Dysania

[carmen15]

Didn't realise my problem had a name but when I was googling the symptoms, it's actually a condition: dysania :inability to get out of bed in the morning. Sounds trivial and an excuse for laziness but when I wake at a decent hour with no pressing reason to get out of bed, I have a strong feeling of dread that is only calmed by turning over and going back to sleep. Sometimes I don't surface till mid afternoon.

I've been retired two years now, DH retired as well and DC grown up and left home. For the first time in my life I have no responsibilities and my time is mine to decide what to do with it. So why am I spending most of it in bed?

I was very unhappy as a child for various reasons and can remember my bed as my sanctuary. The only place I could have a bit of respite. I can remember trying to stay awake as long as I could so the next day would not come. In my adult life, although work and family responsibilities meant I could not stay in bed all day, I would still take ages to fall asleep to enjoy that feeling of putting off the stresses of the next day.

Probably obvious that I've been treated for depression on and off for most of my life. Ive been taking 20 mg of citalopram for the last 15 years which has been a lifesaver as the feelings of hopelessness, dread and worthlessness have gone. I'd describe my general mood as apathetic contentment which has been enough to keep me operating well at work and bringing up my children.

I'm generally better in the summer but there are still days even then I can sleep well into the afternoon.

If I make arrangements to see people or for dentist, hair appts etc, I always make them early so I need to get up at a decent hour and I never lost a day's work through not being able to get up. I'm a bit of an introvert though so filling my day with social things would make me even more stressed.

My resolution this year was to get up each day no later than 8.30, shower and go for a brisk walk till 9.30. Today I just ignored it, turned over and went back to sleep, dozing on and off till 3.30. Couldn't even use the weather as an excuse as it's been a gorgeous day here.

What the hell is wrong with me. I dreamed all my life of the freedom I've got and I just spend it in bed.

I'm wary of discussing it with my doctor as he was a bit surprised that I had retired early in my late 50s. I'm sure he'll put it down to having too much time on my hands. My job was very high stress and it's common to retire at that age. I was so looking forward to pottering, gardening, reading, gym, swimming etc which I do do but I have found it impossible to keep to any sort of routine.

My DH and I had great plans to travel which we have done a bit but over the last few months I've lost interest in that. He has always been very sympathetic to my mental health issues but even his patience and understanding is being tested.

Not even sure why I'm posting. I remember many years ago waking up one morning feeling eager to get out of bed and I remember thinking this is what it feels like to be normal. It never happened again.

All my life I've been struggling to appear normal. I was so looking forward to freeing myself from that pressure. Am I just not capable of being excited about life?