Constant anxiety and depression

[recoveringmummy]

I have always suffered with depression and anxiety but lately it’s causing me even more issues than usual.

I find the thought of leaving the house horrendous and am on diazepam to help the anxiety. I am also on ADs and a mood stabiliser as I have recent been diagnosed with bi polar type 2. I don’t feel like the meds’ are working and I feel like I am walking around in a fog with a black cloud over me.

Last week I could barely get out of bed and I had my mum with me all week to help with the children. I’m so sick of going back to the doctors saying the same things and nothing ever gets any better.

I have counselling and hypnotherapy but don’t feel that is getting me anywhere. I have also tried CBT but didn’t find that helpful either.

I have constant suicidal thoughts and am obsessed with crashing in the car and being seriously injured so I don’t have to carry on with this miserable life.

I am also going through a divorce from an abusive partner which I am finding very difficult and upsetting as I still have feelings for him and can’t accept that it’s over.

I feel an absolute mess and a failure as a mother. I have had issues with alcohol and drugs in the past so also carry a lot of guilt and shame about my behaviour. I am now in AA and getting help to stay sober.

I just want it all to stop, I’m so worried I’m messing up my children through my constant crying and low mood but I just do t know what else I can do :-(