depression! again !

[frustratedashell]

Hi I'm a lurker and occasional poster. I have suffered with depression on and off for 23 years. I'm here again and feel so low. I'm so sick of this battle. I don't know what I'm hoping for from this post but im so down.
I'm almost 57, divorced and lonely. Live alone. 2 grown up kids
Both kids suffer with depression too.
My daughter is bad at the moment. On Saturday night/Sunday morning she did something really stupid that has caused her to probably loose her career. She has worked so hard to get there and now a moment of madness has ruined it. She is pushing me and her lovely partner away. This has obviously not helped my depression. But I've been ill for a while. So certainly not down to her
I've been on anti depressants for ages.just finished some private counselling which didn't help much really.
I've not gone to work today. Got half way there and started crying. I could go to the doctors but I'm not sure she can do anymore for me. This is so hard. I want to run away but I know that won't solve anything. I'm quite self aware but struggling.

[hayleyB79]

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had depression in the past and it really is the most awful experience. My mum has just started getting her anxiety back, we think its to do with me and other family members having mental health problems which makes her feel bad so sounds like you're having a hard time coping with your own depression with the added worry of your grown up kids. I hope you get the support you need.

[Catrina1234]

Also a lurker and occasional poster. Wow OP 23 years - that's grim. I've got a diagnosis of recurring depressive disorder(with recurring being the operative word) - I think most people seem to have weeks or months of depression and then the fog clears till the next episode. For me. I go from day today, never knowing whether it will be a good or bad day. There are no triggers - I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling shite. Sometimes the depression is severe and I have intense suicidal thoughts.

You do manage to hold down a job - that must be very hard for you. Do you think the meds make any difference - I'm on 3 different sorts but none of them make any difference. It's just one awful illness isn't it and there is still a stigma attached to it. I'm 73 and hoping I won't live a long life as I don't think this depression is ever going to go away. Sorry about your DD - hope she manages to keep her job.

Oh I know that feeling of wanting to run away -but the trouble is the mental illness goes with us, so what's the point.

Take care x

[frustratedashell]

Hi both of you. Thanks for replies. I've had a terrible day today because of my daughter. She's acting like a total bitch. Her partner is at the end of his tether and so am I. He's so lovely and good for her. It's all such a mess.
I ought to try to go back to work tomorrow.
Catrina I'm not convinced that the meds work. Have tried several over the years. I saw a very good article on fb which said I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I can so identify with that.
I've been out today trying to help her, from 7.40am till 4.40pm. She won't even get in my car unless I promise not to say a word to her! I don't know whether I want to shake her or hug her. I'm exhausted

[artiface]

I'm so sorry you have battled this for so long. I know this won't be cheap but having DNA analysed may help find the most appropriate anti depressant. I read about it recently (I have a friend who suffers with depression)
There is an article here
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201407/genetic-testing-better-depression-treatment
Also what you eat can have big impact
www.balancingbrainchemistry.co.uk/peter-smith/35/MTHFR-Gene-Mutation-and-Treatment-Resistant-Depression.html
and
www.foodforthebrain.org/media/231110/Depression___The_Nutrition_Connectin.pdf