want to be sure we find the right kind of therapy for us.

What kind of therapy would you suggest for a couple with childhood trauma?

Many thanks!!

[RafikiIsTheBest]

Does it have to be couple therapy? You both might do better dealing with your history individually then once you are more able and open to moving forwards coming together.

[KirstenRaymonde]

I agree, I think some individual therapy is probably the best step forward. Take the time to focus on yourselves and then come bank together when you have a better understanding of yourselves and what you need from the couple’s therapy

[GibbertyFlibbert]

I know people who find therapy helpful, in my case the therapist admitted she was making it worse not better. Therapy isn't for everyone. The other option is to slowly help each other. Your OP described the circumstances in which trauma occurred but it did not describe a trauma. If you can, at least, help each other to work out what your respective traumas are then you could find therapists to help you deal with them.

[SoaringSwallow]

Definitely individual.

There is a Gottman therapy for couples with trauma, but I think it's when one person has PTSD. It's also new so unlikely to be (m)any practitioners with experience.

And doing individual doesn't mean you're isolated. It could be quite unifying if you're able to be there for each other's support, but not be dumping all the "stuff" on each other, that gets saved for the therapist.

[DorothyBastard]

Is there a reason you want to do couples therapy rather than both having individual counselling?

[DidoAndHerLament]

Hi OP, whilst I agree that individual therapy might be helpful for you both because of your histories, you may well find that this leads to changes in your relationship which would also need attending to. Ime there aren't a lot of really good couples therapists about but it might be worth persevering to find someone who will work with you both as a couple and individually. It's less common in the UK, but there are therapists around who will work this way.

[SoaringSwallow]

Dido but to find a good couples therapist who is specialised in childhood trauma is even harder. The trauma isn't something light to be glossed over. It would be easier to have individual therapy and then get a couples counselling alongside that with a second spécialisés therapist who can communicate with the others. But first step is individual. Also, it's possible for each to attend the other's individual sessions if something comes up requiring that. Not couples therapy but possible to be supportive without it.

[goingmental]

Thanks everyone. I am really sorry for not posting before. I have been very depressed lately and thought about replying many times but couldn't even figure out what to write.
I am a bit better now.
I am not sure we can afford 3 therapies - 2 individual and 1 couple. I know that would be an ideal situation.
We do need couple therapy because there are other dynamics too like my mil interferes in a very subtle, clever way which causes further stress between us. She would be hostile towards me, dh has noticed himself too but when she is alone with him, she manages to convince him that she didn't mean it, she likes me. But then she continues to behave in that way with me again. He also said very hurtful things in fights before.
He seems motivated this time. I just need to find a very good therapist which I know is not easy.
I am also quite depressed because of this and the fact I have no support. I will try to get an NHS therapist or join a support group. I have kind of lost trust in therapy as I tried a couple of therapist in the past and I feel my problems were too much for them to handle. Sorry, my mind is not straight, so my thoughts are all over the place. Sometimes it all feels too much to handle and feels there is no hope than to let things be the way they are.
I really appreciate your answers. Thanks very much.

[PaddyF0dder]

Sounds like it would be better to go with individual therapy.

All therapies are largely equal with regard to effect. It’s all about the relationship between therapist and patient.

That said, EMDR get decent results for PTSD features. CBT is a good catch-all for mood and anxiety.

[Miladamermalada]

Sometimes going over the past shit isn't helpful. CBT focuses on the now, and how your thinking is irrational and you can challenge your own issues.
Thing is some crap therapists learn it from a workbook and think they are competent when really they are damaging. Get a better therapist or go for a psychologist..

[anotherangel2]

It sounds like you both need individual therapy first and then later on you can consider couples counselling. You can’t fix relationship issues when both have personal unresolved issues.

[SoaringSwallow]

What about some reading? So even articles about, for example, gaslighting (what your MIL is doing to DP. If he would be interested in reading things like that it could raise his awareness without costing a lot of money. Then see a counsellor jointly a bit later. If you search for the Stately Homes thread the first post has a list of reading material, some of which might be relevant re his mother. Susan Foreward has one about Toxic Parents that my be of interest.

But that's in response to the cost. Individual therapy is probably still your best bet.

[Pollaidh]

For trauma EMDR is NICE recommended. I had CBT treatment for PTSD and it helped somewhat, but it's only now I've finally, many many years later, started EMDR, that things are really improving.

[goingmental]

Thanks everyone.

We tried individual before. We went to psychologists (different) who had integrative approach combining schema, mindfulness, cbt and talking about past.

It didn't help much.

We have relationship problems because mil was way too over-involved in our lives. dh let her behave like that because she had difficult past. She is openly rude to me, also tried to direct and micro manage our marriage initially. Even entered our bedroom when dh asked her not to (she had been knocking and asking why I am still not out of the room). She realised we were upset (dh and I). There were no fight, screaming. She knew because I was still in our room and it was mid morning (It was caused by her behaviour, dh had tried to talk to her a day before, and she managed to turn around and making him feel like she is the one suffering more). It's way too complicated. She had asked me to tone down my preparation for dh's birthday. She claims to be very loving mother. She wants to cook for him all the time when we are together.
I feel bad for what she went through when dh was a kid but she really tries to control our marraige through her manipulations.
dh went for individual therapy. He talked a lot about childhood, this made him remember what his mum went through in her marriage. dh started having flashbacks from childhood. He wanted me to suck it up as his dm had a very difficult past. What's weird is mil talks to me about her marriage in a very positive way and gives example of her and others as model wife. I feel bad for what she went through but she really walks all over me. Sometimes she outrightly talk (when alone with me) like a strict mother would to a naughty kid. I have spent last 2 years researching and read on mother son enmeshment. It seems quite spot on in our case.
dh says he loves me and wants to improve our marriage, I need more help as I need to also deal with a lot of hurt I went through in early years of marriage.
So we need a therapist who can address our relationship issues and also help us a bit with past trauma and help us change certain behaviours learnt to survive the past.
dh has some awareness about his dm but he thinks it's because she had a difficult life, which might be the case to some extent. I can't tell dh to read toxic parents, he will judge me harshly.
I agree with MIladamermalada that sometimes we need to focus on present more. I feel we need to have a balance of present (more) and past. I have found a low cost online EFT (tapping therapist) who can help me with trauma but I have seen her a few times, she seems good but I don't know what to expect from tapping.

I will have to get this post deleted as I have given too much information.
Thank you for reading this long post and for your suggestions.

[goingmental]

I just read back my post. My dh might not come across very nice which is far from true. He had a difficult life too. I hope to focus on us in couple therapy at the start and eventually touch upon the difficult topics and books. Also, I meant I will have to delete post later. Thank you for listening and helping.

[Miladamermalada]

@Psychstudent2013
I appreciate you recruiting via this forum however that was on your own thread.
To purposefully enter threads where people have self recognised as having mental health problems is unethical and could be perceived as taking advantage of vulnerable people. By doing so your sample will not be representative of the mumsnet forum on large and will mean your results are not valid.

[Miladamermalada]

You could also be seen as putting pressure on people. I know it's hard when you don't get participants but you need to find another way.

[Miladamermalada]

Please don't waste your time with tapping. It's a load of bollocks and only quack therapists would pretend it works. If it did the proper psychologists working for mental health services would use it.
I once saw someone 'non-mainstream' ie no boundaries or supervision and she seriously damaged my mental health.
There's a reason she's low cost-do your research and try to get some relate/nhs therapy. Failing that some charities offer counselling as do the workplace.

[Pollaidh]

I agree with do your research on the person. I've had two fantastic people treating PTSD and 2 people who were entirely out of their depth. When they're out of their depth they're going to trigger traumatic memories and associated thoughts, but aren't able to deal with them in the session, so the client leaves the therapy session re-traumatised in a way, with thoughts they'd locked away flooding them. That's not safe or advisable.

Do either of you have any sort of employee support programme at work? Often it's a helpline to access advice on all sorts of issues, and very often you can self-refer for free therapy, after a simple triage, though it tends to be around CBT as that is more time-limited than psychoanalysis and so costs the company less. If either of you works for the public sector, a large company, corporate, start-ups, there will probably be something, and usually the partner is eligible as well as the employee.

[goingmental]

Thanks Miladamermalada and Pollaidh I have been researching and it's very confusing.
In my sessions I do tapping as well as some talking with the therapist, and she has suggested to use some cbt. She is psychologist by education but further did courses in tapping. She seems to know quite a bit (from her website and blogs). She is outside UK and that's why it's low cost. I had doubts about tapping too, and still do to some extent.

I will try to get NHS therapist for psychotherapy. But I know it won't happen right away.

We had used dh's corporate insurance for individual therapy and unfortunately insurance allow only 16 sessions each for 3 years. So we can't use that route for sometime.

We can afford one private therapy. So want to do couple.
Pollaidh if you don't mind can I pm you regarding you those 2 fantastic therapists?
Many thanks.