Depression in first trimester

[Joseve]

Hello, can anyone relate to depression and feeling like life is all over/or wishing the end would come soon etc in the first trimester?

I am 6 weeks preg and crying all the time, feel lethargic and unmotivated. And my OCD worrying traits have been triggered big time by the pregnancy - second guessing everything I did before I knew I was pregnant and feeling guilty about it. Have now become ambivalent towards having the child whereas the day I found out I was over the moon as it was my first pregnancy at 40! When I realised it's first trimester antenatal depression (ie raging hormones), I felt better about it but am aware that part of me wouldn't even mind that much if I miscarried (yes that's how bad it is, thinking going through a whole pregnancy is not worth the anxiety!). Although that's probably preparation for the fact that I think I may well actually miscarry (due to my age and the fact that I haven't felt the embryo tuggings in the last day or so so wonder if it stopped growing). My pessimism is at it's worst - thinking that I WILL be the 2% whose baby will have a neural tube defect due to the fact that I used a sauna in early pregnancy. That's how I can be without hormone difficulties, let alone with.

Also when I'm down or tired, I tend to worry more about things (like how the pregnancy is going and why I'm not getting bad morning sickness and just mild nausea etc). I get bad PMS and was a terrible psycho on the pill so I guess I am very sensitive to fluctuating hormones.

[BroccoliOnTheFloor]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

A lot of what you are experiencing is in a sense not you - it's your hormones. They will stabilise in a few weeks and you will be back to your usual self. The tiredness, the mood swings, this will all go away.

Don't worry about things you did in very early pregnancy. Many women drink, use a sauna, eat smelly cheese etc before they realise. That early it's usually all or nothing - if you had done irreparable damage, your body would have got rid of it and you would have never even figured out you were pregnant. Forget about all that now.

Are you usually this anxious (when you are not under full blast of hormones)? If you are, perhaps you should speak to someone IRL - your GP or a midwife. It's not a good way to spend the pregnancy or the early years of a child's life. Be kind to yourself, and if this doesn't pass in a few weeks, speak to a HCP.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

[Joseve]

Thank you! That post means a lot. Yes I do suffer from low-level anxiety and OCD-like thoughts anyway. I am aware all my negative thinking is not good for the baby but I can't help it. I'm going to book in for a viability scan so I can stop agonising and wondering over whether it's still growing or not, and then be able to get on with my life. Thankfully I don't have work stress right now, god knows how I'd deal with that right now too. However I have moved house which added to stress. Generally I feel anger when I have PMS, though this time there's not much anger, just more sadness, guilt and low feelings - so perhaps the HcG hormones have a slightly different effect on mood than the PMS ones...Thanks again and if it worsens I will see someone. Take care :)

[mylaptopismylapdog]

Sounds like it is probably hormones and I think feeling like this at your stage isn’t uncommon and is about facing a life change as much as anything.
Make sure you get enough rest ( like you I get anxious if tired and know how disruptive this is ),and treat yourself kindly, (relaxing bath boxed sets).

[Peggy21]

Hi just wanted to reassure you that I felt like this with my second. I just wanted to dive into a black hole, really awful. I just didn’t want to be around anyone and I was very scared to feel like this.
However, around 16 weeks I gradually felt better. I was worried about the effects on the baby yet my little boy is way smilier than his older brother!
I know it’s really hard but you obviously have the self-awareness to see your Ocd and anxiety for what it is so just keep telling yourself it’s not your fault, it’s slightly out of your control (hormones) right now but you will definitely regain control soon. It is temporary. That said, if you are feeling really bad, ask for help from the gp or midwife.
(Also the bleak midwinter doesn’t help with mood either!)
Good luck.

[Joseve]

Thank you! Yes I was thinking the dreary January doesn’t help things at all....