I've been SAHM for 5 years now. This is an economic and practical decision for our family. We have worked through every consideration, looking at all possibilities, and this makes the most sense for our family and is the way it has to be until DCs are at school. I have no family near by, and we live in a rural area. So I am 100% responsible for DCs with no reprieve ever.
A constant refrain has been how we can carve out time where I can do a little something other than childcare because I feel sometimes like I've lost my identity and I am going mad. Anything different. A hobby. Just to have a break from the monotony. But everything we try has collapsed and I've reached a point I can't be bothered discussing it with DH anymore and I feel like I can't be bothered trying anymore. I get angry with myself for daring to hope it can be different only to get brutally disappointed when it fails. I try keep expectations very limited and I don't plan forward anymore. I try to just trudge through the boring grind and try not to think about it if I can. Last year I hit a massive fucking depression, properly depressed, and I feel like I only just managed to pull myself back from something quiet scary. DH said he'd never ever seen me like that it the twenty odd years he's known me.
That's the background.
Which brings me to today.
I had been feeling a bit better. Most likely because DH took time off over Xmas and I had some free time and a bit of a break with some support. I got some energy back and felt determined this year had to be different. I didn't check myself or remind myself of past disappointments. I've been planning forward. So fucking fucking stupid of me. Inevitably I start thinking if things I want to do. I'm clearing out clutter and hoping to sell stuff etc. I actually got emotionally invested in doing this, because it's something different. Occupied with planning it. Last night I went out after kids were in bed to buy storage containers to make sure I'd have what I needed to tackle it today. A bit of a mission with the snow but I really wanted to do this today. The understanding was DH would take older DC to her activity and I'd tackle it.
This morning I reminded him to remove storage containers from car for me. (I didn't do this last night because path to door was icy and he said last night he'd do it today). This morning again he said he would and told me he'd leave them in the porch. I went for my shower. I came out, and he's gone - with the storage containers still in the car. I now have no car, and the toddler at home and no way to do what I wanted to do. I am fucking devastated. And I know that's a ridiculous reaction, I know this isn't world poverty, or Trump, or Brexit, or anything like that.... Yes, I can do it this afternoon, or tomorrow but I wanted a weekend to do family stuff too because that's also a bit if a break. I can do it next week. But regardless of logic, I am fucking crushed. It's triggered a wild reaction.
My mood has gone from feeling upbeat and ready to tackle something to utterly utterly miserable and low. I have no idea how to process these feelings but I can feel my mood and spirits spiralling downwards by the minute. Logically I can feel it's completely irrational, but I wish there was someone who could take DC2 so I could go somewhere and just cry and cry and cry.
As for DH. He'll be coming home knowing he's fucked things up for me today. He'll know he Solent the morning in Costa drinking lattes while my plans were - again - fucked up, following our special brand of sods law. I don't know what to say to him and I actually don't want to talk to him at all. I just want to cry.
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Mental health
I can't control my crashing crushing low mood ....
6 replies
lean17 · 14/01/2017 11:47
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