i don't know what to do please help

[iamareallyhorribleperson]

I don’t even know which board to post it on but have noone to talk to, I’m just so upset and angry with myself and feeling so desperate that noone will listen or help, I don’t know what else to do

This evening I came home and literally took out all the stress of my job on my small child. They were really tired after 4 days at nursery, by this point in the week they are always tetchy and I knew that, but when they were flailing around, threw yoghurt on the carpet, I just snapped, first shouted at them downstairs and that was already enough to really hurt them because all they wanted was my attention, and then upstairs I don’t even know why, they wouldn’t open their mouth to brush their teeth, and I slapped them in the face. And in that moment I wanted to, and immediately after I regretted it as their little face crumpled. I apologised over, and over again but the damage is done.

The background to this is that I’m on my own with them, I have noone. I have mental issues I think, and I think that’s why I ended up getting pregnant the way I did, I was probably already having a breakdown then and this is years later and I feel like I’ve been having that same breakdown ever since, without a break and just noone to see it. Some days are better than others, but none are really good. I manage to hold down a semi-professional job but am the office weirdo that everyone avoids. I alienate everyone, it’s like I can’t help myself I actively sabotage and destroy any relationship early on which is why I have no friends. I act fine or try to a lot of the time and looking at me you wouldn’t guess what is really going on, but I’m just not coping. I have been to the GP over and over again, and the health visitor, and other services. I have told them all of this, that I’m not ok, that all I do at home is sob or bang my head against the wall, I hate myself so much right now. I was assessed by a psych appointment nearly a year ago and had to fight so hard to get referred to that, and they agreed that I needed to be assessed for something like PTSD, and then I had one appointment last autumn and have another one in about 6 months time. I have told them that I believed I was at risk of taking things out on my child, who is the only thing I care about in the world, and it’s like they didn’t believe me or didn’t care.

My child is sleeping now but I want to go back to the doctors, again, tomorrow. But I”m scared - how do I get them to listen and not just fob me off, tell me to take some random medication and send me out of their office (which is what they’ve done or tried to do, every time)? I don’t want my daughter taken away, I just love her so much, but I feel like I just can’t go on like this, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to come with me and I don’t even know if I can get across to them that I need more help. There was a point where they suggested getting access to a weekly counsellor but it sounds like that could be a year or more away. I’m so scared my child will remember this stuff, and hate me for it, and my relationship with her is all that matters to me. I don’t know how to make it right. She went to bed hugging me and happy, but it’s not ok and when she gets old enough to think about what I've done I think she will realise that. I don’t want to lose her or damage her. I would get some private help but I can’t afford it which only leaves the services I’ve already been to.

[Privateandconfidentialplease]

Op, you are not a horrible person.

I think a lot of parents have got cross/angry at there kids and shouted or smacked them. I think the important thing is that you recognise it wasn't right and felt bad about it. I definitely think you should go to the doctor tomorrow.
How old is your child?

[GladysKnight]

OP I second what Private says - you're not horrible and quite clearly care deeply for your child, love her and want what's best for her - which obviously includes a happier Mum.

I know my own Mum shouted at me and slapped me - not because I remember, but because she has told me about it since. I have never doubted her love for me though!

I would try the doctor again though it must be disheartening that they have not helped you so far - very unhelpful. Are you sure they are 'fobbing you off' with medication? It might be a good idea. Have you tried it? (I have found it very helpful at times, makes it easier to deal with the difficult moments)

I find the different GPs at my practice respond very differently and give different advice in different ways - I definitely have my 'favourites', so if the last one wasn't helpful you might have better luck with another.

Also there are some nice meditation apps online - see other threads in this section - that offer ways to instantly de-stress, by breathing etc. I have found those helpful too, and loads of them are free which is a bonus.