It’s just not getting better.

[pambeesley]

So I started having some mental health issues about 7 years ago

Over the years they have built up and it’s been a terrible year. I’m in a position now where I’m struggling to hold a job down or live my life normally not that most people would realise that.

At the end of last year my partner left me and to be honest I’ve just not been able to get over it. He was the only person who understood my illness and I still have to turn to him for support.

Anyway I got offered a dream job for 2 months abroad. The most amazing opportunity and one I had dreamt of.

I arrived 10 days ago and had a total breakdown yesterday. Ended up having to go back to my hotel and just lay their crying for hours and hours.

I thought about going home yesterday but that is even worse than staying.

The thing is there is nothing wrong with my job and i should be loving it.

The only one thing that has happened is that I’ve been rejected by a man that I had a brief liaison with in the summer, he’s ran very hot and cold with me and happens to be out here too and I thought something would happen and now it’s clear it won’t.

I honestly spent yesterday wondering if life is worth it anymore as if I can’t be happy right now in my happiest time when can I ever be happy?

[Movablefeast]

Are you in a country where you can access health support? Most English speaking countries have mental health lines to call. Or call Samaritans back in the UK.

[Movablefeast]

Do you get any othet support from family or friends?

[pambeesley]

I’m in Australia and so I’m sure I can contact someone.

I have a friend back home I’ve talked to but my family try but they don’t really get it and if I told them how bad I was I think it would upset them.

[MrBenDover]

What are your MH issues OP? I've suffered with anxiety and depression for almost 20 years and I take AD's. I have everything I've ever wanted too and I still struggle to see the sunshine. I get so anxious over the little things that I can't see the wood from the trees. I hate how my brain works. Keep busy is one of my tips.

[robbieudo]

Have you tried AD’s yet? Maybe it’s time to consult a DR. I do think exercise helps, i know it’s hard to get into a routine, but it really helps. A few good friends you can talk to or a good therapist are very important too!

[pambeesley]

I’m on max dose citalopram and also have Valium with me but not sure Valium does a lot for me

I do get anxiety but at the moment it feels the depression is worse. I feel awful about my own life, so much lack of joy and feel like I’m just having to pretend all the time to be ok which is so tiring.

It’s 3pm here. Start work in 90 mins and still in bed

[robbieudo]

Maybe you have to switch AD’s, i think seeing a new DR with maybe different ideas and experiences cant hurt. But also, you just started a new job and you need to find a new routine. Just be kind to yourself, and trust it will get better! I also think acupuncture helps for depression.

[Movablefeast]

Can you Google and see if there is a crisis line you could call right now? Talking to someone in RL may take the edge off enough for you to go to work. Are you still suffering jetlag? Are you sleep deorived? That always messes with your cycles and makes everything 100% worse.

[pambeesley]

hi

thanks for the support, my doctor at home is amazing and I think I need to be more honest with him than I have been in the past. Its really too easy to sit in there and nod and tell him I am doing ok. I have had CBT, therpy and nothing seems to work.

I have found a crisis number over here and will store it in my phone.

Its hard as people want you to give them a reason to why you feel the way you do! I wish I knew myelf. Dont get me wrong, there are triggers and the rejection of a man I like has certainly not helped the situation but before depression I would bounce back a lot quicker from a guy that really is not even worthy to lick my shoes!

My mind is like jenga and when something like that is pulled out then the whole thing comes crashing down.

If i cant do this job I dont see how I can carry on with life at all. I am sure a failure