Depression - I feel so alone

[Nissandriver]

Hi there, this is the first time I have created a thread so I’m sorry if I ramble on. I have been struggling with depression and don’t have anyone to talk too, I feel so alone and don’t know what to do next. I’ve made such a mess of things recently that all I seem capable of doing is crying most of the time. I feel so low and want to bury myself under my duvet and never come out.

I have an 18 month old DD who is the love of my life but is exhausting and I struggle to play or do anything meaningful with her at the moment (she’s fed and cared for in practical terms). My partner doesnt understand why I’m depressed, he’s trying hard to understand but admits he doesn’t get it. Our relationship is very strained at the moment and I know he’s frustrated with me but I can’t just snap out of it.

To explain a little of what’s been happening - I am the ‘breadwinner’ but I haven’t worked since finishing maternity leave in March. I did start a new job a couple of months ago, an ideal ‘4 days a week’ job, exactly what I wanted, part time, local, the right money, right level etc but quit it after 2 weeks! I just couldn’t do it, I felt so overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, I just quit and ran away! As a result we are in even more difficultly financially because of me, because I was so reckless and stupid to just quit. Now we are struggling to pay the bills. I feel l’ve let my DD down, it’s my job to put a roof over her head and now we are facing not being able to pay the mortgage from January when our savings will have run out. I went to the Dr’s a few weeks ago and she put me on Prozac. I feel like such a failure and don’t know how to get myself out of this black hole and functioning again. I know it’s my own fault that we’ve ended up in this situation because of my own stupid actions. I feel like I’ll never be able to function properly again, let alone hold down a job again.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled on, I just don’t have anyone to talk to who understands. If anyone has any words of wisdom they would be very much appreciated.

[chipscheeseandcurrysauce]

You are a wonderful person, you are not a failure, it is not your fault 💗

[chipscheeseandcurrysauce]

This is the depression talking, it is not you.

Mental health takes a lot for a person to understand, especially if they haven’t experienced it before.

Stay strong, your daughter needs you!

Other than the Fluoxetine (Prozac), has your doctor offered you any other help such as counselling/CBT? It may benefit you.

[Nissandriver]

Thank you for your kind words Chips. No my Dr didn’t seem particularly interested. I pretty much cried through the whole appointment.

[chipscheeseandcurrysauce]

That doesn’t sound good, I’m sorry your GP didn’t seem interested. Samaritans are always there if you need someone to speak to, their number is 116123. If you’re up to it, you could do a quick google search to see if there are any counselling services in your area. 💗

[Somethininthewater]

I could have written your post... you are not alone! I suffered terribly with anxiety which eventually lead to depression. I reluctantly agreed to take ‘happy pills’ and I wish I’d done it sooner! Citalopram has changed my life. Don’t ever feel like a failure because you need a bit of help!
My OH struggled to understand what I was going through. Hell, even I wasn’t sure what was going on!!
Go back to your GP(or a different one?) and see if they can do anything else. Mental health care is a joke in this country-I’ve been waiting 12 months for a cbt appointment!! Luckily the meds did the trick though

[MrsKCastle]

Oh Nissandriver... I know how you feel, I have been there. This is NOT your fault, you are ill. You didn't choose depression, there is no reason for your partner to find.. It just happens. It's a horrible illness and it really is isolating, but it can get better.

I'm 6 years on from my PND diagnosis and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but I do enjoy life and I do love my 2 daughters. I love being with them and we have so many happy moments. It's not always easy but it is most definitely worth fighting for. And you will have to fight because the illness will be telling you to give up, things will never improve.

You say you saw the doctor a few weeks ago- if the Prozac hasn't helped yet you need to go back, see someone else if need be. Tell them that you're still not right and you need help. Ask your partner to read up on depression, find out about it and support you because you are ILL and you need help.

[Nissandriver]

Thank you so much Somethin and MrsK for your kind words. I will make an appointment to go back to the Dr’s.

It really does help to have all your replies and not feel so alone. Thank you so much to everyone who as taken the time to post to me.

Today has been a struggle, i couldn’t get out of bed until 2pm. DP had to look after DD until he went to work. I think everything feels even more heavy because my relationship with DP has taken such a nose dive too. I’m really not sure I love him anymore but I don’t know if that’s because of the depression or if that’s really how I feel.

[annaharvey]

Hello,

I suggest that you start a meditation program along with taking medication. From what I see in you, if you find the passion and try to work in an area you are passionate about, that could keep your focus away from this depression. In other words, it can shift your consciousness to a higher level. That way, you would be in a better position to "choose" how you feel. You cannot come out of this depression unless you shift your mind to a higher thought. The best things is to do something creative or do what you are passionate about. Hope it helps!

[Trapped01]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Have you ever had anxiety/depression before or is this all new?

I have suffered myself with crippling depression in the past & have had shorter periods of it come & go over the years since.

You are stronger than you think. You're caring for your DD, Let help you through this. When I'm having difficult days now (anxiety issues) I really try & just focus on the small things that make me happy. You have the worry of financial problems but that's temporary, your DD will be there forever & loves you so much. I find just going to the park & seeing how happy that makes my DD helps lift me & see the bigger picture, if that makes sense. You have a reason to get up every morning, for her so keep on going, you can do it.

We too have been struggling financially since I decided to not return to work after my mat leave (DD now 16 months) Ive been raising extra money other ways, for example I took part in a nearly new sale organised by a mums group. Also eBay is a great place to sell old baby stuff too. I know it won't make you rich but it all helps. My partner & I agreed to use the money from these things strictly for our daughter. These things would also give you a temporary focus to distract you from your thoughts.

I know it's a struggle to leave the house when you feel like this but I know I always feel better once I'm out. Even though the build up to actually leaving can seem like the hardest thing ever.

In regards to you doubting your feelings for your partner, I've felt the same way & it WAS the depression talking. I would wait until you're feeling more yourself before making any big decisions. Did you doubt your feelings before the depression? The pressure of a new baby plus money struggles can put a strain on even the happiest of couples. I was sure I wanted to leave my partner after the birth of our DD (PND) but now I can't believe I ever felt that way!!

You aren't alone in how you're feeling, please remember that xxx

[Nissandriver]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Trapped01, your words are so kind. It helps so much to read about your experience, it sounds as though we have some similarities in our experiences.

I took DD out yesterday to the park and that did make me feel brighter, watching her so happy running around. I think you’re right getting out is good for you.

I have suffered from depression before, some years ago following a sequence of traumatic life events happening in a short space of time: exPartner left when he found out I was pregnant, pregnancy loss, redundancy and then my Dad passed away, all in the space of 18months. It was a really tough time and I was on medication to help me through. I thought I’d left all of that behind me, come through it and was off medication. But now I feel myself sinking back under that black black cloud and can’t believe I’m feeling so low again.

To answer you question, yes I have had some doubts about my feelings for my partner after the baby was born and before the depression really took hold. I put it down to baby blues but now I’m not so sure. Our relationship has been somewhat of a whirlwind, engaged & pregnant within 9 months of meeting! I was very much swept up in the excitement of a new relationship, moving in together and getting engaged at 8 months and then 6 weeks later discovered I was pregnant with DD! Now things have settled, DD is here and it seems reality has set in. My partner is very different from me (education, background, career, personality) and I don’t know if we’re really suited. Since our DD has been born all affection has pretty much gone from our relationship (from my side). I can’t stand being kissed and cuddled by him. I feel so irritated by him, over silly things, it’s almost like a general level of annoyance at him all of the time. (Which I feel terrible about). We are good friends and get along well but I just don’t have any romantic feelings towards him, if that makes any sense at all. It’s all very one sided, the discontent is all on my side.

Oh god it’s all such a mess! I don’t know what to do anymore. All I can do is cry and cry today. I feel so lost and don’t know what to do next.

[LEMtheoriginal]

Just come to give you a hug. You are a lovely person and helped me on my thread.

I might be able to help regarding finances in terms if pointing in the right direction. Pm me if you want to.

Can you pin point a trigger for your anxiety?

[LEMtheoriginal]

I put my dp through he'll with my PND he's still around 10 years later. It does take it's toll but with understanding partners can get through it. It does affect them too so acknowledge that and explain that you are I'll. I had to take my dp to the doctors with me before he understood. Are you getting counselling?

[AlwaysHopeful]

Don’t want to leave you unanswered but need to go pick up DS now. You are not alone, what you are feeling is very much like I was. If the medication isn’t helping your doctor could try something else for you. I’d also recommend talking therapy if you can get it - very long wait in my area.

[Nissandriver]

Thank you LEM, the hug is appreciated. I will PM you if that’s ok.

I don’t know what the trigger has been, maybe the reality hitting of the financial situation once I leave the job. Such a stupid reckless thing for me to do. I just ran away from it. It’s my fault we’re in this financial mess and I’m struggling to find a way out

[Nissandriver]

Many thanks Always. I’m not having counselling but I am going back to the Drs next week to ask about my medication. I think I might need the dose to be increased. For those of you on antidepressants, how long did it take to feel a difference? I can’t remember from before

[Trapped01]

Bless you. It's awful when all you want to do is cry. give your daughter a cuddle & just focus on that love (even if you can only do it for 30 seconds) blocking everything else out, take some deep breaths & know this WILL get better. I kept a journal during my most severe bout of depression (I was suicidal) & I can't bear to open it now. I honestly can't believe I ever felt so distraught & alone, so I assure you it will get better, but it may be a long road.

In regards to your partner, it could be that how you're feeling is real & maybe you aren't going to stay together forever but for now, I wouldn't make any decisions. You say you're friends & get on well so can you get his support during this time? You have enough to deal with without throwing a break up into the mix.

Just to reflect what you said about not wanting to be kissed & cuddled etc, I too felt that way after my daughter was born & still do a lot of the time. I'm just too exhausted & when you've had a toddler crawling over you all day the last thing you want is anyone else near you, in my opinion! I think this is part of my PND though, because our relationship suffered so much during the worst of it, we still haven't regained the closeness we once had. Although we're both happy together & comitted to working trough that now. I would say for 6 solid months I couldn't stand the sight of my partner. I argued with him over the tiniest of things & pushed him away until it almost destroyed us. We were happy before all that though so it may not be the same for you. My point is, depression can make you think you feel a certain way but it isn't always real.

I wish I could give you a hug right now, it sounds like you need one. Do you have family/friends you can lean on?

Sorry to hear of the 18 hectic months you had & losing your father. Do you think grief could be playing a part? I've been having problems recently & it was suggested on here that having my daughter could have restarted my grief at losing my mum. It makes sense to me xx

[LEMtheoriginal]

What meds are you on?

[Nissandriver]

The Dr’s put me on Prozac. I have an appointment to go back soon

[Nissandriver]

Hi Trapped01, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is difficult. My grief bubbles up every now and then and I don’t think it will ever fully leave me however I did have some private counselling at the time which helped hugely to process and handle my feelings. Maybe you might consider something similar? (I paid privately as I could afford it at the time, however many large employers have Employee Assistance programmes or private healthcare where you can access free confidential counselling services).

I think you’re very wise about making big decisions when you are depressed. I think you’re right it’s not wise to make any BIG decisions about a relationship while struggling with depression.

I have my Mum to talk to but every time I try to, she gets really worried and upset and ends up not being able to sleep because she’s so worried about me. I tried to talk to a couple of my friends but they just stared back at me and didn’t know what to say, literally! My partner is trying really hard to be supportive but he’s never here, he works shifts and I’m on my own with DD most of day/ night apart from a Sunday. I’m so thankful to have found MN and have such lovely people reply

[Trapped01]

Yes, it's good to see you're not alone & other people have felt similar ways isn't it. You might find keeping a journal helpful, if you haven't tried it. I had counselling years ago & they suggested it. I felt a bit silly at first but sometimes it feels good to get your feelings out & see them on paper. Also it's handy to look back when you start to feel better to remind yourself how far you've come.

I know hat you mean about friends not knowing what to say. No one knows I had PND except my partner & a few close family members. People say "call me of you need anything" but if you're anything like me, you don't feel like that's really true. I personally feel like it's just what people say but no one really wants to be burdened. That's why forums like this can be so helpful.

I'm not sure what other advice to offer but I really hope you find your way out of this soon & start to enjoy life again.

Do you like to read? I love "the alchemist" by Paulo coelho. It has a really positive message & I find it quite an uplifting book. maybe you could find a book to help you, even an autobiography of someone's journey through depression. It can be so helpful to see what happened to someone else & inspire you to keep going on the darkest days.

Take care & keep us updated.

XxX

[Nissandriver]

Many thanks Trapped, I think I will give journaling a go. It might be good to get things out of my head and down on paper. Posting how I’m feeling on here has really seemed to help.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me, it really does mean a lot.